


Losing Control

by Noteventhat (Facialteeth)



Series: The Control Verse [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Abusive Themes, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Dark, Body Horror, Broken Bones mention not Graphically, Collars, Drugged Chatacter, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enslaved Magnus Bane, Enslaved Warlocks, First Meetings, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Minor Character Death, Morally Ambiguous Alec Lightwood, POV Multiple, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Sexual Noncon Content of a Minor Background Character, Slavery, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Stabbing, Starvation and Dehydration mentioned, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Mentioned in Concept, The Clave is Horrible, Violent Thoughts, throwing up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:40:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 52,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25339258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Facialteeth/pseuds/Noteventhat
Summary: The Clave had hunted and enslaved downworlders for so long and if your soulmate was a shadowhunter, things were even worse for you. Magnus had always hoped he'd never get to experience that first hand. Unfortunately for him, soulmates just tend to meet each other.
Relationships: Background Jace Herondale/Merlion, Helen Blackthorn/Aline Penhallow Background, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood, Simon Lewis/Isabelle Lightwood/Raphael Santiago
Series: The Control Verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963618
Comments: 313
Kudos: 320





	1. Chapter 1

They found Magnus by accident. It was funny how it happened, funny in a twisted sort of not funny way. Magnus was so careful. He more than most understood why they had to be careful and how to do so. He knew how to avoid the Shadowhunters and he knew their normal patrol routes. He knew every dark space he could duck into, if he needed. He knew every safe house and mostly, he used his knowledge to help other people. 

He smuggled warlock children out of New York, to where they’d be safe. Or, safer. There wasn’t really a _safe_ anymore. Just safer places they’d made, places that could crumble so easily if just one shadowhunter was tipped off to their existence. 

Magnus helped vampires find cover when morning came. He helped them find places that Shadowhunters were unlikely to raid during the day light, looking for those that couldn’t run. He helped the stray faerie or two, though they had mostly learned to stay in their own realm for it was not safe here anymore. He helped the werewolves when he could. 

He helped them all really. Alone, Magnus could escape anything quick. He was smart. He knew enough to get away any way he could. He always thought if he got caught, it would be because he was trying to help someone else who couldn’t get away as fast. That was the only thing that made sense. If anything was going to take Magnus down, it was going to be his own compassion. Ragnor had told him just as much but that wasn’t what ended up happening. 

That wasn’t how he was caught. The night it happened Magnus was alone. That was what made it worse. If he had been caught helping someone he could at least accept he’d been caught for a worthy cause but being caught completely alone? It was just sloppy. It was stupid. Magnus was old enough to know better and he really had no excuse. 

He’d just been tired. He’d been up for days now. He’d been so exhausted and when he found the warehouse, he knew it wouldn’t be the best idea. Shadowhunters loved to raid places like this. Vampires would hide here. Werewolves, warlocks, they’d all duck in here if they had to. 

Magnus really should have known better but he’d just been so tired and he knew no one had been in that building in days. What are the odds they’d decide to check tonight, he had thought. Slim enough that he’d decided to just go in. Slim enough that he’d hid away in a corner and pressed himself into the wall before falling asleep. 

Of course, that was the night they came. Maybe, they had a sensor. Maybe, they knew Magnus was there the moment he stepped inside. Magnus wasn’t sure. It didn’t really matter anyway. They came regardless and Magnus had been so tired, he hadn’t even woken up until they’d already been in the building, until he’d practically been caught already. 

They saw him when he jumped to his feet and they were on him before he could try to run, throw himself out the window, _something_. He had the fleeting thought to make a portal but they’d found a way to track those. They’d know where he’d gone but still, maybe that would buy him enough time to get away. 

In the end, he could do nothing. One of them pinned him down on his stomach. Knees and elbows dug into Magnus’ skin painfully. There was another shadowhunter behind him laughing as Magnus tired to get away, laughing as he groaned in pain. It was a piercing laughter that made Magnus’ stomach turn. 

His arms were pulled behind him. His face was shoved down into the concrete floor. His magic flared out, burning at the wrists of whoever was holding him. Magnus had been hoping it would make them let him go but it didn’t. 

The shadowhunter on his back just cursed and tightened his grip, snapping for the other one to come help. There were cuffs on his wrists before Magnus could do anything else, before he could even think to do anything else. One of them slammed Magnus’ head against the ground, either because of his thrashing or just because.

His magic fizzled out in his hands and then refused to bubble to the surface, even though he could feel it coiling under his skin, trying desperately to lash out at the people holding him. It was the cuffs they’d put on him. Magnus had seen them in use before. It was the same runed magic that kept warlocks from entering their sacred ground, unless they were owned of course. Permanently collared or with their runed cuffs, they could enter but not if they were free. 

It was clever. It meant that the free warlocks, the ones that could actually do something to save their own people were powerless to do so and the warlocks that they kept enslaved were stuck there. 

Some had escaped before but that was the whole reason they switched to the collars in the first place. The downworld knew how to get the cuffs off if someone escaped but they couldn’t get the collars off no matter how hard they tried. The collars were made of pure adamas. They couldn’t be removed once they were put on. Magnus wasn’t even sure if the Shadowhunters knew how to remove them, not that they’d ever want to. 

Even if you ran, they could track you with your collar. Most who ran ended up killing themselves the second they could. Magnus didn’t blame them. Had he known that he was going to be captured today, he’d have done the same the night before. Death was better than being taken by them. Death was better than being collared, being forced to serve the nephilim and all the glory. Death was better than having to please them, then being completely at their mercy. 

Magnus knew the horrible things they did to his kind who were captured. The ones who were simply used had it best. The ones who cleaned and cooked and were ignored. It was the other ones that tried to kill themselves most often. The ones who didn’t have a task other than being a toy for the Shadowhunters to fuck with when they were bored. Some had weapons used on them. Some were beaten in training. Some were strung up in the entrance halls of their buildings, kept in awful positions, being prodded and jabbed by every shadowhunter that walked by. Some were fucked. Some were used in worse ways than that. 

Magnus could have hoped he’d be put to work, if things had been different but Magnus knew he would not be. He would not be allowed to hide in the kitchen. Magnus’ fate would be far worse when they noticed and Magnus was sure they would. 

He was dragged bleeding to the Institute. They hauled him inside, his knees being scrapped up on the harsh steps they didn’t allow him to walk up. He was thrown to the ground in a dark room with the doors locked behind them. Only a stele could open them and Magnus didn’t have one. He couldn’t use one even if he tried, even if he could get his hands uncuffed. 

They ripped his clothes off. They searched him with their fingers digging into his skin, leaving bruises in their wake. Magnus spit at them when they were done, so one grabbed his face and carved a silence rune on his cheek, grasping his jaw hard enough that Magnus was sure there would be another bruise there. 

In a moment, Magnus’ jaw was sealed shut. He couldn’t even wiggle his teeth open until they decided to take that rune off, if they ever did. Magnus had heard of warlocks dying because they’d been silenced and no one had realized how long it had been until they died of dehydration and starvation. Warlocks suffered through things like that slowly. It would take weeks for a warlock to die like that. 

Magnus couldn’t imagine this rune being on him for weeks but if it was, if they forgot to take it off, Magnus couldn’t see himself trying to draw attention to it. He wasn’t sure if they’d care anyway but even if they did, Magnus would rather keep his silence and die than alert them and have it taken off at the last second. Magnus wondered if the warlocks who’d died of it before him had thought the same thing or if they’d wanted to live, if they’d pointed at it and clawed at their mouth, wishing it would open so they could take even a single sip of water. 

That was another thing the Shadowhunters had been smart about. They realized when they were blocking the warlock’s magic that their skin was susceptible to runes. They hurt. They burned in their place in a way that Magnus was sure didn’t happen when Shadowhunters had them but they worked and they didn’t kill them. Even if Magnus had managed to get the cuffs off his wrists, he’d die instantly when his magic met the active rune on his cheek.

One of them brought out the collar. Magnus had seen them before but never this close. He had never seen one off someone either. He’d only seen them sealed. He’d only seen the runes of ownership and control lit and active. 

It looked smaller when it wasn’t around a neck. It looked more fragile. It almost looked fake, like Magnus could just pull it off when they were done with their game. 

One of them pulled Magnus’ head up by his hair and held him there while the other shoved the cold metal around his neck. It was closed and sealed with the flash of a rune before Magnus could even register what was happening, as if it would have made a difference.

They dropped him after they did it and Magnus fell forward, nearly toppling over without the use of his bound hands. If Magnus had been thinking more clearly, he would have known not to bend over like that. He was naked but they hadn’t noticed yet. They would eventually but maybe, maybe Magnus could hide it- 

“Oh, look-“ One of them said. He reached forward and Magnus felt his hand skimming Magnus’ back. 

Magnus jerked away, his eyes widening as he realized too late what they’d seen. Someone grabbed his shoulder and held it firm in their grip, so Magnus couldn’t move. “Fuck,” One spit, sounding disappointed. “This one belongs to Alec.” 

They held him firm for a moment before they let go. Magnus was shoved and this time he did fall. He fell onto his side, his arm pinned painfully against his side. He stayed still, his eyes locked onto the shadowhunters who’d caught him. They weren’t looking at him now. They were looking at each other. 

Magnus knew what they’d seen. It was his soulmark. It was the name of his soulmate. Even with all their angelic grace, sometimes they still had downworlder soulmates. It had been shameful for a while but that didn’t exactly work in the Clave's favor. Soulmates were a powerful thing and the shame just led to shadowhunters hiding their marks if they knew theirs was a downworlder. It made them more susceptible to being swayed to help their soulmate get away, if they did finally meet.

They’d shifted tracks a few centuries ago. It wasn’t shameful for your soulmate to be a downworlder anymore. Instead, the shadowhunters were taught it was something special. They were taught that they were so special they’d been given a downworlder to serve them. A downworlder for them to do whatever they wanted with. Wasn’t that just wonderful? 

They had a list of every shadowhunter with the name of a known downworlder. A list of those who’s soulmates _might_ be a downworlder. They targeted them and made sure they beat every last ounce of sympathy from them. They made sure to teach them how to put their downworlder in their place, when they were finally found. They were taught how to punish them. How to control them and restrain them. What it might be fun to do to them, if they were bored.

The last thing the Clave needed was a bunch of shadowhunters respecting their soulmates, thinking of them as people when they were so clearly below them. It worked pretty well, or so Magnus had heard. He had never known personally and he’d hoped to never find out but he would soon he supposed. 

“We never get to play with them,” One said bitterly, turning towards the door they’d entered from. 

Magnus knew there were many like him in this building for them to play with but he also knew that they were probably broken already. What they really meant was that they never got to play with them before everyone else had a chance to ruin them. 

Magnus felt a soft relief at the fact that they seemed to be leaving him alone but it was short lived. Momentary relief was all it was. He’d be brought to his soulmate soon and Magnus knew that wasn’t a good thing. Magnus had imagined once it might be good to have a soulmate if he got caught. To be bound to one person only and have relative protection from the rest of the shadowhunters. 

Now, Magnus knew that shadowhunters treated their soulmates more cruelty than even the unbound warlocks who were left out to play with. They had something to prove. They had to show off that they did not care for their soulmate, or it would be suspicious. They had to show off the power they had. 

Still, Magnus was thankful when they left the room and slammed it behind them, leaving him alone in the dark for a few moments. He had a moment to breathe and try to calm down. He had a moment to consider everything that had happened.

Magnus wondered what Catarina would do, when he never contacted her again. He wondered if she’d hear he’d been caught. He wondered when she’d hear. He wondered how she’d feel. 

Magnus had been terrified for years that he’d find out Catarina had been taken. She was always rushing into danger to heal people. Magnus had always been so worried for her but now, it was him instead. At least, Ragnor had been caught a while ago. Magnus had heard he’d died shortly after. He wasn’t sure how. He wasn’t sure if he’d been beaten to death or if maybe, he’d managed to kill himself. 

Either way, he was thankful Ragnor had gotten away from them. It had haunted him to think of Ragnor with a collar around his neck. At least his soulmate wasn’t a shadowhunter but still, Magnus was almost thankful to hear he’d died. 

Now, he was the one here. He wondered what Ragnor had thought when they’d done this to him, when they’d forced a collar around his neck. He wondered if Ragnor had spit at them like Magnus had.

Magnus must have sat there for nearly an hour by himself when the door finally opened again. Magnus could see shadowhunters peering in the room, eager to see the new warlock even if he was already owned. In front of them all stood a shadowhunter that Magnus recognized instantly.

He had never seen him before. They’d never met but Magnus knew that he was looking at his soulmate. He was tall. He was handsome but Magnus knew he was supposed to feel that way. Everyone thought their soulmate was attractive, except maybe the shadowhunters who’d been taught not to think of their downworlder soulmates as anything but dirt.

Magnus’ soulmate walked into the room. He stood there and stared at Magnus with a blank expression for a long moment before he turned and closed the door behind him. Magnus wasn’t sure what he expected next. He wasn’t sure if his soulmate would want to exert his dominance right away. Maybe, he’d wait until they were alone in his room. Maybe, he wouldn’t. 

Magnus’ soulmate turned back to him again and took a few steps forward before stopping. He frowned but Magnus wasn’t sure why that was. Maybe, he wasn’t pleased with Magnus. Maybe, he’d been hoping his soulmate would be better.

He knelt to the ground and pulled a stele out of his back pocket. Magnus wanted to flinch at the sight of it but he didn’t. He didn’t want his soulmate to have the satisfaction of seeing his reaction. 

His soulmate reached forward and when his hands met Magnus’ face, they were far more gentle than Magnus expected them to be. He held the side of Magnus’ face in his warm hand as his stele swiped across the rune on Magnus’ cheek, deactivating it. 

Instantly, Magnus felt his teeth fall apart the smallest bit. Magnus stretched his jaw a little, his eyes caught on his soulmate’s face the whole time. He was staring cautiously. He didn’t understand. He didn’t know what to expect now or how to prepare. 

His soulmate let go of him. He sat back on his knees and looked Magnus over once, his eyes catching on the bruises blossoming all over Magnus’ skin, before he tried to smile. It was a sad, almost mournful expression. “I hoped they’d never tell me they found you,” He murmured. 

Before Magnus could react, Alec was standing and moving to walk around him. “Let me see your wrists.” He murmured from behind, already reaching to unclasp the metal holding Magnus’ hands behind him. 

Magnus’ hands fell free and then his soulmate was reach to help him stand. “I’ll get you something to wear in my room.” Alec said softly, as he led Magnus towards the door. He looked back at him and frowned sympathetically, “It would seem odd if I brought you something now.” He said before pulling the door open, leaving Magnus to follow behind him naked and dirty into the room full of shadowhunters. 

Magnus would have tried to run. He would have tried to fight or get away from Alec but being here in this room seemed far more dangerous than following Alec to wherever they were going. Magnus could hear them all murmuring around him, talking about how lucky Alec was to have a warlock to himself, especially one as powerful as Magnus. 

He could hear them talking about how Alec had already tamed him, talking about how easily Magnus followed him. It made Magnus want to lash out at them. It made him want to do anything to show them that he wasn’t _tamed_ but that would be stupid. 

Maybe later, he could rebel and hope they beat him to death but for now, he followed behind his soulmate with his head down and his eyes burning in anger. If he had his magic, he could kill them all so easily but he didn’t have his magic and most likely, he’d never be able to use it again. 

There were some warlocks that were allowed to use theirs. The nephilim still needed things done for them that only magic could do but Magnus would never be one of those warlocks. He was too powerful to ever be allowed to use his magic again and besides, he had a soulmate. He was nothing but a toy now. 

Magnus thought about Alec’s gentle touch and his soft words and he wondered if Alec would be different. If he’d be nice. If somehow, something kind had survived here and then, he pushed that thought away. It would be stupid to get his hopes up. 

The most he could hope for now was death and if they would not grant him that, then he hoped maybe his soulmate would be busy a lot. Maybe, he wouldn't have much time to spend doing whatever it was he was going to do with him. 

That was a more realistic goal to hope for. 

Magnus kept his eyes down the whole walk to Alec’s room, half because he didn’t want to see all the shadowhunters looking at him and half because he didn’t want to recognize anyone he used to know here. At least, Ragnor was dead. He would not have to see him like this. Ragnor would not have to see Magnus like this. 

That made Magnus feel a little better but not much.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus faces the cruel reality of living at the Institute and later, he learns something curious about his soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There is a sentence that mentions a noncon encounter happening to a background character. Please don't read if that is something that will upset you. Obviously, there are also recurring themes of abuse through out this whole fic.

Magnus sat on Alec’s bed limply, staring at the floor where Alec had told him to sit. 

Alec had moved to the dresser the moment they’d walked into the room, apparently following through on his promise to get Magnus something to wear. It was interesting that he was doing that. There wasn’t a reason for Magnus to have clothes on, not in Alec’s room, especially if Alec was planning on using him the way shadowhunters sometimes did. There was no reason to do it besides Magnus’ comfort and to a shadowhunter, that should have been no reason at all. 

Magnus didn’t know what it meant that Alec was doing it anyway. He wanted to look into that but he knew it wasn’t a good idea. It didn’t matter why Alec was doing it but still, it was curious and even in Magnus’ cautious mind, he couldn’t completely write that off. 

Alec turned to him with a plain black t-shirt and pair of gray sweatpants clasped in his hands. “Is this okay?” He asked, sounding as if he honestly cared about Magnus’ answer. 

Slowly, Magnus nodded. It was nothing he would have worn before the Clave had turned on them but on the run, he’d worn anything that protected him mildly and didn’t have too many rips. He had magic to clean himself but even then, sleeping wherever he could, always moments away from trouble, he got dirty. A pair of clean clothes seemed like a blessing in comparison but he’d have taken his ripped jacket and his freedom over this any day. 

Magnus wondered what they did with his clothes. He wondered if they were burned. 

Alec's eyes skimmed him as he handed the new clothes over. “Would you like a shower?”

Magnus could imagine how horrible he looked. He was exhausted. He was dirty and covered in blood and bruises. Magnus nodded again. He didn’t exactly _want_ a shower. He didn’t know what he wanted. He felt numb. He felt like he’d wake up tomorrow and be outside, without a collar around his neck, without knowing who his soulmate was but that wouldn’t happen. 

He was here and he would not be leaving anytime soon. Still, a shower sounded okay. It had been a while since Magnus had a warm shower. He half expected Alec to follow him in there. He half expected it to be some kind of scheme but if Alec was going to do anything, he would probably wait until Magnus was clean. 

Magnus walked into the bathroom that Alec pointed to. He almost left the door open but then his eyes caught Alec outside and in a moment of rebellion, he reached out and closed the door hard. He stilled on the other side, waiting for some response that never came. 

Magnus had imagined being captured before. Werewolves and vampires were only really kept if they were bonded to a shadowhunter. Otherwise, it was standard for shadowhunters to just kill them. Warlocks on the other hand, they were kept always. Even if Alec hadn't been Magnus' soulmate, he'd still have ended up with a collar around his neck and he'd still have ended up in one of these buildings. 

Warlocks were rare. They were powerful. They were useful and more than that, they sent a message to the entire downworld. Warlocks had always been the leaders of the downworld. Warlocks had always organized them and if the Clave had them all, well that certainly sent a clear message to everyone else. 

If they had the warlocks, they were unstoppable. The downworld couldn’t fight back at all without them and by how many Magnus knew that had been captured or killed, he didn’t imagine there were many free warlocks left. 

With him gone, Catarina was the only one Magnus knew. Magnus had run into a young bat eared warlock once but that had been a while ago and statistically, he probably wasn’t free anymore. He’d helped get a baby warlock to a werewolf who was going to try to protect him but what were the odds of a child surviving out there? 

Magnus took a shower. He cleaned himself and when he was done, he sank to the ground under the stream of water and just sat there. He wondered how long it would take for his soulmate, his _owner_ to get sick of waiting and come get him.

Magnus had only sat there for a few minutes when he finally raised his hands and touched the collar around his neck. He touched it tentatively at first, like it wouldn’t be real if he just dusted his fingers across it. He felt for any gaps in the metal. There were none. He hadn’t expected any but he had to check. 

Then, he tried to push his finger under it to see if there was any wiggle room. There wasn’t. He couldn’t even begin to fit a finger under it. There was no room at all but he kept pushing against his skin regardless, bruising himself this time. 

The collar only let him do it for so long before a sharp breathtaking jolt of pain went down Magnus’ spine. Magnus gasped instantly and went rigid as it coursed through him. It felt like it was burning in him, lighting every nerve down his spine in pain that hurt more than anything Magnus had ever felt before. 

As quick as it started, it was gone. Magnus didn’t try to pull on the collar again. 

He had no clue how long he sat there before he finally made his way to his feet and walked out into the bedroom. It was empty. There was a simple note written and placed on the bed. All it said was, _‘Feel free to get comfortable. I’ll be back in the evening with something to eat.’_

The door was locked, unsurprisingly and there wasn’t a single weapon in the room. There wasn’t even a pen Magnus could use. There were sheets sure but no ceiling fan and not even a bar in the closet. 

Magnus wondered how many times it would take of him pulling on his collar for that shock to kill him and then he wondered if he could even manage to do it once more. 

Alec came into the bedroom hours later. Magnus was sitting on the edge of the bed when he walked in. He’d been allowed to sit on the bed before but he tipped his jaw now, readying himself to get yelled at for it. 

In all his imaginary thoughts of being captured, he pictured himself rebelling right from the start. He imagined fighting them on everything, forcing them to kill him rather than deal with him. Instead, he’d manage to spit at them once and then he’d walked nicely to his owner’s room where he sat and waited to be given clothes he was allowed to wear. 

The least he could do was sit on the bed and not flinch away when he was caught. 

Alec said nothing anyway. Magnus wasn’t sure if he was disappointed by it or not. He came forward and Magnus realized he was carrying a plate of food. It was a sandwich that didn’t look too appetizing but Magnus took it anyway. It was more than he’d expected to be given here at all.

A reflective ‘thank you’ threatened to come out of Magnus’ lips but he swallowed it down. He wasn’t thankful for any of this. He wasn't thankful for being given the basic necessities he needed to survive in a building where he was being held captive. He half expected Alec to hit him for his ungrateful silence or take the food away all together but he just kept walking.

He walked around for a few minutes, putting things down and grabbing some clothes. He gazed across his desk for a second like he was looking for something before he disappeared into the bathroom. When he came back, he was in an outfit very similar to Magnus’. 

Magnus tensed for whatever would happen now but Alec did nothing but walk around the bed before settling on the other side. He was going to sleep, Magnus realized a couple of seconds too late. “Turn your light off, when you’re done.” Alec said as he reached out and turned his own light off, leaving half the room in darkness.

Magnus took a few bites of the sandwich before he put it down on the table and flicked his light off too. He laid down slowly, his head on the pillow, his body resting above the covers. The ordinality of the situation struck Magnus with a pang of hurt. Laying in bed with his soulmate next to him, turning off his bedside light. It almost felt like a normal situation he could be in and not what it was. 

Magnus raised his hand and brought it to the collar around his neck. He didn’t pull this time but he touched it softly, reminding himself. He felt the pain in his cheek, where the inactive silence rune was burning away. He felt the bruises across his body. He felt his magic that he could not use. 

It should have been a comfort to feel normal for a moment but it wasn’t. Magnus could not let any of this become normal to him, not even for a moment. He hadn’t imagined that would be a problem for him. 

When Magnus woke up in the morning, Alec was already awake. He must have been more tired than he thought to have slept through the movement of someone else. He’d been trained for months to wake up at any sound except, he hadn’t before either. 

That’s how he’d been caught. He was just so tired. Even now, one night of sleep in a real bed could not chase away the months that he’d stayed up, trying to keep people safe, trying to keep himself safe.

“I need you to change.” Alec said in lieu of a good morning, when he noticed Magnus was awake. He nodded his head to the pile of clothes on the bed and when Magnus looked down, it was like everything clicked into place. 

He could see the decorative chains, the brownish cloth that would barely cover his skin. That’s what he’d been expecting the night before when Alec had offered to get him clothes. Instantly, Magnus was struck with anger and disappointment. It was a stupid way to feel. He _knew_ this is what his life would be now. He knew what to expect and yet, he’d hoped that maybe Alec would be different. 

“What if I don’t want to wear it?” Magnus asked evenly, after he had sat up and eyed the clothes for a moment. 

Alec’s expression was blank. “You have to. We’re going to breakfast.” Alec turned away and Magnus saw him checking his shirt in the mirror. It seemed like he just wanted any excuse to look away from him because his shirt was perfectly straight. “I have to bring you. It’s expected.” Alec continued when Magnus didn’t move.

He looked over at him again, his mouth turned down in a soft frown. “I’d rather not make you wear it.” He whispered finally. Magnus watched him closely for a few long moments. It looked like he meant it. He didn’t seem to be happy making Magnus do much of anything. “You can go naked if you'd rather." 

Slowly, Magnus rose from the bed. He looked the clothes for a moment before he started to undress. Alec’s eyes widened a fraction of an inch, like he’d expected Magnus to go into the bathroom first but then, he turned and pretended to be doing something on his phone. 

It made Magnus’ mouth flicker. It was meaningless but catching Alec off guard was something. It was something he'd done with what little control he had here. Magnus’ eyes moved to the clothes once he was naked and then he looked back up to Alec. “I’m done,” He murmured. 

Going naked sounded far better than decorating himself to look nice for his owner. 

Alec nodded once and shoved his phone into his pocket. He moved towards the door and then paused and looked back to Magnus, hesitating for a moment before he spoke, “If you disobey me in front of them, I’m going to have to do something about it.” 

It almost sounded like a warning. He eyed Magnus for a long moment before he turned and walked out the door. They moved down the hallway, around the corner and into a big full room that must have been the cafeteria.

The day before, Magnus had walked with his head down, his eyes burning. Today, he walked in with his head up. Nearly everyone turned to look at them as they walked in and Magnus had the urge to hide himself. He wasn’t ashamed of being naked but being naked here, against his will, was a completely different thing. Still, it was better than being dressed up like a pet for them all to see.

Alec nodded his head towards the food counter, where there were warlocks on the other side, pushing food out and murmuring to each other when no one was looking. “Go get my food,” Alec commanded. His tone left no room for argument. 

Magnus moved to go get it.

Magnus knelt on the hard floor by Alec’s feet, his knees digging painfully into the tile. It was almost like they’d picked a stone floor just for this purpose. They probably had. 

They’d all talked about Magnus for a while when he’d first come back with Alec’s food. Someone had eyed the bruises on Magnus’ skin and complimented Alec on ‘starting Magnus off right’ and not being too soft on him. Alec hadn’t explained that someone else had given Magnus those. He’d just nodded and accepted the praise. Another shadowhunter had lamented on how _unfair_ it was that their soulmate was a shadowhunter, a long dead one at that. 

Eventually, they moved on to ignoring Magnus completely and Magnus was thankful for it. He could sit here. He could sit here, be quiet and pretend not to hear the sound of someone scolding a downworlder for not coming quick enough when they’d called. 

He could pretend not to hear the sound of a hit ringing throughout the room and the laughter that followed it. He could pretend not to hear someone crying softly and then getting scolded for it. He could pretend not to hear the subtle sound of someone getting sucked off under the table next to them. He could pretend not to see the shadowhunter’s grip on the werewolf's hair, hard and unrelenting. 

Magnus blinked, startled out of his thoughts as Alec pushed a chunk of bread into his hands. Magnus took it and frowned. It wasn’t very appetizing but he was hungry. He’d hardly eaten the sandwich the night before and who knows the last time he’d had something real to eat before that. 

Magnus moved to rip a little chunk of it off but before he could, his jaw was caught in a tight grip. He found himself looking up into Alec’s eyes, his jaw held tight enough in Alec’s hand that perhaps, Magnus _would_ have bruises from Alec. “What do you say?” He snapped, his words cracking through the air. Everyone who was sitting around them fell silent and turned to look. 

Magnus knew what Alec was expecting of him. He knew what he was supposed to say now. ‘Thank you, Sir.’ He could probably switch ‘Sir’ up with ‘Master’ if he really wanted but the sentiment was the same. 

Magnus tightened his jaw. He could say it and he’d probably be left alone for the rest of breakfast. He’d be allowed to eat and he’d be ignored. He should just say it, he knew. He just had to force himself to say it.

“Fuck you,” Magnus snapped. 

For a moment, Alec didn’t move. Something flashed across his face but it was gone before Magnus could even try and decipher it. Magnus’ head cracked to the side. Pain blossomed all throughout his face and it took a second for Magnus to even realize what had happened, that Alec had slapped him. 

The bread disappeared from Magnus’ hands. “You can eat tomorrow, if you learn your manners.” Alec said above him. 

Slowly, everyone began speaking again. It was clear they weren’t surprised with the way Alec had acted. That hadn’t been why they’d fallen silent. They’d fallen silent because they wanted to watch. It was _interesting_ to them.

“You should be easier on him,” Magnus heard someone whisper fiercely. It was a dark haired girl who was sitting next to Alec. “He only got here _yesterday_.” She said, as if Alec might not know.

“Not now, Izzy.” Alec whispered back. 

The girl let it go but she didn’t look too happy. 

They walked back to Alec’s room in silence. Magnus followed behind him, his hands tightened into fists at his sides. He knew he should have expected what Alec did but Alec had tricked him at first. He’d thought maybe, Alec would be kind. Maybe, he wouldn’t be as awful as they all were. Maybe, Magnus could just play the role and kneel next to Alec and Alec would leave him alone but it was clearly that wasn’t the case. 

Alec led Magnus into his room and then he disappeared back out of it, leaving Magnus alone without a word. Magnus paced back and forth, feeling the pain in his bruised cheek as his teeth clenched in his mouth. 

He was Magnus Bane. He’d been the High Warlock once. He was the son of Asmodeus and he’d been slapped by his owner for not thanking him for the chunk of food he’d been spared.

The door opened. Alec walked inside and Magnus froze where he’d been midstep, meeting Alec’s eyes with an expression that he half expected to get him slapped again. “Eat,” Alec said instead, dropping a plate of what looked like salad and fruit onto the foot of the bed. He turned to walk out of the room again but Magnus spoke before he could.

The anger left him in a moment, leaving him only shocked and confused. “I thought I couldn’t eat until tomorrow?” He asked, his tone half bitter, half uncomprehending.

Alec froze in the doorway. He looked back at him and this time, _he_ looked angry. “I told you,” He snapped. “I said if you disobeyed me in front of them, I’d have to do something about it.” Alec stared at him like he was angry with Magnus, like he was angry he’d forced Alec to hit him.

For a moment, Magnus felt bad and then he chastised himself in his head for feeling that way. Everyone had a choice. Alec had made his own.

After a moment, Alec shook his head. “I shouldn't have handed it to you. I should have just waited but after I handed it to you, I had to make you say it. Someone saw me.” Alec moved to close the door. “Just eat,” He said before he closed it all the way and disappeared.

Magnus knew without checking that the door was locked and that he’d probably be alone for the rest of the day.

It was a few hours later when a flame caught Magnus’ attention. He spun instantly, thinking something had caught on fire but what he saw instead was even weirder. It wasn’t a fire. It was a fire message. It was a note, burning in the air by Alec’s desk, sent from a warlock. 

Magnus was on his feet in a second. He walked over to it half expecting to find he’d been wrong and that wasn’t what it was at all but when he got closer he saw that was exactly what it was. The flame burned away and then the piece of paper fluttered to Alec’s desk and landed there, like it had always been there. 

Magnus stared down at it for a few moments. He thought it might be a trick. He thought the moment he picked it up, someone would come rushing into the room to punish him for touching something on his owner’s desk. 

Magnus reached out to it and flipped it over. For a second, the handwriting hit Magnus. It reminded him of someone. It reminded him too much of someone but Magnus brushed that aside. It couldn’t be. 

The note read, ‘ _I can take the child tomorrow at midnight. If you’re late, I’ll assume it’s off._ ’ It was signed simply, _‘Shade_.’ 

Slowly, Magnus put the note back down. He searched his memory but he couldn’t think of a single warlock he’d ever heard of named Shade and Magnus knew a lot of warlocks. Even more mysterious was the fact that this note had been sent to _Alec_. What the hell was his soulmate doing making deals with a warlock? A free warlock at the sounds of it? 

Hours later, when Alec noticed the note, he read it and then he looked over to Magnus and stared at him, like he was trying to decide if Magnus had seen it or not. Magnus pretended not to notice and after a few moments, Alec shoved the note deep into his pocket. 

Magnus wanted to ask but he had the feeling Alec wouldn’t tell him the truth even if he did. He stayed silent but he watched Alec carefully after that. He was up to something and somehow, Magnus read his behavior throughout the day a little differently. He was trying to hide something. He was trying to keep everyone's eyes away. Magnus just had no clue what it was he was hiding. He couldn't even begin to guess but he did know that he was going to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some new people arrive at the Institute, Magnus hears a story about an old friend and Alec does something unexpected.

Magnus woke up the next morning when Alec disappeared out the door. He assumed Alec had left him behind when he went to breakfast but Magnus couldn’t be upset about that. Even if he didn’t get to eat, he’d rather be here than kneeling in that room by Alec's feet.

He was surprised when Alec appeared in the doorway only a few minutes later, balancing a platter that was overflowing with two mugs and two plates that were just a little too big to fit with ease. He placed the platter on the bed carefully, looking relieved he hadn’t dropped it on his way. 

“I didn’t know if you liked coffee.” Alec said in greeting as he grabbed his own mug and plate before moving towards his desk.

Magnus sat up, the sheet he’d actually let himself crawl under the night before pooling around his waist. “I do,” He said as he reached for it, not knowing if Alec had actually expected an answer from him.

Magnus pulled the platter a little closer and took a deep sip out of the mug, letting a soft moan slip from his lips. The coffee was so hot that it burned his mouth but he didn’t mind. It had been so long since he’d had real coffee. So, so long. 

He felt guilty for enjoying it, the same way he had about enjoying the bed, enjoying the shower, the sheets but he tried to let himself enjoy the coffee. Even this place would not ruin how much he enjoyed coffee. 

At his desk, Alec looked over, his expression flickering in amusement. He looked like he wanted to comment but he didn’t. He just watched for a second, his eyes trailed across Magnus’ face and then his bare chest before looking away, flushing a little. 

When Magnus had swallowed half of the mug and thoroughly burned the inside of his throat, he finally looked down to the plate Alec had brought. It was a pretty average breakfast with eggs, toast and even a few sausages but it was enough to have Magnus’ mouth watering. He couldn’t remember the last time he had _sausage_ or even a real breakfast like this. 

Magnus had just enough time to devour the food before someone was knocking on the door. Instantly, Magnus saw Alec’s eyes flicker to his phone, checking the time. It almost seemed like he had been waiting for someone but when he got up and opened the door, it didn’t seem to be who he’d expected. 

The same dark haired girl who’d gotten mad at Alec for slapping Magnus was on the other side. She peered into the room instantly, her eyes taking in Magnus on the bed and their empty tray of food with a pleased smirk. Finally, she looked back to Alec, who looked irritated already. 

“Aline is here.” She announced as she leaned against the doorway, almost pointedly showing she wasn’t going to leave easily. “It would be nice of you to come be _sociable_.” She emphasized the last word, making it clear to Magnus that being sociable wasn’t something Alec normally did.

“Oh.” Alec looked caught off guard for a second. “I didn’t know she was coming.” He said simply, not sounding pleased or displeased with whoever Aline was. Magnus wasn’t sure if her arrival was good news or not.

The girl, ‘Izzy’ Alec had called her the day before, shrugged. “She said she was sick of California. Apparently, she wanted some of our crappy weather. She also came to talk to Mom and Dad about some new agreement. She didn’t realize they were in Idris.” Izzy peered inside, her eyes falling on Magnus again, her expression shimmering with some kind of excitement Magnus didn’t quite know how to take. “Bring him with you.” She said, still looking at Magnus but clearly not speaking to him.

Instantly, Alec shook his head no. He opened his mouth to protest but Izzy cut him off before he could. “You can’t just leave him in your room all the time.” She said, sounding as if she’d repeated the same thing to Alec before. “Bring him. Maybe, he and Simon can hang out.”

Alec frowned but he nodded at last. “Fine, whatever but I need a minute. We’re not even dressed.” A more accurate statement would be that Magnus wasn’t dressed. Alec himself had put on a rather soft looking sweater today.

Izzy wiggled her eyes at Alec. “I noticed.” She said, turning to leave before Alec could even spit out his rebuttal of, “That doesn’t mean anything, he wasn’t dressed yesterday either.” Izzy didn’t say anything back, if she heard him. 

Sighing, Alec turned around and closed the door again. “Clothes today?” He asked as he walked by Magnus to go into his dresser. 

Magnus nodded, realizing too late that Alec wasn’t looking at him. Alec pulled out the same clothes he’d offered him the day before anyway. He placed them at the foot of the bed, grabbing nothing for himself but moving towards the bathroom anyway.

When he disappeared behind the door, Magnus stood up and finally unfolded the outfit he’d been given. It really was more decorative than anything. It was clearly made to show him off, to mark his status of being nothing but a plaything. The warlocks in the kitchen had clothes on. They were ugly gray plain scrubs but clothes that covered them nonetheless. 

Magnus wasn’t sure which he’d rather wear. Thankfully, he didn’t have a choice. His options were ‘nothing’ or ‘this’. It was close. It really was. Today, he decided to put it on. He’d been angry and a little numb the day before but some of that anger had left him now and bled into humility. Magnus wasn’t quite sure he could walk out there completely naked again. 

The clothes covered even less than Magnus had thought they would but at the very least, the belly chain looked nice around his waist. It hung on his hips and shimmered rather pleasantly when he moved. 

He might have liked it, in a completely different world than this one. In this one, the fact that he didn’t hate it filled his throat with bile. 

Alec came out of the bathroom a moment later, his soft comfortable sweater gone and replaced with a scratchy looking shirt he’d apparently had on under it. He didn’t comment on the fact that Magnus had gotten dressed but he did look a little relieved by the sight. Magnus wasn’t sure if it was because he was happy he’d covered up or if he was scared he was going to have to force Magnus to wear it.

Magnus ignored the latter option. He liked to feel like he chose to wear it himself and not that he’d have been forced to anyway. 

Alec walked towards the door, leaving Magnus to follow behind him.

They didn’t walk to the cafeteria this time. Instead, they headed in the opposite direction. Alec led them towards the entrance of the building, the one Magnus had been dragged into two days before. As they rounded the corner, Magnus saw things he hadn’t been able to notice on his brief nonconsensual trip through the foyer. 

He saw the racks of weapons, there to grab at a second's notice. He saw maps lit on screens, with small flashing dots across New York. Magnus wondered if any of them were downworlders who ran. He wondered if there were teams out right now, tracking them down to slaughter them or bring them back. 

Thankfully, there weren’t many people in the foyer in the early morning. Apparently, it was a slow day for demons and torture because the room was mostly empty except for the people Magnus assumed they had walked out here to meet. 

Izzy was there with a curly hair vampire at her side. ‘Simon,’ Magnus guessed based on what she’d said before. Magnus didn’t recognize him as anyone the Clave would consider worth keeping. He had to be her soulmate for him to be here and that was further confirmed by the fact that Izzy was holding his hand. 

Alec’s excuse of someone seeing him be mildly kind to Magnus sounded particularly like bullshit in that moment because she wasn’t holding him possessively. She was holding his hand sweetly, her thumb rubbing the back of his hand as she spoke to another woman Magnus guessed was ‘Aline’. She certainly seemed a long shot away from backhanding him if he refused to say thank you. He also, Magnus noted with a stab of bitterness, was wearing a t-shirt. 

“Alec,” Aline said pleasantly when she saw them coming. She moved forward instantly to hug Alec, her hand ruffling the back of his hair like he was a much shorter person than he was. 

“Aline,” Alec hugged her in return. When they parted again, Alec was already speaking. “Sorry you came all the way here. If you’d have sent a message, I could have told you my parents were gone.” 

Aline shrugged easily, waving her hand. “It’s not a wasted trip. I needed to get away anyway. I might as well stay for a few days. We can catch up.” She spun and her eyes fell on Magnus for the first time. “Besides, it seems you already have a bit to catch me up on.” She said, her eyes sparking with amusement, much like Izzy’s had when she’d looked into their room that morning. 

Magnus paused in his head, his stomach twisting a little. Alec’s room, he corrected only to himself. It was not his room. It was a room where he stayed with Alec. It was a room he was confined in for most of the day. 

“Yeah,” Alec said, not seeming too inclined to dwell on the topic of Magnus for too long. “You brought someone new as well.” Alec pointed out. 

Magnus looked behind Aline and for the first time, he saw what Alec was talking about. In a moment, the note he read last night flashed through his head. Magnus remembered Alec’s convincing portrayal that morning, hearing of their friends arrival for the first time, being surprised by it. Magnus hadn’t thought twice about it. Why would Alec lie about knowing she was coming? Why would they stand here and have a conversation about Alec’s parents, like it had ever been expected they’d be home? 

There was a warlock with Aline. A tiny, warlock girl who couldn’t have been more than eight. She was standing nervously, with her hands twisting together in front of her. The collar around her neck looked new and the bruise across her cheek did as well. 

Aline told her to say hi and she waved a little. A few moments later, someone else came into the room and they all moved on. Alec didn’t look to the girl twice but he didn’t have to. Magnus knew right then that Alec had planned this. He just couldn’t fathom why. 

The next hour passed without much to mention. Magnus followed Alec like a well trained puppy, exactly like he was expected to. It seemed today was Alec’s day off because he didn’t lock Magnus in his room to rush off and do whatever it was nephilim did during the day. Instead, he, his sister (Magnus learned from listening to Aline that Izzy was Alec’s sister) and their friends all retreated to an old library to sit and talk.

Magnus also learned from listening that they had known Aline since they were kids. Simon was in fact Isabelle’s soulmate. He was also annoying. He sat at Isabelle’s side like he was happy to be there. She toyed with his hair as he knelt by her and he’d chime in every once in a while, talking out of turn like Magnus expected would get him in trouble. 

It wasn’t an exceptionally private location. People came in and out all day, some coming in to sit, some coming to use the library for its intended purpose. Magnus saw a few downworlders come in and out, their heads down, dusting dirt from the shelves Magnus was sure they’d cleaned the day before.

Magnus stayed mostly ignored. He didn’t speak and no one spoke to him. Simon kept eyeing him with interest, looking like he wanted to talk to him but they were kneeling on opposite sides of the table. 

The girl, Madzie, sat cross legged on the ground toying with her hands as she listened to them all talk. She didn’t seem like she had been owned for very long but she was polite and she sat silently by Aline. It was a horrible existence for a child, even as boring and mundane as it seemed in that moment. She should be playing. She should be learning but instead, she was sitting and waiting to be told to do something. 

They’d sat there for over an hour before a man came into the room, snapping that something had been broken down the hall. Someone, a downworlder Magnus was sure, had dropped a tray. 

“So, have them pick it up.” Alec responded instantly, rolling his eyes at the sudden intrusion. He seemed to know who this man was and unless Magnus was reading the situation wrong, he didn’t seem to like him much. 

“I don’t imagine they’ll be much good at it with two broken arms.” The man replied coolly. 

Alec’s expression shifted. Suddenly, he looked blank, a forced air of indifference that it was hard to tell if he actually felt or not. He was a very good actor. That or Magnus was diluting himself with the thought that his soulmate might not be such a horrible person. It was hard to tell. Hope did strange things to one's unconscious. 

“Why didn’t you break their arms _after_ they cleaned it?” Alec snapped, finally looking over to the man in question.

The man flushed instantly. The smug expression that had been on his face a second before disappeared. He’d been proud of what he’d done to the downworlder who’d dropped it but he clearly hadn’t expected Alec’s response. He looked embarrassed and it would have been a nice moment to relish in, if Magnus didn’t know for a fact that he wasn’t exaggerating about what he’d done.

“Go clean it.” Alec snapped after a second passed. For a moment, Magnus thought he was snapping at the man but he realized when no one moved that he hadn’t been. He’d been talking to Magnus, of course. “Don’t break mine’s arms. I’d like him to actually be useful.” Alec said, as Magnus rose to his feet.

Magnus had the fleeting thought of say no but something about the situation made him stay silent. If Alec was involved in something, if he was going to break the rules tonight, it probably wouldn’t be a good night for him to be seen being kind to a warlock, even one that was his own. Magnus frowned to himself. He didn’t like that Alec’s actions were starting to make sense in his head. He didn’t like that he was rationalizing the fact that he’d been hit.

“Go help, Simon.” Isabelle said softly. 

The vampire jumped up, meeting Magnus at the door as he walked out. Behind them, the man followed, apparently too embarrassed by what Alec had said to respond to it. The hair on the back of Magnus’ neck bristled a little. He listened carefully to the man’s steps even though he could not see him.

An embarrassed shadowhunter never seemed to mean good news for people like Magnus. 

They walked down the hallway and when they rounded the corner, Magnus saw the mess instantly. It had been a tray of breakfast food, not unlike the one Alec had brought into the room for them that morning. Only this one had been dropped all across the ground, the pretty decorative plates and cups shattered. 

The downworlder who’d been hurt was gone but among the mess, there was blood. Magnus wasn’t exactly sure how they expected them to clean it all up with only their hands but it was clear no one was offering them anything else. Magnus dropped to his knees carefully, crouching among the mess and reaching for the biggest pieces of glass. 

Beside him, Simon did the same and the man who’d followed them out stood and glared for a moment before he snapped, “Be quick about it.” He walked fast past them, disappearing around another corner. Neither of them had quite intended to be slow about it but if snapping at them was the worst he was going to do with his anger, Magnus would take it.

Simon watched the man go before he stood up again. “I’ll ah, I’ll go get napkins.” He said before he disappeared into a door Magnus hadn’t even quite noticed was there. Clearly, Simon knew where he was going. A moment later, he appeared again, a handful of napkins clasped into his hands along with a dustpan. He offered some to Magnus, which Magnus took before starting to wipe away some of the liquid, starting first with the blood.

Magnus knew Simon was staring at him but he ignored it, hoping maybe they could complete this task in silence. Isabelle had said they could hang out but hanging out as they cleaned up a mess no one should have been hurt over didn’t quite seem like a fun time to Magnus.

“You-” Simon opened his mouth and then faltered. He had started to help wipe the mess up but he stopped now, his hands stilling. “You knew Raphael.” He finished, sounding nervous he’d somehow been wrong.

Magnus looked up. He _had_ known Raphael but it had been a very long time since someone had even spoken his name to Magnus. Magnus didn’t even know what happened to him. Magnus’ eyes narrowed slightly. “How do _you_ know Raphael?” He countered.

Simon put the napkins down. He looked up and then down the hallway nervously before he pulled up the sleeve of his t-shirt, showing Magnus the writing there. It was his soulmark and where Magnus had expected to see Isabelle’s name alone, he also saw ‘Raphael Santiago’. Raphael’s name was dulled in a way that Magnus understood but did not comprehend in that moment.

They only ever dulled like that when your soulmate was dead. Magnus’ own napkins went limp in his hands. “What happened?” He asked finally. Raphael had never shown Magnus his soulmark before. He wasn’t interested in meeting them was all he’d ever said. 

Simon shoved his shirt back down. He reached for his napkins again and pushed them around anxiously, more smearing the liquid than really helping clean it up. He didn’t seem to notice. “He found me, right after I was turned.” Simon said, his voice quivering a little. “We got caught too close to one of the Institutes when the sun came up. He’d been trying to find me something to drink. We didn’t have time to get somewhere safer. He kept saying how stupid it was and that we should have left when we could."

Simon took in a shaky breath that Magnus knew he didn't need. "They found us. I didn’t even really know what shadowhunters were. I didn’t understand. Raphael fought them. I didn’t. They saw my mark and when they saw Isabelle’s name, something changed. They’d been about to kill us but I guess that stopped them.” Simon's hands stilled again, letting the facade that he was focusing on cleaning fade away. "They dragged us to a car and managed to get to a door with a canopy, so they could get us inside without us burning but they ah- they made a mistake. They let us go for a second, when they were getting the door open. I guess they figured we had nowhere to go.”

Simon fell silent for a moment and Magnus almost asked him to stop. He knew what Raphael would have done. He knew what Simon was going to say but when Simon kept talking, Magnus stayed silent. 

“He told me if I was smart, I’d follow him and then he ran into the sun.” Simon laughed softly but it was a wet, bitter sound. “I didn’t follow him, obviously. I was scared.” 

Magnus didn’t speak for a long moment. It was hard to process any of what he was hearing. Magnus wanted to be sad but like Ragnor, Magnus was also relieved. Raphael was not here. He had not died with a collar around his neck. Finally, Magnus murmured, “He’s better off.”

Simon nodded. He looked up and Magnus saw that his eyes were glossy but he didn’t not cry, “Yeah. Izzy wishes they’d have grabbed him. She thinks he’d have been happy here with us but I don’t think so.” Simon finally looked back down and pushed his wet napkins away before grabbing more dry ones. “He told me about you though. He came to help me before we even realized we were soulmates. I asked why and he told me you’d helped him once, when he had just been turned. He told me you saved him.” 

Magnus reached for the glass again, sweeping it all together as he stared down at the blood he’d only managed to smeared. “Raphael saved himself.” He murmured at last. Raphael had saved himself in more ways than one, apparently. 

Simon looked up at him again. At the beginning of the hall, someone was walking towards them. Simon glanced up to them and then back to Magnus. “I’d like to hear about it sometime.” He murmured and then, they didn’t have another chance to say anything more.

Magnus wasn’t sure what he was expecting that night but Alec and him went to bed around nine, like normal. Alec brought him some soup for dinner and they ate in relative silence as Alec jittered softly. He seemed nervous but he was also doing a rather good job at hiding it. 

It was only twenty minutes later that Magnus realized he felt weird. He turned and his vision spun, like he’d been drinking but Magnus knew he hadn’t been. He _wished_ he had but he hadn’t been given a drop of alcohol since he’d gotten here. He’d have remembered that.

“You look tired.” Magnus heard Alec say. He was tired. He was far, far too tired. He felt like he was about to pass out and he hadn’t even felt like that when he’d been sleep deprived days before. He slept last night. The day hadn’t been exceptionally draining. He shouldn’t feel this tired now. It didn’t make sense. 

Alec came forward. He helped Magnus lay down and Magnus went limply, staring up at him as his head hit the pillow. Alec tugged the blankets out from under him and pressed them around his shoulders gently, tucking him in like one might a child. 

“Sleep, Magnus.” Alec murmured softly. He moved forward and his lips pressed against Magnus’ forehead. His lips felt soft and warm and Magnus felt a whimper threaten to leave his mouth as Alec pulled away. It was uncharacteristic for Alec to be that soft and affectionate. He was always so guarded around Magnus, even when he was being kind. He was always so secretive. 

He didn’t think Magnus was going to remember this, Magnus realized. He’d drugged him, Magnus thought just before his eyes slipped shut and everything went dark. Alec had drugged him. No part of Magnus had expected that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I've updated this three days in a row. I really can't believe that but I have a fic I'm suppose to be working on that actually has a deadline, so I'm promising myself I won't touch this until next weekend. If I update earlier than that, yell at me! I have other things I have to do! 
> 
> That being said, I hope you like this chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec worries and something goes horribly wrong.

Alec sat on the edge of the bed, his legs jittering. He kept catching himself bouncing his feet and then forcing himself to be still, looking to Magnus scared he’d managed to wake him up. Then, he remembered what he’d done and his anxious feet would be back at it again. 

Magnus was not going to wake up for a few hours. Hopefully, he wouldn’t wake up at all tonight. If he woke up and saw that Alec was gone, then this was all for nothing. That would completely destroy the point of why Alec had done this in the first place. 

Alec had done a lot of bad things before. He’d stolen and hidden things. He’d lied. In a couple of cases, he’d done worse than that to try to keep everyone safe and make sure no one suspected a thing but he’d never drugged someone before. He didn’t know how much of it to use. He didn’t know if he’d given Magnus too much or too little. He didn’t know if he’d given it to him too early. 

Alec was an anxious person. He always had been. When he was a child, his mom used to smack him for picking at his fingers but he still picked at them until they bled. It was something he’d tried to stop doing recently. Alec couldn’t look anxious. It couldn’t be obvious something was bothering him. 

Still, Alec let his feet jitter. No one could see him doing it now and even if someone could, Alec needed something to do with his body. He couldn’t just sit there. 

Alec was worried about Magnus. He was worried he’d given Magnus too much and he was going to come back to find that Magnus had stopped breathing. He was worried he hadn’t given him enough and Magnus was going to wake up and see Alec gone and demand to know where he went. 

Alec was worried he would have to tell Magnus everything. Alec was worried he’d get caught and when they forced the sword into his soulmate’s hands, Magnus would incriminate himself and tell everyone he knew what Alec was doing all along. 

Alec was worried he’d have to watch his soulmate die a slow and horrendous death. Alec was worried they wouldn’t kill him but use him as an example instead and Alec would be helpless to do anything to protect him.

Alec was worried Shade had been caught and they were walking into a trap tonight. Alec was worried someone was going to follow them. Alec was worried someone would see something, anything, and people would start to look at Alec. 

Alec was a very anxious person but the circumstances he set up for himself didn’t exactly help either. Anxiety didn’t pair well with being a traitor. Anxiety didn’t pair well with sneaking downworlders out, working with warlocks and drugging his soulmate so he wouldn’t know what was going on. 

A few minutes later, Magnus moved in his sleep and that was enough for a whole new line of anxious thoughts to rush into his head. What if Magnus was waking up now?

Alec reached out for him and placed a hand gently on his arm, caressing the warm skin that met him there. 

Magnus stilled again and Alec liked to think it was because of him. It was nice to touch his soulmate without feeling like his every movement was going to break something. He couldn’t let anyone see him be nice to Magnus. He couldn't get too close to Magnus even when they were alone but when Magnus was asleep (Alec pointedly didn’t think the word ‘drugged’), Alec could touch him and let himself enjoy it.

He hoped his touch calmed Magnus somewhat. He hoped Magnus was having a nice dream, wherever he was in his head. For all the horror their world was, Magnus deserved something nice in his dreams at least.

It was almost an hour later when a knock came softly on Alec’s door. Despite expecting it, Alec jumped. He imagined opening the door to a Clave official on the other side, demanding Alec come with them. He imagined himself being put in cuffs and being marched through the Institute with everyone watching. He imagined dying in front of a crowd. 

On the other side of the door stood Aline. She’d changed her clothes from earlier and now, she was wearing a pair of simple PJ’s that were much different from Alec’s dark outfit. She would not be coming the whole way tonight. It was more important for her to look casual if anyone caught her walking around. It was more important for Alec to be able to blend in.

Madzie stood beside her. Aline had given her a shirt that was too big for her and a jacket that came down around her thighs like it was a dress. In her pocket, Alec could see a granola bar peeking out and some other things that Alec was sure were more snacks. 

Shade would have food, especially knowing it was a child he was coming to get but it was still good for Madzie to have her own. Shade and her would have a long walk after they left. They couldn’t use portals near any of the Institutes without them being tracked. They would have to walk until they were far enough away that they were sure the Clave wouldn’t be able to track them and even then, they’d probably walk a little farther just in case.

Of course, the Clave insisted distance didn’t matter. It was a rumor they kept up to scare those who were free into thinking they were more powerful than they were. Portals were a very big advantage that the downworld had and if they were all too scared to use them, it made it far easier to catch them. 

Aline glanced into Alec’s room, eyeing Magnus asleep on the bed. She frowned but she didn’t say anything. They didn’t have time to get into it. She knew what Alec had done and she didn’t agree with it. She understood but she thought Alec should tell Magnus. She thought Magnus could be an asset to them, especially with him being Alec’s soulmate. 

Alec disagreed, clearly. He stepped outside and closed his door softly behind him, locking it with a rune that he took extra care to make sure he drew right. 

Alec thought Aline might understand why he didn’t want Magnus to be a part of what was going on. She knew why he didn’t want to tell Izzy, for reasons that were very similar and she agreed with him then. 

Izzy would be on their side but she drew too much attention to herself as it was. Everyone saw how well she treated Simon and more than a few people didn’t like it. If it was ever exposed that someone was sneaking downworlder’s out, Izzy would be one of the first people that was accused and that’s why she couldn’t know. 

Magnus was a little different. Every downworlder would be suspected but Alec’s soulmate more than anything. He’d been one of the rebels during the uprising and he’d managed to kill more shadowhunters than most. He’d managed to slaughter Circle members and he’d managed to protect his people as long as he could. He’d almost been enough to tip the war in the downworld’s favor- almost. 

Alec had read his file many times before. Magnus was powerful. Had he not been Alec’s soulmate, the Clave probably would have made an example of him and if Alec was ever caught and Magnus knew about it, well they’d still love to do so.

Alec wanted to protect him as much as he could and besides, there wasn’t much Magnus could do to help anyway. The least anyone knew the better and there was no reason for Alec to put Magnus in anymore danger than he already was here. 

Aline wanted them to get Magnus out. Aline thought Magnus could be the key that changed everything, if they had him on the outside. It would be smart if it wasn’t incredibly stupid. No one suspected Alec now but if his soulmate escaped, well that would be it. He’d be investigated instantly and he would not pass that kind of scrutiny. 

Magnus’ fate was sealed with Alec’s name on his back. He would not be one of the ones that ever made it outside again. He was going to die here with a collar around his neck no matter what Alec wished he could do about it. 

Alec’s eyes skimmed over Madzie once more.

She looked unsure but she didn’t flinch away from Alec’s gaze. She watched him, her eyes wide open. Alec wasn’t sure the last time he’d seen a downworlder look at him like that, so self assured to do such a simple thing as stare back. 

Magnus probably. Shade before him. None of the broken ones ever did that. None of the ones that had been here longer than a year did that. Even Simon, unless it was Isabelle, did not look Shadowhunters in the eye like that.

Aline had picked a good one. She’d be powerful when she got older, if she survived on the outside for that long. 

Alec met Aline’s eyes and nodded once, a question. 

Aline nodded in return and without a word, they started to walk down the hallway towards the back entrance. There were less people here and even less at night. Alec lived in an area of the Institute that wasn’t well traveled on purpose but still, the whole way Alec was waiting for someone to come around the corner and catch them. 

Thankfully, no one did. 

They slipped outside into the cover of darkness and Alec breathed a sigh of relief. They weren’t safe here. Someone could still catch them but in the darkness, Alec felt a million times better. He was in his element here and to be away from the Institute’s walls was already a comfort. 

It was disappointing that he couldn’t enjoy the relief because now, they had to do the hard part. They’d figured out how to get the collars off, a collaboration between Shade and him that had taken more than one try to get right and then a few more times after that for Alec to be able to do it on his own. They were not made to come off and more than a few downworlders had died before they’d figured out how to do it right. 

Alec tried not to think about that much. There was nothing he could have done for them but their screams as Alec scrambled to cover their mouths, while Shade tried to fix it- it was something Alec relived more than once in his dreams. They used the silence rune after that and that only made it a little better. They had to deactivate it before the collar actually came off but it helped. 

They figured out how to get the collars off eventually but some things about it never changed. They never figured out how to make it painless. Shade didn’t think they would. It was an integral part of the collar’s design. It had been done on purpose, to make any attempt at getting it off excruciating. 

Alec stilled and turned back to Aline. He stared at her, hoping she’d speak first but she didn’t. Alec looked to Madzie finally and then he knelt, his knee finding the cold ground as he crouched to her level. “We’re going to take that off now, so they can’t find you.” He reached for his own neck in explanation as he spoke.

Slowly, Madzie nodded. “It’s going to hurt,” she stated simply. 

It wasn’t a question but Alec nodded anyway. Aline must have told her already. “It will.” Slowly, Alec reached for the stele in his pocket. He held it out in front of him, letting her see it. “I’m going to have to put a rune on you, so you can’t scream.” Alec spoke evenly but he waited after, letting her process his words. He waited for some kind of change in her face that never came.

Instead, she just nodded again. “I’m ready,” she said without an ounce of hesitation. 

Alec waited another moment, readying himself this time, before he reached forward. He drew the rune as softly as he could on her cheek and he kept waiting for her to look scared but she never did. 

Even when Aline came behind her to hold her; even when Alec started to carve at the runes on the collar and begin prying it off despite every attempt the collar made to force him to stop, she didn’t look scared. She just clenched her eyes shut until it was over and when Alec finally dropped the collar, all she did was wipe her tears away and take a few deep breaths. 

Alec had seen adults need more time to steady themselves than Madzie did then. He knew how excruciating the pain she had just felt was and yet, she blinked her wet eyes up at him, waiting for him to tell her what to do now.

Aline hesitated for a moment before she reached for the collar. She’d get rid of it and then, she’d go inside. In the morning, she’d wake up and tell everyone Madzie was gone and they’d all go look for her. With his parents gone, it was Alec’s role to head the search. Magnus would wake up and think he’d just fallen asleep the night before. No one would suspect anything. 

Aline patted Madzie's shoulder and then, she turned to leave.

When she was gone, Alec took Madzie’s hand, more to keep her close than comfort her and together, they headed off into the darkness. Alec was normally so vigilant but things had gone so smoothly so far. Leaving was the most dangerous part. If they were caught, it would be hard to explain why they were out but after they were gone, it was easy. Alec just had to get her there, leave her and then get back. 

He didn’t even notice that someone was following them, until it was too late.

They approached the clearing twenty minutes later. Alec knew they were early but it was better to be early than late. If they arrived late, Shade would be gone already and then, they would be screwed. Alec would be stuck with a warlock with no collar and no where to send her. 

It was far better to be early, so when they reached the clearing before Shade got there, Alec breathed a sigh of relief. “This is it,” he said to Madzie. Alec turned and scanned the clearing around them, not surprised when he saw nothing. 

Madzie herself stared around for a moment. She walked a few steps away from Alec, exploring the little bit that the clearing had to offer. Alec watched as she perched herself on a rock and pulled the granola bar out of her pocket to eat as they waited. 

Alec wished he’d brought his phone, so he could see exactly what time it was but that was just another thing that could be tracked. Alec didn’t exactly think the Clave knew how to do that but he also didn’t think they’d share that information if they could. It was better to be cautious. 

Alec leaned against a tree, keeping an eye on Madzie all the while. After a moment, he closed his eyes. He hadn’t slept much the past few days. Everything had been so hectic with Magnus and this. Maybe, if he rushed back he could actually sleep for a few hours before he had to get up. He imagined curling up next to Magnus and the thought made him even more tired. 

Luckily, Madzie snapped him out of it before he could actually fall asleep. ‘Alec,’ was all she said but her tone made Alec’s eyes snap open instantly. He glanced at her and found her still sitting where she had been but she wasn’t looking at him. She was looking past Alec, towards where they’d just come from. Her snack was abandoned at her side and her hands were raised, like she was prepared to jump up and run or fight. 

Alec pulled himself off the tree and spun around, his hand already going for the only blade he had in his pocket. He saw what Madzie had seen instantly. There was someone standing there and Alec could see in the pale moonlight that it was not the green skinned warlock he’d been prepared to meet. 

It was a shadowhunter, one Alec knew all too well. For a moment, Alec didn’t even know what to do. He knew he should be speaking, trying to talk his way out of this but what could he even say? It was obvious what Alec was doing and there was no way out of it. 

All of Alec’s worst fears flashed through his head in an instant. He was going to be killed. Aline was going to be killed with him. Magnus would be taken away and Alec wasn’t even sure what they’d do with him, if it would be better than the death Alec had tried to spare him from. 

“Run,” Alec said evenly. He should be panicking and deep down part of him was but on the surface, all he could feel was an icy calm that glazed over everything else. He’d always known this was a possibility, hadn’t he? 

He’d always known he’d get caught eventually. He had just hoped it wouldn’t be this soon. He had hoped he’d be able to do more good than what he’d actually managed to do so far. They'd only just started. It had taken so long to figure out the collars, for Alec to learn what he could about the portals, for his parents to trust him to leave. At least, he'd told Shade what he knew but without a shadowhunter on the inside, he wasn't going to be able to get anyone else out. All of it ended here with Alec. 

Madzie didn’t move, so Alec spoke louder, keeping his eyes on the person in front of him the whole time. “Run, Madzie!” He snapped and finally, he heard her scramble to her feet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things continue to go wrong.

Alec recognized the dark haired boy that stood before him. He knew who Sebastian was. Everyone did. Being Valentine’s son, he was a bit of a legacy. He’d been visiting their Institute for a few weeks now but he’d hardly even been a thought in Alec’s mind.

It was summer. A lot of shadowhunters came to New York in the summer. Alec was pretty sure Sebastian and his sister had come last year. Him showing up with his parabatai had hardly even been on Alec’s radar, especially not with everything else going on. Alec hadn’t even spoken to them past pleasantries but now - well, now Alec thought maybe he should have paid a little more attention to them.

Clearly, Sebastian had been paying some attention to him. “I didn’t think you were _actually_ doing it,” Sebastian spit. Alec saw the blade in his hand catch the moonlight as he moved but Sebastian didn’t come forward with it. He was toying with Alec. To kill him and spare him what he’d face at the hands of the Clave would be too merciful. “To think- a _Lightwood_ sneaking downworlders out. What would your parents think?”

The mention of his parents sent a jolt of panic down Alec’s spine but that was stupid. What his parents thought was the last thing Alec should be concerned with. He was going to be arrested. Aline was going to be arrested. The Clave would know how they got the collars off. They’d fix the loophole, Alec was sure and _Magnus -_ Alec didn’t even want to think about what was going to happen to him now.

“It’s not what it looks like,” Alec tried finally but his voice was weak, even to his own ears. He was half in his thoughts still trying to think of a way out of it, half resigned to the whole situation. All Alec had was his stele. He could try to take Sebastian down but Alec wasn’t even sure if he could and-

Sebastian laughed. It was a cold, cruel laugh but it hardly even touched Alec. 

Instead, Alec’s mind raced through his options. He could attack him and probably lose. He could run but where? He could slit his own throat and hope he died but Sebastian would draw an iratze on him before he bled out. Sebastian would do anything to keep him alive.

“Jace!” Sebastian yelled, his eyes not moving from Alec for a second.

Alec saw movement in the woods and he felt bile rise in his throat as the blond boy took a few steps forward, a sword in his hands. It was Sebastian’s parabatai and in an instant, Alec knew he couldn’t win a fight against them. He could try and hope they accidentally killed him but it was a long shot. Valentine would be _furious_ if they killed Alec before they could shove the sword into his hands. 

“Go see if you can catch the warlock.” Sebastian ordered. 

Alec felt part of him crack at his words and he was embarrassed that he felt tears prick at the corner of his eyes. Shadowhunters didn’t _cry_ , especially not traitors who’d just been caught but Alec couldn’t help it. He tried to keep his emotions so closed off all the time. He tried to keep them shut down, so they could do as little damage as possible but it hit Alec then just how unfair it was, all of it.

Alec had just met his soulmate. It should have been such a good thing to meet Magnus but it had been one of the worst days of Alec’s life and now, _this_. Madzie would not get away. She couldn’t run that fast. Maybe, Shade was nearby and he’d grab her but if he saw the shadowhunters he’d have left as quickly as possible. 

They wouldn’t keep Madzie alive for anything. There was no use. Jace would slit her throat and it was all Alec’s fault. He should have realized someone was following them. There was no excuse for it and yet, he hadn’t.

Alec heard Sebastian snicker. “Awe, Lightwood is crying.” 

Alec clenched his eyes shut tight, trying to will the tears away before they fell. He shouldn’t close his eyes. He shouldn’t take them off Sebastian but what was the point? Alec couldn’t fight them. He’d try the second he felt Sebastian touch him but he wouldn’t win. It was over.

“Jace?” Sebastian called. 

He sounded confused and the tone made Alec’s eyes snap open again. He expected to see Sebastian advancing on him, to see Jace going after Madzie but instead, Jace was walking toward his parabatai.

This close, Alec could see his multicolored eyes shining oddly in the moonlight. Alec froze because even as Jace moved closer to Sebastian, his eyes were locked on Alec. They were wide, a little scared and full of emotion that Alec couldn’t even place. 

Finally, Jace looked away from Alec. He turned, met his parabatai’s eyes and whispered a sentence so soft that Alec could barely even make it out, “I’m sorry.” Jace moved quick and before Alec could even blink, he’d struck Sebastian across the back of his head. 

No one moved, except Sebastian, who fell to the ground in a second. 

Jace took in an uneasy breath. He turned to look back to Alec, the sword he’d used to hit Sebastian still in his hands. His eyes darted behind Alec and then back to Alec’s face before he slowly opened his hand and let his blade fall to the ground.

“You’re actually doing it.” Jace whispered, something akin to awe in his tone. “I didn’t think you were really doing it. I didn’t think we’d really catch you out here.” Jace’s eyes darted behind Alec again and finally, Alec turned to see what he was looking at. 

Shade was standing at the edge of the clearing, his body half hidden in the darkness. Alec could see a small shape behind him and Alec knew it was Madzie. Shade’s hand was outstretched but empty, like he was ready to lash out at either of them if they moved towards him but neither of them did.

Finally, Shade spoke, “You shadowhunters always make things so complicated.”

Complicated was an understatement. Alec’s tears dried in his eyes and he felt blind incredulous panic rising in his throat. Alec had no clue what the fuck had just happened. He had no clue what any of this meant. He’d never even spoken to Jace beyond a formal hello, why in the world had Jace knocked his parabatai out and what the fuck was Alec supposed to do about it now?

Alec thought he might throw up for a second, the feeling of pure disbelief overwhelming him. Alec spun towards Jace, his eyes wide in a shocked panic he could barely even contain. “Why did you do that?” He demanded as he stalked forward and snatched up the sword Jace had dropped off the ground. 

Jace’s eyes widened a little. He looked like he wanted to back up as Alec moved forward but he stayed planted in place, as if he thought it was a test to see if he’d move. “I didn’t think anyone was doing what you’re doing.” He said finally. He fell silent after he spoke, like _that_ answered Alec’s question but when he realized Alec was still staring, waiting, he opened his mouth and spoke a little more hesitantly. 

“I want to help. I’m on your side.”

Alec stared at him, his expression unchanging. Jace Herondale being on his side for anything was the funniest thing Alec had heard all week. He was Sebastian’s _parabatai_. Everyone knew Sebastian took after his father and to be parabatai with such a monster, Alec knew Jace had to be the same. “Why should I believe you?” Alec snapped.

Jace’s eyes darted nervously to Shade behind Alec and then back to Alec’s face. He hesitated for a second before he looked down to his parabatai’s slumped form. He cracked a smile, like he was making a joke but his eyes were still nervous under it all. “I did just knock my parabatai out for you.” He pointed out, which was a fair point.

He had. That didn’t mean Alec was convinced that _Jace_ of all people wanted to help him with anything. “You know I can’t let him wake up.” Alec said, watching Jace’s reaction closely. “He’ll tell everyone about me. I can’t let him leave here.” 

Jace flinched at his words but he nodded seriously. “I know. I’ll do it.” 

It took Alec a moment to even understand what Jace was referring to because the thought was so incomprehensible. “You’ll do what?” Alec asked when he realized, not believing Jace could really be saying what Alec thought he was. 

“I’ll kill him.” Jace said simply. “He’s my parabatai. I should do it.” Jace didn’t sound happy at the thought of it but Alec could see in his face that he meant it. He’d kill him right here. 

Part of Alec still didn’t believe him though. He thought it had to be some kind of trick. “Then, do it.” Alec said blankly. 

Jace looked up to him and eyed him for a moment. When he saw that Alec was serious, he reached his hand out for the sword Alec had taken from him. When Alec handed it over, he turned to his parabatai and Alec didn’t believe he was going to do it right until he saw Jace kneel at his parabatai’s side.

His grip on the sword was gentle. He positioned it over Sebastian’s heart and in a quick, graceful motion, he pushed the blade in as deep as it would go before he pulled it out completely. It was a merciful death and Sebastian didn’t even wake.

Alec expected Jace to cry out. It was painful when your parabatai died but the only thing he did was shutter. They couldn’t have been a very close pair but Jace still reached forward and placed his hand gently over Sebastian’s face. 

“Ave atque vale,” he murmured softly before he rose to his feet again and held out the bloodied sword for Alec to take from him. Jace’s eyes looked a little damp, not unlike Alec’s had a moment before, but otherwise he didn’t look like someone that had just killed their parabatai. He looked like a soldier, reporting for duty. He looked like he was ready to do whatever Alec told him to.

Alec’s mind was in a whirl of disbelief but he reached for the blade and took it back, just before he heard Shade speak behind him. “This has been very entertaining but I should be leaving now that I’ve seen the best part.” 

Alec turned slowly, meeting Shade’s eyes in the darkness. Shade had a flippant kind of humor, one that reminded Alec a little of Magnus, but he’d stayed for a reason and Alec knew that it wasn’t just his interest in whatever mess Alec had gotten into. 

“You wanted something.” Alec said, more of a statement than a question. 

Shade hesitated. “Well, I wanted to make sure my associate didn’t die but-” He glanced back to Madzie and then he took a step forward, his horned green face meeting the moonlight as his voice hushed. “You have a new warlock.” He murmured under his breath. “He’s one of mine. I wanted to ask-” 

Shade didn’t get a chance to finish asking whatever it was he wanted to ask because a sound broke through the woods. Alec jumped and spun to look at Jace. He recognized that sound instantly but Alec hadn’t brought his phone-

In Jace’s hand was his phone, flashing red and screeching with the Institute's alarm. Jace held it up for Alec to see, his face white. 

Aline wasn’t supposed to tell anyone Madzie was gone until morning. Technically, it was morning right now but if she had done this on purpose, they had a very big lapse in communication to talk about.

“We need to go,” Alec rushed out. Alec looked to Shade to apologize but all Shade did was nod. 

“Go.” He backed up into the shadows again and Alec saw him pull Madize’s hand into his own. They needed to go too. There would be a search party out here soon and they couldn’t be anywhere near it.

Alec turned and his eyes found Sebastian’s body on the ground once again. For a moment, he’d almost forgotten about him and the sight brought back all the panic Alec had felt before. What were they supposed to do with his body? They couldn’t just let someone find him-

Before Alec could even finish the thought in his head, the whole clearing was lit up in green. Alec felt the prickle of magic on his skin right before Shade shot out a flash of it; his emerald magic scorching Sebastian’s body, hiding the hole in his chest that Jace had made and leaving him just distinguishable enough that whoever found him would know who he was. 

“Madzie killed him.” Shade said and it became the truth as he spoke it. Madzie had gotten out. Sebastian had followed her. Madzie had killed him and she’d gotten away. 

Alec turned to thank him but when he did, Shade had already disappeared into the trees. Alec saw a flash of Madzie behind him and he thought he saw her turn back and wave before they were completely out of sight. 

“We need to go.” Jace said, echoing Alec’s words from a moment before. 

Alec nodded and together, they both started running towards the Institute. Alec would go in the back way and sneak to his room. Jace would go wherever. They’d both go down to the lobby separately, only having taken long enough that everyone would think they’d been getting dressed and in the lobby, they wouldn't even look at each other. 

After all, they didn’t know each other. They’d hardly even spoken before. Jace would announce that he couldn’t find Sebastian. They’d all go look for Madzie and someone would find his burnt body. Alec ran through it in his head twice as he tried to make sure nothing seemed odd about any of it. 

The Institute came into sight and as Alec ran through it all a third time, he realized something he had missed. “How did you know?” Alec asked as they both slowed. They needed to hurry. They didn’t have time for this but Alec needed to know.

Jace turned to him, confused. 

“How did you know to follow me tonight?” Alec clarified.

Jace shrugged quickly as he looked to the Institute, clearly preoccupied. “I don’t know. Sebastian said something about a note.” Jace glanced back to him, scanning his face to see if they were done. “We should go.” He insisted and he was right, they should. 

Alec nodded and they both headed inside without another word. No one was at the back door. Jace turned to go left and Alec turned right to head towards his room. 

_A note_ , Jace had said. It was simple enough but it wasn’t really simple at all. There was only one note Sebastian could have been talking about and there was only one person besides Alec who could have seen that note that Shade had sent. 

Alec assumed Magnus hadn’t seen it but clearly, he’d been wrong. Magnus had seen it and he’d told someone. Alec wasn’t sure if Sebastian had approached Magnus and asked if he knew anything or if maybe, it was all a set up since the beginning. 

Maybe, Magnus hadn’t really been caught that day at all. Maybe, it had all been a set up and Sebastian had caught Magnus before anyone. Maybe, Magnus had been given to Alec when he had because Sebastian had suspected him.

That was a little far fetched. Most likely, Sebastian had just cornered Magnus and Magnus had told him but the result was the same anyway, whether it had been a set up the whole time or not. 

Magnus had betrayed him.

Alec came to the conclusion in his head and he didn’t even consider that something else had happened. He didn’t even consider that Sebastian might have gone through his jacket and read the note before Alec burned it. The only thing Alec could think was that his soulmate had betrayed him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things, unsurprisingly, continue to go wrong. Alec feels like he's losing control of everything he's tried so hard to keep contained.

Aline made her way back inside, leaving Madzie and Alec behind her. Truthfully, Aline wanted to go with them. Leaving them to go alone so she could go inside and wait wasn’t an ideal plan, at least, not to her. She wanted to help. She wanted to be there in case something happened but Alec was right.

It was better for her to be here. If someone found out her _and_ Madzie were gone, she’d be suspected instantly but if Aline was found alone, she could insist she was looking for Madzie or hadn't even noticed she was gone at all. It was better for Alec to go alone. Alec didn’t have a tie to Madzie. No one would even know Alec wasn’t in his room and besides, the warlock Alec was going to meet knew him, not her. It might make him nervous to see Alec with another shadowhunter he didn’t know or trust.

Still, Aline couldn’t help but feel a little anxious at being left out. She was never one to sit on the sidelines and let other people handle things, until now that was. Now, Aline left Alec to do the hard part as she made her way back to her room, feeling particularly useless.

As she walked, she couldn’t help but think of Helen. She thought of Helen often but in moments like this, she especially couldn’t help it. She wondered if Helen would be proud of her for doing her part to try and right all the wrong in their world. She wondered if Helen would be proud of her efforts, no matter how small they really were compared to the endless horrors their people took part in everyday.

She wondered if Helen was even still alive on whatever island they’d sent her to or if she’d been dead the whole time and that’s why no one, not even her mother, could contact her. Aline tried to push that thought away. Everytime she thought of Helen, it always ended up there but it was no use dwelling on it. She tried to focus on what she was doing instead. She could think of Helen later, in the privacy of her room- as if she could be alone with her thoughts and ever think of anything else.

She had almost made it to her room, when she heard something behind her for the first time. She spun around instantly, her hand twitching to move to the stele in her pocket. She forced her hand to be still, her mind flashing with thoughts of being caught, her explanation of Madzie being gone, but when Aline turned, there was not an inquisitive shadowhunter standing there like she had expected.

Instead, there was a lone downworlder standing there, a vampire that she didn’t recognize. Aline froze, everything in her mind halting. She knew what she was supposed to say if she was caught by a shadowhunter but this? Aline didn’t really know what this meant. Aline raised an eyebrow, her mouth opening to ask for an explanation when the vampire spoke, catching her off guard. Even Aline was used to the respect that she was normally given by downworlders. She was used to speaking first. She was used to eyes cast down and timid expressions.

This vampire was not looking down and she did not look timid. Her words snapped and Aline realized all at once that this wasn’t a coincidence or a mishap. This vampire hadn’t accidentally stumbled into the same hallway as Aline or seen her and needed something. She’d followed her. “You walked out with that girl,” the vampire said, her teeth flashing with the next question that came out of her mouth. “Where is she?”

Adrenaline shot through Aline’s body at the sight of fangs, readying her for a fight that she hoped was not coming. “She’s gone,” Aline said, trying and struggling to think of exactly what to say here. If she was Alec, always thinking about what could go wrong and who could ruin them, she wouldn’t let this vampire leave here. It was too dangerous, even if she could somehow explain.

“You killed her?” The vampire demanded, mistaking what Aline had meant.

Aline sucked in a breath, her hand moving slowly to her pocket, feeling the cold touch of the stele there. She hadn’t intended to need to use it. That wasn’t part of the plan. “I didn’t kill her,” Aline insisted evenly, trying to keep her voice as level as possible. “She escaped.”

The vampire eyed her disbelievingly and then she barked a soft, cold laugh. “You expect me to believe that?” She asked, stalking a step forward. “A shadowhunter would never help a warlock escape. There is no _escaping_. Everyone knows the collars don’t come off. So, what did you do with her? You left with her. I _saw_ you.”

Aline took a step back, wrapping her hand around the weapon at her fingertips. It was obvious now that she had a weapon but the vampire didn’t seem scared of it, like most downworlders were conditioned to be. In a way, it was admirable what this vampire was doing. The downworlder had always been fiercely protective of their children in a way that shadowhunters never were. Children were weapons here. Children were just soldiers.

It was nice to see that even in these walls, there was someone who was willing to step forward, at least when it came to the children. It was nice but that didn’t mean Aline’s heart didn’t sink in her chest at the same time.

Alec would not let her go. He would not be that lenient and that was part of the reason they’d been able to do this for as long as they had. Alec would do whatever it took to keep people quiet. Greater good and all.

Aline struggled to be that decisive. Even here, she thought of Helen. What if this vampire was her halfling soulmate? What if Helen was somewhere, getting involved in something she didn’t understand? What if there was a shadowhunter, debating if her life was worth the risk?

“I didn’t kill her,” Aline insisted. She took another step back, trying to get as much distance between them as possible. “She’s out. I can prove it but you can’t tell anyone-”

“She’s not _out_ ,” The vampire hissed, sounding enraged that Aline would even say it. Aline felt her back hit the wall at the end of the hallway as the vampire came forward again. “You have her blood on your arm,” She stated coldly, her mouth twisting in disgust.

Aline looked down, startled to see that she was right. There was a bit of Madzie’s blood on her hand. It had to have gotten there when they’d taken the collar off but in the dark, Aline hadn’t even noticed.

There was a flash of movement and when she looked up, she found the vampire right in front of her. Aline jolted to shove the blade between them, trying to keep the vampire back even though she clearly had no intention of doing so.

“I didn’t hurt her!” Aline insisted one more time, practically begging the vampire to just listen. She wasn’t even sure what she’d do if she did listen, if this all stopped and she calmed down. They couldn’t have a vampire who knew what they were doing running around. It was too dangerous and yet, Aline couldn’t help but try.

She was not as bad as her peers. She was not what her people did but she was still here, holding a weapon, ready to kill a vampire who was only defending the most innocent of their people.

For a moment, the vampire hesitated and Aline thought she might have actually gotten through to her. Then, something hardened in her face. “You shadowhunters think you can do whatever you want and get away with it. You think you can lie and hurt whoever you feel like and nothing will happen.”

Aline opened her mouth again. She was going to repeat the same thing, spin them in the same cycle of words but then the vampire lunged. She didn’t stalk forward like she had before to leer intimidatingly. She lunged and all Aline could see was teeth and vampyric hands that could rip into her chest in a second.

Aline dove to the side to avoid her but the vampire was quicker than she was. They landed on the ground, a searing pain shooting up Aline’s back as they hit the cold floor together. Aline struggled to get her stele up as the vampire grappled for her neck.

A moment later, she couldn’t breath. She felt the burn of her lungs before she even realized the vampire was holding her throat. She got the stele up finally and shoved it forward, pushing it as deep as she could into the vampire’s chest. The vampire choked, a wet sound coming out of her throat but she didn’t let go of Aline even then.

There was a reason the Clave had decided to kill most of the vampires. They were dangerous and no collar could take that away, like they could with the warlocks or the faeries who hadn’t fled or the werewolves, who could not shift with the metal around their necks.

The vampires could still kill them, when they were fed up and they were hard to kill in return. Aline felt the cold blood of the vampire dripping between her hands as she let go of the stele, leaving it plunged in the vampire’s chest as she struggled uselessly to pull at the vampire’s hands around her throat.

Everything had just started to go black when Aline heard someone yell at the top of the hallway. It was an all too familiar a voice but Aline didn’t even have a chance to try and piece together who it was before the vampire on top of her was choking out in pain.

All at one, Aline could breathe again and for a few moments, she just laid against the ground, gasping. In her bleary sight, there was suddenly Isabelle Lightwood, standing over her holding a now bloodied weapon. “What the fuck happened?” She snapped, reaching to help Aline to her feet.

Aline grabbed Isabelle’s hand, realizing for the first time just how much blood she was covered in. By the time Aline was standing and she’d managed to look down to the vampire who'd attacked her, she was dead, the wound where Isabelle had stabbed her gushing dark blood onto the floor.

Aline took in a deep breath, aware of Isabelle still staring at her, waiting for an explanation. “Come on,” She said without turning, her voice raspy and hoarse. “I’ll explain quickly and then…” Aline took in another breath, still struggling to calm down. “We have to go tell someone a warlock is missing.”

Behind her, Isabelle stammered. “A warlock is missing? Who? What does that have to do with the vampire attacking you?”

Aline pushed Isabelle towards her door without answering. Alec hadn’t wanted his sister to know what he was doing. He thought it was too dangerous and Aline agreed. Isabelle was bold and she was not one to stay quiet about her opinions. That made her a target but Isabelle Lightwood was smarter than Alec gave her credit for. She wasn’t the tiny child that Alec remembered.

She’d probably have put it together someday anyway, even if Aline hadn’t told her right there. Still, Aline knew Alec was going to be furious but she didn’t have time to dwell on it. They needed to go tell everyone that Madzie had escaped, before someone stumbled on a body in Aline’s hallway.

Aline just hoped everything had gone okay and that Alec was back already.

The lobby of the Institute was a mess of activity the moment Alec got there. Everyone had already arrived apparently but no one seemed to know what to do besides bustle around frantically, some grabbing weapons, some just looking lost. It was the definition of chaotic and something about the scene made Alec’s chest tighten in worry.

Something had gone wrong here. Aline wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that Madzie was gone until the early morning. It gave Alec time to get back and it gave Madzie and Shade time to get away. She wouldn’t have told anyone this early unless something had happened. Yet, when Alec looked around the room, he couldn’t see her anywhere.

Jace was already there. He was talking to two shadowhunters that Alec didn’t know by name, one hand clenched around his now faded parabatai bond, his eyes shimmering wetly, like he was about to cry.

Alec looked away from him. He didn’t know Jace. He didn’t know what happened to his parabatai. He didn’t know that Madzie was gone. He was just the Acting Head of the Institute, who’d woken up a few moments before and walked into this.

Alec walked forward when he couldn’t stall any longer. The crowd around him hushed somewhat and parted for him, letting him right through to Andrew, their Head of Security. Even Andrew looked bewildered, an emotion that Alec rarely saw on his level headed face. He turned toward Alec, sounding relieved to see him standing there. “Alec-” He rushed out, “We have a situation.”

Alec almost laughed at the absurdity of the statement. As if he could have walked into this room and thought everything was fine. Instead, he nodded. “I can see that. What happened?” Alec reached for the monitor that Andrew had been looking at, hoping it would illuminate _something_ as Andrew spoke.

“A warlock escaped, Aline’s.” Alec nodded once in acknowledgement, trying not to look too surprised or at ease with the statement. They’d had warlocks escape before, he reminded himself. It was only when Andrew kept speaking that Alec found himself honestly caught off guard. “A vampire helped her escape. Aline stopped her but the girl got away. Sebastian Morgenstern is missing too-”

At that, Andrew's eyes drifted over to Jace across the room. Alec let his eyes follow, watching Jace’s emotional masquerade. Alec couldn’t hear what he was saying but whatever it was, it looked convincing. It was so convincing that for a moment, Alec was panicked that Jace was telling them what really happened but that didn’t make sense.

Jace had killed his parabatai. Alec could trust him not to give them away, or he hoped so at least. He’d surely be put to death, just like them. Alec just hoped that was enough to make him stay quiet and that he wouldn’t wallow in guilt later and decide to tell everyone everything.

“He’s probably dead,” Andrew continued, his tone a touch softer. “They’re talking to his parabatai now. I’m not sure.”

Alec nodded again, his brow furrow. “Sebastian went after the warlock?” He asked instinctively. Andrew nodded, continuing on about it but Alec was only half listening at that point. In his head, he was thinking about Aline.

There had been no vampire that had helped Madzie. Alec tried to follow the events in his head, trying to see how a vampire could have ended up dead after she’d gone back inside. Similarly, she was probably bewildered the moment she’d heard Sebastian’s name spoken.

They needed to talk. Alec just hoped whatever had happened with the vampire had involved Aline and Aline alone. Alec peered over at Jace one more time. They were dragging too many people in and that’s always where things went wrong.

“Send out a search party for the girl and Sebastian,” Alec said at last. Andrew had sent a couple of people out to look for Madzie but he’d stalled sending more until Alec got there. Andrew should have known to send more the moment he could, regardless of if Alec was there or not but he played dumb, like he hadn’t known what to do.

Alec filed that away for later, if he needed it.

“Go talk to his parabatai and see what happened,” Alec said, nodding his head towards Jace without looking at him again. “Where’s Aline?”

“Her and Isabelle went to check the perimeter, in case anyone else was helping her and might still be lurking around.”

Alec nodded, “I’m going to go talk to her. Find me the second you know anything else.”

Andrew nodded in return and then, they went their separate ways. As Alec moved through the crowd of his people towards the front entrance of the Institute, he got a sinking feeling in his chest as he thought about what Andrew said.

His sister could just have offered to go check the perimeter with Aline and that could be all that happened. Alec repeated that to himself, insisting that was it, until he actually found Aline and Isabelle outside, walking the perimeter slowly with their weapons drawn but their eyes hardly even looking around them.

The moment Isabelle saw him, she launched herself at his chest, hitting him and then hugging him in the same motion before she was pulling away to hit him again. “You’re such an asshole!” She exclaimed loudly, “Why didn’t you tell me?” She said, hitting him once again.

Alec shushed her but Isabelle only lowered her voice a touch before she was scolding him again. Alec met Aline’s eyes over his sister's furious berating. At least, Aline had the sense to look sorry and a bit guilty.

Alec didn’t need his sister to tell him what she was talking about. Alec knew that she knew and for a moment, Alec had the urge to scream. Isabelle saw the expression come over his face and she quieted instantly, watching him.

That morning, all Alec had wanted was to get Madzie out and they’d done that technically but Alec was feeling more and more like Madzie might be the last person they ever got out. They told as few people as possible for a reason. They kept things quiet for a reason. Jace, Isabelle (and she’d surely tell Simon now that she knew), _Magnus-_

Alec had never felt more like he was losing control of everything and when Andrew caught him a few hours later, as Alec was on his way to his room to see Magnus for the first time since he’d drugged him the night before, nothing he said made anything any better.

Sebastian was dead, something Alec already knew but Valentine, their grand leader who'd taken charge and insisted on even more rigid control over the downworld, was on his way as well. Alec should have expected it. His son had died after all but truly, Alec hadn’t expected it.

He’d be there in the morning, along with Alec’s parents. No one had mentioned them coming back but they would, when they heard and Alec was sure they had by now. They wouldn’t come back for a warlock who’d escaped but a warlock who’d escaped and managed to kill Valentine's son on their grounds?

Well, Alec was sure they’d have a lot to say about that.

Alec headed towards his room, feeling like he’d rather do anything else than go confront his soulmate. It was all too much but Alec couldn’t quite starve Magnus because he didn’t want to see him or deal with him. He wasn’t that cruel.

That didn’t mean Alec didn’t walk to his room, dreading it the whole time. Maybe, Magnus would still be asleep but Alec doubted it. The drugs would have worn off by now but still, as Alec opened his door, he hoped.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec loses it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry this chapter took ah, forever. I've been super depressed and everything sucks but I'm finally back and I present to you this chapter, where everything also sucks! Enjoy!
> 
> Warning: Alec's actions in this chapter do stray into abusive territory. Please don't read if that's something that might be upsetting to you.

Everyone knew Sebastian was dead before he was found. Jace told them and showed them his faded parabatai rune as proof but when word of his body being found spread throughout the Institute, everyone still acted as if it came as a shock. Sebastian was _Valentine’s_ son. Jace thought everyone had half expected Sebastian to pop back up with some elaborate story to tell about his bravery and his escape from near death. Valentine’s son couldn’t really be dead, let alone killed by some young warlock that had escaped but he was dead.

Jace didn’t regret doing it. He thought he might feel sorry, later when everything had calmed down but Jace didn’t feel sorry. Instead, he felt relief. He felt more like himself than he had in so long. He felt like a weight had been lifted off him and in some way, it had been. Jace hadn’t even realized how much being bonded to Sebastian had affected him, until now, when the bond was broken.

Jace felt like he was breathing freely for the first time in so long. Perhaps, killing his parabatai would have upset Jace more if it hadn’t been something he’d considered before. That’s why it had been so easy. Part of him knew long before they’d found Alec in the woods that he would end up killing his parabatai someday.

Sebastian was a monster. He took after his father so absolutely but it was worse than that. Sebastian didn’t think his father’s policies were severe enough. Sebastian thought that they should kill every downworlder, save for a warlock or two if they needed something done. They lived forever so Sebastian didn’t see the need to have so many of them. He thought that if your soulmate was a downworlder, you should be killed as well. He thought it was a sign of weakness. A flaw to be eradicated.

Of course, Jace had never shared that his soulmate was a downworlder. He’d never shared it with anyone, not on purpose at least. Everyone thought his soulmate was Clary. It worked out for both of them because she didn’t have one and Jace couldn’t tell anyone about his, so…

That had been when Jace had realized that Sebastian would never change, when he realized he was going to have to kill his parabatai someday. They’d been on a mission on the outskirts of Alicante, waiting out to catch a group of rebels that were apparently in the area. They found no rebels but instead, they’d found a faerie.

Sebastian wanted to kill him right away, regardless of protocol. They were supposed to bring him in to be questioned. Sebastian didn’t care. He didn’t want to risk the Clave deciding the faerie could live. He wanted to make sure he died but more than that, he wanted to do it himself. He was excited to do it.

Jace probably wouldn’t have stopped him, if Meliorn hadn’t murmured his name to him when Jace got close enough. He had to have heard someone call Jace’s name and known the whole time that they were soulmates but Jace hadn’t suspected anything, until that moment when Meliorn spoke.

Jace let him go that night, when no one was looking. Clary had been the only one to see him and the next day, she’d announced to everyone that they were soulmates. Everyone believed that the faerie had just escaped but if anyone found out who Jace’s soulmate was and put it together, well that suspicion would be enough to get him killed, parabatai of Sebastian or not.

Clary had saved him and a few days later, they’d sat and murmured to each other about Sebastian. Killing him hadn’t come up then but Jace was pretty sure they had both had it on the tip of their tongues. They both knew what they’d have to do eventually. Sebastian could not take his father's place. 

Really, Jace was just happy Clary hadn’t come to New York with them. He was happy she hadn’t had to watch her brother die or worse, do it herself. It worked out the best way it could have. Sebastian was dead. Jace had done it and no one suspected a thing.

And now, Jace had some hope he hadn’t had before. All his life, Jace has just gone along with everyone else. There was no use in rebelling. Nothing would ever change. The Clave was too great and their followers, too impassioned. Jace hadn’t even tried to help anyone, until Meliorn but now, there was a rebellion and Jace was going to help if he could. Clary would too, when Jace told her.

A rebellion hadn’t even been fathomable a few days ago but now that Jace knew there was one, he was in. He didn’t have a soulmate to worry about, at least not one that was still in their realm. He didn’t have a parabatai or any family. Really, he had nothing to lose except Clary but Jace knew Clary could handle herself and besides, he knew they both thought this was a cause worth dying for.

Jace made his way to his room, the one he’d shared with Sebastian until now. Clary would come with her father tomorrow, so Jace knew it was only tonight he’d have to spend alone. He’d rather be by himself than in Sebastian’s company anyway but still, they’d been parabatai. Even as rotten as Sebastian was on the inside, he’d soothed some part of Jace just with his presence.

Jace didn’t like to admit it but he always had nightmares alone. Sebastian had always rolled his eyes and grumbled about how Jace was weak to let something as stupid as dreams bother him but he’d let Jace crawl into his bed regardless, when Jace wanted to.

Now, Jace laid in bed alone and for the first time in a very long time, he let himself think of Meliorn without the fear that Sebastian would somehow know. Jace wondered how he was doing.

He’d wanted to tell Alec about Meliorn, thinking it would help him understand exactly why Jace was so willing to help the cause but the words were hard to force out and there hadn’t really been time. Jace had considered that maybe he should find Alec and try to talk to him, make sure they were both on the same page but everyone had needed Alec’s attention the moment he’d showed up. Besides, Jace was sure Alec was asleep by now, probably curled in bed with his own soulmate.

If anyone deserved some rest, it was Alec. He’d looked like he was about to drop earlier. Jace would find him another time. For now, he closed his eyes and he hoped that Sebastian would not visit him in his dreams tonight.

Alec had expected a couple of things might happen when he opened his bedroom door. The first scenario he’d imagined in his sleep deprived, crumbling state was that Magnus would still be asleep. He’d hoped that would be the case but doubted it just as equally. The second scenario he’d imagined would be that Magnus was awake, sitting on the bed or maybe in the shower, doing whatever it was he did for the hours that he was left alone in Alec’s room while Alec did other things.

Alec really didn’t think there were any other options but apparently, there was one option he’d completely missed because when Alec opened the door, Magnus was gone. Alec was sure he was mistaken, when he first walked in and saw his soulmate was nowhere to be found. He thought he had to be in the bathroom but when Alec looked, the bathroom light was off and when Alec walked in, Magnus was nowhere to be seen there either.

For a few still moments, that reality couldn’t even compute in Alec’s head. His door had been locked. There was a window sure but there was no way someone could jump out of it and live- maybe, if Magnus had his magic Alec would consider it but he didn’t. There was no way he’d jumped but then, where the hell could he have gone?

Alec’s room wasn’t very big. It wasn’t like there were places Magnus could hide. It was a small bedroom, an even smaller bathroom, desk, a bed- and yet, Magnus was gone. For a few long moments, Alec stood frozen in the middle of his bedroom, staring at nothing. He couldn’t be gone. It made no sense and yet, he was.

Alec had never wanted to cry more in his entire life than that moment but he didn’t cry. He was a shadowhunter. Shadowhunters didn’t cry even if everything around them was going to shit and your soulmate had betrayed you and then disappeared-

No, Alec wouldn’t cry. He couldn’t. He needed to find Magnus first and then, he needed to figure out what he was going to do about Valentine and his parents showing up and he needed to make sure their story had no holes in it and he needed to make sure his sister knew enough to stay quiet and he needed to make sure he could trust Jace and then, he needed to figure out what he was going to do about the fact that his soulmate was not trustworthy.

Then, after all of that, maybe Alec could cry. Alec turned around and walked back out into the hallway. He took a deep breath and tried to steady his trembling hands and push down the prick of tears he felt in the corner of his eyes.

Alec wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. He wanted to give up completely but he couldn’t do any of that, so he just started walking forward. He didn’t even know where he was going but he just needed to breath and keep walking before he lost it completely.

The moment Alec left his relatively secluded hallway, he was bombarded with people needing _something_ from the Acting Head of the Institute. Alec had hoped everyone had gone to bed by now but there was always someone awake here and there was always someone needing something, especially now.

Before Alec could even look for Magnus, he’d been asked to sign some ‘very pressing’ paperwork. He’d been asked about new protocol in lieu of what had happened. He’d been asked if he knew when his parents were returning and when they should schedule a briefing. He’d been asked to talk to a clave representative who’d apparently been calling since Alec had stepped away not even an hour before.

By the time Alec could finally try to look for Magnus, he didn’t have to. He saw him across the lobby when he was in the middle of a conversation that he could barely even keep track of. The moment Alec’s eyes fell on him, he felt a burst of relief.

Magnus had not run away. Magnus had not been hurt. Magnus hadn’t been dragged out of Alec’s room and been beaten while Alec was away. For a moment, Alec was even relieved when he saw his sister standing with Magnus because that meant Magnus hadn’t left his room to betray him further or do whatever the hell it was Alec’s mind had thought of when he didn’t know where Magnus had gone.

Then, that initial feeling had faded and all he’d felt was rage. His sister was laughing at something. Magnus was smiling a little, clearly not as at ease as Isabelle was but looking more comfortable around her than Alec would have liked even if they weren’t currently standing in the center of the lobby where anyone could see them.

Alec was walking towards them before he could even process his own thoughts. He was pretty sure he’d just walked away from someone mid conversation but Alec couldn’t even recall what they’d been talking about, not when his hands were shaking and every fiber in Alec’s body felt like it was about to explode. Even his breath came into his lungs quivering and unstable. It felt like he’d had too much coffee. It felt like he hadn’t slept. It felt like he’d been up all night helping a warlock escape, watching Valentine’s son die, realizing his soulmate was not who he thought, realizing that nothing Alec did mattered because tomorrow, Valentine would be there and his parents would be there and they’d all demand answers that Alec didn’t have.

Alec felt like he was losing his mind and as he approached his sister, he felt every feeling he’d tried to push away so he wouldn't scream or cry or both bubbling to the surface again.

Isabelle turned to him and the moment she saw his face, she stopped smiling. Her expression flicked in concern and if Alec had been thinking straight, that would have been a sign for him to think for a moment about what he was doing but Alec wasn’t thinking straight. He wasn’t thinking like himself. He was thinking like someone who’d had far too much put on their plate for way too long.

Even Magnus, when he saw the look on Alec’s face as he walked over, took a step backwards. Maybe that should have been another sign that Alec should pause for a moment and try to think before he did anything but Alec didn’t pause to think. He just kept walking and really, maybe that was Alec’s biggest mistake.

Maybe, he should have just gone back to his room. Maybe, he should have gone anywhere but up to them but he didn’t go anywhere. He went right up to them and even the people standing around them seemed to still and turn to look when they saw Alec’s face.

“What did you do?” Alec asked quietly, his eyes locked on his sisters. He hadn’t seen her since he’d talked to her and Aline outside. He’d thought that she’d gone to bed but clearly, he’d been wrong about that.

Frowning, Isabelle took a small step forward. Her hand moved like she wanted to touch Alec’s arm comfortingly but she froze before she touched him, her hand hovering in the air, inches away from his skin. She looked concerned.

“You were so busy. I just thought Magnus might be hungry. I woke him up and we went to get food.” Her eyes flickering across his face again, “Alec, what’s wrong?” She asked a touch softer, her hand finally moving to hold his arm.

Some other time, Alec might have found his sister's touch comforting but today, it wasn’t. Alec yanked his arm away the moment she touched him. “You had no right to do that,” He hissed, his voice rising higher than he’d have liked, had he been thinking.

Those who hadn’t noticed something was happening before certainly noticed now. Alec was known to be level headed, calm, strict when he needed to be but not someone to _yell-_ until now, that was.

Isabelle looked stunned. She lowered her hand slowly, “Well, Alec you can’t just starve him,” She said, looking unnerved and concerned. She looked like she wanted to say more but she fell silent instead, looking from Alec’s tight jaw to his trembling, clenched hands.

She looked like she knew this had to be about something more than just her bringing Magnus to get food but she didn’t look like she knew what. That’s exactly why Alec hadn’t wanted her to know what he was doing. To her, she’d just taken Magnus to get food and it was fine but she never stopped to think about everything else.

She didn’t stop to think about the fact that there would be an investigation here and that maybe, they shouldn’t be caught being kind to downworlders, _Alec’s_ downworlder at that. She failed to think that maybe, someone would see Isabelle with Magnus, laughing, and wonder exactly why she was being so nice, wonder if maybe they knew something no one else did. She didn’t stop to think that if everyone saw Alec’s soulmate around the institute, smiling and laughing, they might wonder why Alec allowed that to happen, they might wonder why Alec didn’t have control of him, why he let Magnus be happy when their society did not think a warlock deserved even that.

She didn’t need to know Alec thought Magnus betrayed him. She didn’t need to know that Alec had wanted to keep him away from everyone because he might be a threat. She didn’t need to know any of that because even if that wasn’t the case, she should have known better.

She should have known better than to draw attention to them when any ounce of suspicion could get them all killed but she never thought about any of that. It was always Alec who had to worry about it and it was always Alec who had to fix it.

“I left him in my room for a reason. My door was _locked_. You had no right to go into my room and take him out,” Alec was yelling now, not talking loudly but _yelling_. He should try to calm down. He knew he should but his hands wouldn’t stop shaking and all Alec could see was red. Isabelle just never understood what she was doing.

“Alec-” She tried softly, her eyes flicking to the people around who were watching with apt interest. “Let’s go talk in your room.” She moved like she was going to turn away but Alec was snapping before she could.

“No,” Isabelle froze and glanced back to him, her eyes wide as he spoke “You can’t just do that!” Alec yelled, trembling and out of breath with his rage. “He’s mine and if I want to starve him, I will! You can’t just do whatever you want like there’s no consequences.”

Isabelle took a deep breath. “Alec, I just took him to get food,” She insisted, staring incomprehensibly at him. She looked like she didn’t know who he was but Alec found it hard to care. “I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that.”

“Well, there was!” Alec snapped, “You should have asked or minded your own business in the first place.”

At his side, Magnus took a small, hesitant step forward. He looked like he knew it might be a bad idea to get involved but even more than that, he looked concerned. His hand reached out, finding Alec’s clenched one with a soft feather light touch. “Alec,” He called softly, frowning. “Are you okay?”

For a moment, Alec felt the room around him fade into the background. Magnus was his soulmate and the lure to lean into him, to clutch his hand close and ignore everything else was still there, even if the Clave liked to train them to ignore it.

For a moment, all Alec could see was Magnus’ concerned eyes. All he could feel was Magnus’ skin against his hand and even the rage Alec felt seemed to dissipate somewhat. His soulmate was there and for a moment, nothing else mattered and then, the moment passed and reality came swarming back in.

Everyone was watching him. Everyone was watching Alec’s soulmate touch him. Everyone had seen Alec freeze at the feeling. Even Isabelle was watching, waiting to see if Magnus had managed to calm him, except she didn’t understand that Alec taking comfort in anything his soulmate did was a sign of weakness.

He wasn’t like her. He couldn’t parade his soulmate around, showing everyone exactly how well they were treated like it was some form of protest. If Alec did that, they’d die. If Alec did that, they’d all be executed.

Alec turned and backhanded Magnus across the face before he could stall any longer, before he could give anyone any more reason to think he’d hesitated. The sound cracked across the room as Magnus’ head snapped to the side. It wasn’t a light slap. Alec hadn’t risked hitting him for show and hoping he knew enough to act like it hurt.

He’d just hit him and he’d done it hard enough that there was no way anyone would question if he’d meant it. “Don’t touch me,” Alec growled in his soulmate’s direction.

Isabelle was staring at him stunned. Magnus didn’t meet his eyes or even reach for his face. He stood limply, shaking a little and staring at the ground. His face would be bruised later. His eye would probably be swollen, it might even be swollen shut when his body finally caught up and reacted to the strike.

Alec knew he should feel bad. He’d felt bad before, when he’d hit Magnus the first time. He hadn’t regretted doing it but he’d felt bad still. He’d hit Magnus ten times harder this time but even now, he couldn’t make himself feel bad.

He was just so mad. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that Isabelle got to do whatever she wanted and Alec couldn’t even let his soulmate touch him without responding. It wasn't fair that he was the only one trying to protect them. It wasn’t fair that Alec had a soulmate and that they were cursed to live like this.

None of it was fair at all.

“If I leave him in my room, leave him there,” Alec snarled, moving past her and assuming Magnus knew enough to be following him. They walked in dead silence and Alec’s hands never stopped shaking, even when they reached his room and disappeared inside.

He could feel his hand tingling still, where he’d hit Magnus and for a brief moment, Alec felt bad for his soulmate. He hadn’t had to hit him that hard but Alec pushed the feeling away as quickly as it had appeared. He couldn’t feel bad now, not with so many people watching them, not with so much on the line.

Alec locked his door and then he walked over to Magnus and before he could say a word, he pulled out his stele and he carved a silence rune across Magnus’ already bruising cheek. He pretended not to notice Magnus’ watery, pleading eyes and then, he turned the lights off without a word and he hoped that maybe, he could get some sleep before he had to get up and try to act convincing enough to save their lives.

Alec didn’t sleep at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me. Maybe someday things might be happy like once.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things start to look up, for a second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to wait until this weekend to post this but I just can't help myself. Here you go!

Magnus managed to fall asleep eventually, though he didn’t think he’d be able to at all. His swollen face was throbbing with pain but it wasn’t the pain that kept him awake for hours. It _hurt_ but Magnus had been hurt before. Magnus had been hurt far worse than he was now by shadowhunters crueler than his soulmate. The pain was there, ever present, reminding him of what had happened but it wasn’t the pain that bothered him.

What bothered Magnus was everything else. What bothered Magnus was the rune carved on his cheek, keeping his teeth clenched tight in his mouth, firmly sealed. What bothered Magnus was that for a moment, he’d thought he understood his soulmate and now, he was back here, not understanding anything at all.

Maybe, Magnus’ problem was that he idealized people. When he’d come here, he’d expected this. He’d expected to be hit. He’d expected to be silenced. He’d expected worse. Then, Magnus had thought he’d realized what his soulmate really was because Alec had to have helped that girl get out, right?

Magnus remembered the note he’d seen. ‘I can take the child tomorrow at midnight,’ written from a warlock, a _free_ warlock, to Alec. What else could the note have meant? A child was gone now and Alec had to have arranged that.

Magnus’ mind had swirled with fantastical idealizations. His soulmate was working against the Clave. His soulmate was not one of them. His soulmate was willing to help a warlock child escape, even at the risk of his own life. Now, well now Magnus didn’t know what to think.

His soulmate was willing to yell at his sister, for feeding Magnus. His soulmate was willing to hit him as hard as he did. His soulmate was willing to carve a rune on to Magnus’ cheek, to keep him quiet. Magnus didn’t know how to rationalize those two sides of his soulmate in his head.

The first time Alec hit him, Magnus had understood. He’d been infuriated but he’d understood. Alec couldn't let him get away with talking back in front of everyone. If Alec had helped the child get out, Magnus understood it even more knowing that. He couldn’t let anyone think he sympathized with downworlders but Magnus wasn’t really sure how to make sense of _this_.

Hitting him, Magnus could rationalize again. Magnus shouldn’t have touched him like that. He should have known better than to touch him, let alone touch him where everyone could see. He should have kept quiet and let Alec and his sister sort it out. He should have tried to blend into the wall behind him while they did.

He’d just forgotten for a moment, where he was and what his life was now. He’d just seen his soulmate upset and he’d wanted to help. He’d been thinking all day about Alec and what he knew about him now. He’d been caught up in thoughts of how great his soulmate was and how relieved he was that his soulmate was not like the rest of them.

He’d forgotten his place, basically. Magnus could understand why Alec had to hit him in front of everyone but he hadn’t had to do it as hard as he did and he hadn’t had to carve a rune into Magnus’ cheek to keep him quiet, when they were alone. 

Magnus didn’t stay up all night, like he’d thought he would. He laid in the dark for a while, listening to Alec’s breath and knowing he was awake as well because he was not snoring like he usual did. Magnus tried to make sense of everything in his head but in the end, he couldn’t.

Magnus’ soulmate was not the grand person Magnus had imagined, when he’d heard the girl had escaped nor was he the person Magnus thought of now, when he felt his face flare in pain if he dared to twitch. The Alec that laid next to him was some mess in the middle, some mess that Magnus didn’t know.

Magnus fell asleep eventually and where he had expected to have nightmares, instead he had a conversation. He relieved a moment in his life like it was happening all over again. Ragnor sitting across from him, Magnus curling around a glass that had failed to soothe the inside of him no matter how many times he emptied it.

It was right after Camille had broken up with him. Magnus recognized the house he lived in, in the dream. She too, Magnus had idealized. He’d thought she was so great, until she wasn’t and Magnus always remembered what Ragnor had said to him that night.

“You’re so desperate to see the good in people who don’t deserve it.”

Magnus woke up to a sharp knock on the bedroom door and a woman who’s voice he didn’t recognize, calling Alec’s name. She sounded familiar but Magnus couldn’t place her right away. He was distracted by the pain in his face and his eye, which was in fact swollen enough to effect his sight.

Alec threw on some clothes, clearly panicked. Maybe, he’d slept in. Magnus wasn’t sure and it wasn’t like he could ask. Alec looked back at him once before he winced and turned away. Even in Alec’s haste to rush outside, he froze at the door and for a moment it looked like he wanted to say something but then he just swallowed and moved to leave.

Magnus wondered what his soulmate would have said, if he’d been able to call out to him and ask.

When Alec opened the door, Magnus caught a glimpse of the woman on the other side and he knew at once who she was. He was staring at Maryse Lightwood, a woman he’d encountered more than once, a woman he wished he’d never met and never wanted to meet again.

Her eyes took in the bruising on his face and the rune carved onto his cheek. For a second, she looked pleased, pleased enough that she didn’t even seem mad that Magnus was staring directly at her, like he knew he shouldn’t.

Alec closed the door and Magnus slowly laid back against the hard pillows, staring up at the dull ceiling above him. Ragnor’s words echoed in his head, his dream finally catching up to his waking mind.

Maybe, Magnus was too desperate to see the good in Alec. Maybe, he hadn’t helped the girl at all. Either way, Magnus closed his eyes and tried to stop thinking about it. No amount of thinking about it would heal his face or let him open his mouth.

Magnus hoped he’d find sleep again and that Ragnor would be there still, waiting to greet him in his dreams.

Alec was pulled into the briefing before he even had a moment to try and wake up and gather his thoughts. He hadn’t expected his mother to be there that quickly and that wasn’t good at all. It shouldn’t have made a difference really but Alec was caught off guard. He was scrambling in his head to remember what it was he wanted to say to the questions he knew were going to be asked and he couldn’t even remember any of them.

He was panicking, as he followed behind his mother. He was panicking and the meeting hadn’t even started yet. They rounded the corner into the hallway full of conference rooms and all of a sudden, his mother was pulling him in one. Alec had expected the room to already be occupied. If his mother was coming to get him, Valentine had to be there already and they had to be starting the briefing, just waiting for Alec to come so they could grill him.

Instead, Alec found himself standing in a dark room, with his mother, alone. She flicked the light on and closed the door behind her before she turned to face Alec, her mouth tight as she took in the sight of him.

“I’m glad to see you’re taking care of your warlock,” she said, taking Alec by surprise.

Alec blink, momentarily stunned by the sudden start to the conversation. He’d expected something completely different to come out of her mouth. She hadn’t been back since they’d captured Magnus but he hadn’t expected that to be the most pressing thing on her mind.

Finally, Alec nodded, once again caught off guard. It took him a moment to realize she must have seen Magnus’ face when she looked in. He was getting praised for hitting him and that was a fact that left him feeling a little nauseous. “Thank you,” he managed to say at last.

Alec thought that would be the end of the conversation about Magnus but the way his mother kept eyeing him told him that it wasn’t. Finally, she spoke again, “I was a little worried when I heard he’d been found but perhaps, I underestimated you. I hope I don’t have to tell you he’s dangerous.”

Alec stared blankly for a few moments before her words registered in his head with a flash of dull panic. “Of course not,” He snapped, his face twisting with just the right amount of offense. “Clearly, I’ve been keeping him in line.”

Maryse stared at him for another long moment before she nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry. There’s just been a lot going on-” Her lips pressed into another displeased line now, clearly reminded of everything that had happened over the past twenty four hours. “As I’m sure you’re well aware of.”

Now, Alec made his face take on a more somber expression. He hoped it didn’t look to incredibly fake. He wasn’t an emotional person. It was hard to tell what was too much sometimes but his mother didn’t seem to notice anything wrong with his face. “I know. It’s unfortunate what happened to Sebastian but the situation seems well contained now. Except the warlock, who we did not find.”

There was a silence after Alec spoke, one that Alec didn’t completely understand. Slowly, his mother nodded. “And what exactly was the situation, Alec?”

At that, Alec frowned. His mother knew what happened. They hadn’t had the official briefing yet but his mother had been told what happened, as Alec was sure everyone else had as well. “The downworlders plotted to help the child escape,” Alec said finally, “I should have noticed they were planning something but it’s hard to keep track of all of them.” Alec said, pivoting, hoping his mother would jump on the chance to put blame on him instead of staring at him critically, as she was now.

She didn’t, which was more startling to Alec than anything else. His mother was so quick to condemn anything he did wrong. The fact that she didn’t right now was more than concerning. “Right,” she said, nodding. Another odd moment passed in silence between them before Maryse sighed, turning towards the door. “Valentine will be here shortly. I’m sure he’d like to see Sebastian’s body before the briefing but I’ll call you when we start. For now, go check the wards. It wouldn’t be a great time to have a flaw in our system.”

Alec nodded and followed his mother into the hallway. He’d been about to turn and head towards the ops center to start checking the wards when his mother called out to him again, making him stop.

“Alec.” Maryse took in a breath, looking a little hesitant now. “Keep an eye on your sister,” She said finally before she was turning on her heels and walking down the hallway again.

Alec didn’t have a chance to ask her why she’d said that, before she was gone.

Alec was in the middle of checking the wards when a body barreled into his chest, knocking the scanner he was holding almost completely out of his hand. Alec didn’t need to look down to know who it was instantly. He knew the feeling of Max’s arms around him and his tiny body slamming into him.

Alec breathed out an unconscious, pleased sigh as he lowered the scanner and caught Max against his chest. He hadn’t thought his brother would be coming with his mother, not with everything going on but he wasn’t upset to see him.

“Alec!” Max yelled, grabbing and scrunching Alec’s shirt up in his hands. It would be wrinkled now but Alec didn’t really mind.

“Max,“ Alec said, a laugh already bubbling on his lips. There wasn’t much that could make him smile instantly but his brother could. “Hey,” Alec waited for his brother to pull away, so he could kneel and pull him into a proper hug. “I missed you,” Alec murmured honestly. He _had_ missed his brother. Even with everything going to shit around him, Alec had missed him a lot.

They clutched each other for a few long moments before Alec pulled away and Max launched into a story about how he’d _accidentally_ knocked out an instructor. As Max spoke, Alec put the scanner away and started walking his brother off to go find Izzy.

He didn’t think his sister would want to see him but frankly, Alec didn’t care. She’d want to see Max and Alec still couldn’t really get what his mother had said out of his head. ‘ _Keep an eye on your sister,_ ’ but why?

Alec didn’t know but he knew it could be nothing good.

Alec was sitting on his sister's bed, the wards completely forgotten about, when Maryse pushed Izzy’s door open and called for Alec. It was obviously the first time her and Izzy had seen each other since she’d arrived but Maryse didn’t bother with pleasantries. She was clearly too preoccupied.

Alec rose to his feet, forgetting entirely about the story his brother had been in the middle of telling. The sight of his mother brought him back to reality. All of a sudden, he remembered what they were doing today. He remembered that Valentine was coming to interrogate him. He remembered what they’d done and everything that could go wrong today alone. Suddenly, the Alec that had been sitting with his siblings a moment ago, listening to his brother talk about Idris and the trouble he’d gotten, seemed so far away.

Alec nodded once, his back straightening into a soldier’s posture, one learned after years of getting snapped at for slumping.

“Are you going to come back after?” Max asked, frowning from Izzy’s bed.

Alec turned back and nodded, forcing a smile to come onto his face. “Of course,” he said, though he wasn’t quite sure that was true. There were a lot of reasons Alec might not come back but none he could tell his brother and none he could voice in front of his mother.

Max smiled and Alec turned to follow his mother out the door, into the hallway, listening to the sound of her heels hitting the cold tile beneath them as they walked in silence.

Alec had met Valentine many times before. He saw the man almost daily when he was younger and his family had still lived in Idris, though Alec barely remembered it. His parents had been put in charge of New York when Alec was six and after that, he’d only seen Valentine when they visited Alicante and more often than not, his parents would go alone anyway, meeting their friends while Alec stayed at home with his siblings.

He’d been around Valentine a few times over the past couple of years but mostly for meetings, which Alec attended and watched, silently. He hadn’t _spoken_ to Valentine since he was a boy and he’d never spoken to him like this, in a room with Alec being far more than a child for Valentine to look down on.

Shadowhunters ignored their children, until they got old enough to matter. Alec had never been a person to Valentine, someone for him to analyze, someone that might be a threat. Alec was now and he was more than a little aware of that as he followed his mother in the conference room, where their leader himself was already sat.

Alec remembered Valentine as being so scary when he was a child. He remembered a big man with cold hands and a gaze that made Alec want to run to the other side of the room. The person that met Alec in that conference room was every ounce as powerful as Alec remembered but there was something else in Valentine that Alec hadn’t seen when he was a child, something past everything that made him intimidating and terrifying, something that Alec realized now. Valentine was just a man. He was a scary man, one that could choose to put Alec to death if he so pleased but he was a man nonetheless. Men were fallible. Men could be tricked. Men could be lied to.

Alec took his place next to his mother, after the awkward greetings were over with. The table was still for a long moment before Alec straightened his back and began to speak. “Do we have the logs from the night of the incident?” Alec asked, his eyes glancing up to the scribe who’d come to observe and organize paperwork, some lower level shadowhunter that Alec didn’t know by name.

Normally, jobs like that were left to the downworlders they enslaved but clearly, this meeting was too confidential have any of them here. It was worse to be a shadowhunter, taking the place of a downworlder, then it was to be a downworlder in the first place. At least, that’s what the shadowhunters said but Alec didn’t feel bad as the boy scrambled to look for what he’d asked for.

He couldn’t sympathize, not right now. He couldn't be nice. Alec just needed to keep breathing and stay focused.

For the first time in days, Alec was surprised to find his breath came to him easily. All the panic he’d felt for hours seemed to calm in his chest. He was fine. _They_ were fine. There was no reason at all for anyone to think anything had happened, other than the official story and even if Valentine had thought there might be more to it, Alec would make sure he didn’t think that before the meeting was over.

They were fine. Alec had this and when he repeated that to himself in his head, it wasn’t even a lie. He _did_ have this. He was Alexander Lightwood. He was the son of his war hero parents. He would be the Head of the New York Institute someday and he had also managed to get downworlders out, right under the Clave's nose, without anyone noticing a thing.

He could handle this without stumbling. He had to.

The meeting went by easier than Alec had ever expected it would. Valentine listened, asked questions occasionally, hissed angry words at the invisible downworlders he called scum but he seemed to buy Alec’s story without question. Alec didn’t have to insist on the events, like he’d thought he would. He didn’t even have to repeat it. They believed him without a second thought and even the cryptic words his mother had said earlier didn’t bother him.

He had no clue what she was referring to but it didn’t matter. She would always suspect Izzy of everything, just for the way she treated Simon and the opinions she refused to whisper. None of that was new and when the meeting ended quicker than Alec thought it could, Alec was pleased.

They were discussing new protocol, protocol that was not good news for the downworlders at the Institute, protocol that would make Alec’s life harder if he ever wanted to get anyone out again but that was okay. He could find a way around the protocol. The downworlders at the Institute could suffer a little more.

That was all fine, as long as they got through this and no one suspected what had really happened. Alec left the meeting with his head held high. Even as sleep deprived as he was, he hadn’t felt better in days. It seemed stupid how worried he’d been before. Sure, the situation was worrying but it was nothing he couldn’t handle.

It was a nice couple of minutes that he felt like that, until his mother asked him after Valentine had gone his own way and left them alone, if he knew anything else about the night Sebastian died, something that he’d failed to mention in the meeting. Alec paused at that, every thought in his head skidding to a halt.

Panic started to creep up his spine again. _Why was she asking that?_ Alec tried to push the feeling away. They were okay. She was just asking. That was _fine_ \- “No, I’d have said if I did.” Alec responded, none of the panic that he still felt showing in his tone. He’d gotten rather good at speaking while he was terrified and not showing it.

Maryse pressed her lips for a moment, like she was contemplating telling him something or not. She stopped walking, making Alec stop beside her. “Don’t repeat this,” she snapped, her eyes flickering around them to make sure there was no one to overhear them. There wasn’t and so, she continued. “A shadowhunter helped the warlock escape. That’s why Valentine came in person, rather than sending for Sebastian’s body.” Maryse stared at him after she spoke, clearly waiting for him to react.

Alec couldn’t even stop the look of horror from coming over his face. A white panic washed over him, drowning everything else out. For a moment, Alec couldn’t even hear his mother when she kept speaking but he needed to _listen_. He needed to hear every word she said so he could calm down and come up with a plan but he couldn’t listen when all he could hear was his own thoughts.

They knew someone had helped her. They knew and if they started to pull at any single thread, it would all unravel and it would all lead them right back to Alec. If they decided to put the sword in Aline’s hands (she’d brought the damn warlock to them, of course they’d question her) it would lead them to Alec. If they gave the sword to Izzy (and everyone would suspect her), it would lead to Alec. Even Magnus (he was _new_ , a war criminal, someone who had pissed off the Clave before Alec was even born. They might question Magnus just so they could force the sword into his hands and watch him tremble in pain. They might do it for _fun_ ), if they questioned Jace-

“Her collar was taken off. It could only have been taken off with a stele,” His mother was explaining, oblivious to Alec’s panic.

“But-” Alec trembled. He shook his head for a second, trying to calm himself down enough to speak, “The downworlders figured it out. The collars have been taken off before-” _I’ve taken them off before_ , Alec meant. He’d taken them off a handful of downworlders, not counting the ones who’d died during their first attempts. He’d gotten warlocks out at other Institutes, at his own, trying to do it discreetly so no one would suspect him but if they knew it was a shadowhunter the whole time-

Maryse shook her head, apparently taking Alec’s panic as the reasonable panic of a leader, finding out one of his people had turned on them under his watch, not the panic of a traitor, realizing he was caught. “The Clave has known how to take the collars off for years. The _only_ way to do it is with a stele. They’ve known someone is helping them get out for a while now but they didn’t want to announce anything until they had a good idea who it was. It was better to let everyone think the downworlders were doing it alone.”

“Do they know who’s doing it?” Alec asked, by some miracle managing to sound normal.

At that, Maryse paused. She suddenly looked uncertain. “Well, no but they have a good idea. They’re going to interrogate the parabatai and probably most of the Institute. Obviously, Aline as well.” Maryse stared at Alec for a brief second, at the mention of his friend's name. “You _would_ tell me, if you knew something. Right?”

Alec nodded instantly. He didn’t have it in him to act offended at Maryse’ hesitation but Maryse looked reassured anyway.

“I know you love your sister and you want to protect her but-” Maryse leaned in now, as if they were sharing a secret. “If anyone was going to tell anyone in this Institute anything, they would tell your sister. If Aline was involved, she might have told her. Just keep an ear out, Alec. You’re more approachable than me and Robert is still in Idris.”

Alec nodded again, feeling like it was the only thing he could do. “Right.” After a moment, Alec cleared his throat softly. “I ah- I haven’t heard anything but I’ll try to check it out.”

“Good,” Maryse nodded, straightening up once again. “Well, you can have the rest of the day off. This… situation aside, you handled that very adequately.”

Any other time, Alec would have been astounded at the compliment of being ‘adequate’ coming out of his mother's mouth but right now, it didn’t phase him at all. He nodded again, turning away before he remembered he should respond and forced himself to choke out a soft, “Thank you.”

He left too fast but he hoped his mother hadn’t been watching still. Alec couldn’t even think, let alone try to slow down. He was at his bedroom door before he knew it, slamming it behind him and rushing past Magnus’ surprised form as he raced into the bathroom.

He was shaking now, starting to gasp for air like he did sometimes when he got too stressed out and everything started to spiral. He should go back into his room and grab a piece of paper but he couldn’t make himself move. He didn’t want Magnus to see him. He didn’t want to have to look at Magnus’ face right now, to see what he’d done to him.

Alec grabbed a piece of toilet paper and he scrawled a couple of sentences on it with the pen he’d still been holding from the meeting. ‘ _Even if I write again, don’t come. It’s not safe anymore,_ ’ Alec didn’t sign his name but he knew Shade would know who it was from. Alec pulled the stele from his back pocket, letting the paper catch on fire as it trembled in his shaking hands.

Even when it was finally burnt to nothing, Alec still stood there frozen.

There was no coming back from this. Alec knew there wasn’t. They’d question Jace and Aline, probably Izzy and Magnus too. It didn’t matter which one they started with, the moment they started with the interrogations, the mortal sword forcing out all truth, they’d find Alec. They’d find out that it had _always_ been Alec.

It was all over with. There was no plan to get him out of this. There was no one to take the blame this time. There was no cover up. It was just over. Alec had failed and now, they were done.

Alec had no clue how long he stayed in the bathroom, sunk down to the floor, his mind a mess of white noise but Magnus didn’t approach the door once and Alec found himself thankful for it. He couldn’t talk to his soulmate. He couldn’t look at his face and in a way, he didn’t have to. It would all be over soon.

Before Alec knew it, he’d find himself dressed in red, standing before his peers, watching them bring the flame closer that would light him on fire and end it all. Even in his last moments, Alec knew he’d scream, giving Valentine and anyone else watching the satisfaction of hearing him in agony.

Some people held out but most screamed. That was the point. That’s why they burned the traitors alive, to send a clear message to anyone else who might think of it not to try.

That’s what Alec would be soon, a message to anyone else like him who wanted to help to not even attempt it. Alec wondered how many people his execution would stop from doing the right thing. There weren’t many of them willing to do it to begin with.

Alec wondered if he’d have to watch his sister burn first before they did it to him. He pretended he didn’t know the answer to that question but he did. Of course, they’d make Alec watch.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus finally start to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned at the end for an important announcement.

Magnus had made his mind up the moment Alec stormed inside and locked himself in the bathroom, that he would not be getting involved in whatever it was that it seemed had made Alec so upset. He wondered, of course. He wanted to know what happened but Alec had made it clear he did not want Magnus involved in his problems.

Magnus didn’t think Alec would hit him when they were alone but apparently, Magnus didn’t know his soulmate as well as he’d thought he did so briefly. Magnus wasn’t willing to risk it. From now on, Magnus was going to concern himself with his soulmate as little as possible.

There were a few facts about Magnus' life now that he seemed to keep forgetting. He was here against his will. He was here to serve his soulmate. They were not equals and Alec did not want companionship from Magnus. Magnus was just there, when Alec needed something and apparently, to be ignored and neglected when Alec didn’t.

Whatever it was that Alec was upset about, he could handle himself. He had to. If he’d wanted Magnus to knock on the door and try to impose some wisdom or comfort, perhaps he should have taken the rune off Magnus’ cheek before he ran into the bathroom but he hadn’t. If Magnus couldn’t take a sip of water with it on, he certainly wasn’t going to worry about Alec.

That had been his plan anyway. Then, Magnus had smelled something in the air. It was the same smell that accompanied the fire message he’d found on Alec’s desk. It was the same smell Magnus was used to smelling every time he sent a fire message himself- though he hadn't done that in a while. It smelled like burning paper with that sharp twinge of magic that made Magnus' nose scrunch up. 

It took a second for Magnus to realize what that meant and as he did, he slowly sat up. Alec had sent a fire message to someone and if Magnus had to guess, he’d be willing to bet money Alec had sent it to the same warlock who'd contacted him about the child. Who else would he be sending it to and more importantly, why had he sent it at all?

Magnus knew that Valentine was coming to the Institute today. Alec’s mother was here. Magnus imagined none of them were too excited about their prized shadowhunter being slaughtered. Slowly, Magnus’ eyebrows pulled together. He _was_ going to stay out of it. Alec did not deserve Magnus’ comfort or his help, not like Magnus was much help to anyone anymore anyway but that was besides the point. Alec deserved to handle this himself, whatever it was.

But Alec had helped a warlock escape. With a clear head, Magnus was almost certain of it. That note could have meant nothing else. Now, Valentine was here. Maryse Lightwood had come home and Alec was upset. Magnus rose to his feet before he really decided to do so. Alec did not deserve his comfort but Magnus was in this Institute, enslaved, against his will.

If what Alec was upset about had to do with the downworld, Magnus owed it to everyone he’d left outside to try and find out what it was, didn’t he? What if Magnus could do something about it? Magnus couldn’t even contact anyone. He couldn’t send a fire message without his magic. He didn’t have a stele like shadowhunters to do it but Magnus didn’t really know if he could do something, if he didn’t even bother to find out what was going on in the first place. Even as useless as Magnus was, he might be able to do _something_.

Magnus approached the bathroom door slowly. As he got closer, he realized that he could hear Alec on the inside. Alec wasn’t just upset. It sounded like he was having a panic attack. He was gasping for air, sounding like he was half crying and half struggling to breath enough to do so. Magnus frowned, a sinking feeling welling in his chest.

Magnus hadn’t known Alec for that long but he knew that Alec didn’t seem like someone to cry like this about nothing. This couldn't be good and if it wasn’t good for Alec, the son of Maryse and Robert Lightwood, it probably wasn’t good for anyone.

Gently, Magnus knocked on the door before he could convince himself not to. At the sound, Alec fell silent, something that Magnus thought was impressive considering how hard Alec had been crying just a moment before.

When Alec didn’t say anything, Magnus slowly turned the door handle and pushed it open. He straightened his back as he did, readying himself to get yelled at but it wasn’t like Magnus could call out to him and ask if he was okay before he walked in.

On the other side of the door, Alec was sitting on the ground, his eyes red and puffy, trembling all over, tears still streaming down his face as his chest hiccuped with uneven breath. They made eye contact and for a long moment, they just stared at each other before Alec choked on a sob, the noises he’d forced down when Magnus knocked breaking to the surface again.

Magnus hesitated for just a second. He remembered too vividly what had happened the last time he touched Alec but his feet carried him forward anyway. He’d knocked on the door, thinking only of getting information but the sight of his soulmate crying so hard drowned any other rational thoughts out.

Alec did not deserve his comfort but Magnus moved forward regardless and when he crouched and reached out, hesitating again for just another moment, he found that Alec’s skin was soft against his touch.

His magic bristled happily, jolting under the surface at the feeling of his soulmate. They’d touched each other so few times. Twice, it had been when Alec had hit him. Once, when he’d carved the rune on Magnus’ cheek. They’d touched what, once or twice otherwise? Until now.

The feeling of his magic comforted him for a moment until the pleasant feeling bled into pain. His magic wasn’t made to be trapped in his body and it curled angrily, pushing against his skin as it tried to find a way to release itself. It burned, even his magic hurting him in this horrible place. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d used his magic. When they’d captured him and he’d tried to make a portal probably. Before that? Magnus wasn’t even sure.

If he’d have known it would be the last time he’d ever use his magic, he’d have savored it but he hadn’t known and now, it was too late to savor anything. The only thing his magic would ever do again is hurt him.

The moment Magnus touched him, Alec shivered slightly, curling in on his arms a little more. Magnus wasn’t sure what their bond felt like to Alec. He didn’t have magic to react, like Magnus did but clearly, Alec had felt something. This time, Alec’s didn’t move to hit him and when the tears seemed to pour down Alec’s face even harder, Magnus moved closer.

He sat next to Alec, hesitantly wrapping his arms around his soulmate and pulling him closer when he felt how strongly Alec was shaking. Magnus wished he could talk. He wasn’t even sure what he’d say but he couldn’t say anything, so he sat still instead and held Alec tight against his chest, letting Alec’s tears drip down his chest.

Jace met Clary in the lobby, the moment he heard she’d arrived. He hadn’t talked to her since he’d arrived in New York and he was excited to see her. He was excited to explain to her everything that had been going on but he was excited just to see her too.

Despite everything, Clary was one of Jace’s best friends. She was a lover sometimes, a friend most often and always the person Jace was happiest to see. He’d missed her and with Sebastian gone, it was nice to have her around again. Clary being there meant that Jace didn’t have to do any of this alone.

Jace pulled her into a tight hug, letting himself breath in the smell of her shampoo. It was strawberry scented and it was her favorite. Jace had used it more than once, always insisting there was nothing else to use even if there was. They both knew he just liked the smell of strawberries but Clary had never called him out on it. She was nice like that.

When they pulled away, Jace grabbed her hand, tugging her towards his temporary room. His excitement to see her aside, they had a lot to catch up on but they both stayed silent as they walked, knowing the halls of the Institute were not safe enough to talk in. Jace was sure Clary had guessed what had happened with Sebastian but she didn’t know why it had happened. She didn’t know what Jace had discovered about Alec. She didn’t know about the warlock girl.

They ducked into Jace’s room and almost as quickly as they’d started to whisper, there was a knock on Jace’s door. When Jace opened it, he found some shadowhunter on the other side, looking nervous as he asked if they wanted to come assist them on a mission. “No one else is available. Everyone is in meetings or gone to Idris or busy-”

Jace had turned back to Clary, frowning. After a moment, they both nodded. They were shadowhunters and they weren’t doing anything, so they couldn’t really say no, especially when everyone else was so busy. “Yeah, give us a minute to get ready,” Jace said finally, before closing the door in the relieved shadowhunters face.

They wouldn’t have time to talk on a mission but… it had been a while since they’d hunted anything together. It might be a little fun at the very least and they’d always have time to talk later.

They both changed into their gear and headed out, accepting polished weapons from a warlock who did not meet their eyes. Before they left, Clary turned back to him and frowning she asked, “He’s actually dead, right? It wasn’t a lie?”

Her eyes had flickered to where she knew Jace’s parabatai rune was and Jace had moved to pull his shirt up and show her the faded mark. “He’s dead,” He promised but Clary still didn’t look convinced.

She bit at her lip for a second, frowning, “It’s just hard to believe he’s not going to come back.” To anyone listening, Clary's words might have sounded like the mournful words of a sister struggling to deal with the death of her brother but Jace knew what she really meant.

_It's just hard to believe he's not going to come back and get revenge._

Jace huffed out a soft laugh but it wasn’t exactly funny. When he explained to Clary everything that had happened, she’d know just how horrible that thought was but Sebastian wasn’t coming back from the dead. He was human and humans died, just like everyone else- especially when someone they trusted shoved a blade through them.

Jace shook his head in response. “Well, that’s not going to happen.” They both fell silent for a moment before Jace cracked a soft smile, “Come on. Let’s go kill some demons and when we get back, I’ll catch you up.”

Clary nodded and together, they headed towards the lobby to see exactly what kind of demons they’d be fighting today.

It was a long time before Alec’s sobs calmed enough for him to start to breath steady against Magnus’ chest but even when his crying stifled, Magnus’ fingers didn’t stop their motion against the back of Alec’s head, gently scraping his fingers through Alec’s hair.

If Magnus had been able to speak, perhaps he’d have tried now but he couldn’t, so he did the only thing he could and stayed silent. It could have been over an hour that they’d sat there, against the cold bathroom floor but Magnus had no way of telling. He only knew that his legs were numb and that his arms were tired from holding Alec but still, he didn’t let go.

Magnus wasn’t sure what force it was that made him hold onto his soulmate so tightly. He wouldn’t exactly consider the two of them close but maybe that’s why Magnus held on. Maybe, he was trying to cling to this moment of having his soulmate so close to him, even if Alec was crying and Magnus was uncomfortable and thirsty after not being able to drink anything all day.

It might be the best moment Magnus would ever get with Alec. He couldn’t treat it so flippantly, even if Alec didn’t deserve his kindness.

Eventually, Alec lifted his head and his watery eyes slowly met Magnus’. For a moment, he looked like a newborn, realizing where he was for the first time. He blinked and then scrambled to sit up, a few stray tears still streaming down his face as he fumbled for something behind him.

He pulled out his stele and reached for Magnus’ face before Magnus could even register what he was doing. It should have been obvious but Magnus, not expecting it, flinched away, his face twitching in pain from the sudden motion.

Alec froze, wide eyed, his hand still hovering mid air with the thin weapon clasped in his hand. “Oh,” he murmured, for a moment sounding heartbroken, though maybe that was just because he’d been crying until just now. “I was going to take the… rune off your face.” Slowly, Alec lowered the weapon, like he thought somehow Magnus wanted it to stay on.

Magnus didn’t. He reached forward, grabbing Alec’s hand and pulling it closer to his face before his soulmate could change his mind and leave it on him. It hadn’t even been on that long, not compared to others who Magnus knew had been forced to keep it on for days but the rune burned against his skin and his jaw was aching from being clenched for so long. The bruising on his face didn't help.

Alec moved slower now, inching towards Magnus’ face like he didn’t want to scare him, despite Magnus clearly indicating that it was okay.

Magnus watched Alec critically as he gingerly touched the side of Magnus’ bruised face, deactivating the rune in one smooth motion. This again, confused Magnus. His soulmate was gentle now, more gentle than Magnus even imagined he could be. He touched Magnus like he was porcelain and he was terrified he’d shatter under his fingers but Magnus was pretty sure it was a little too late for that.

Magnus felt it the moment his jaw unclicked for the first time in hours. The pain shot through his face like he’d broken his jaw before his tense muscles eased. Magnus raised a hand to his jaw, slowly opening and closing it a couple of times before he lowered his hand again.

When Magnus looked back up, Alec was looking away again, his puffy face suddenly blank. They were no longer touching. There was some distance between them that hadn’t been there before and Magnus found himself disappointed and relieved that the moment they’d shared had passed. He missed having his soulmate so close and yet, he was thankful he'd moved away. 

“I forgot about that,” Alec whispered, his gaze locked down to his limp hands. “I didn’t mean to leave it on all day.”

Magnus waited for Alec to continue, perhaps to explain what had led to him putting it on at all or even what led to them sitting on the floor with Alec crying but when it became obvious that Alec wasn’t planning on continuing, Magnus spoke, “You wouldn’t have had to take it off, if you hadn’t put it on at all.” Magnus’ words were soft and his voice cracked from in use but Alec flinched like he'd snapped at him. Maybe, Magnus should have snapped at him but he didn’t have the energy in him right now.

“Right,” Alec whispered softly. Magnus would have hoped for a more extensive reaction but it didn’t really seem like either of them were in a very talkative mood. Alec had just cried his heart out and now, he seemed rather emotionless. Magnus, well Magnus had felt a bit numb since he’d gotten here and the air around them felt stagnant and somber, in a way Magnus wasn't quite sure he understood.

They both fell silent for a long moment before Magnus found himself speaking again, “Are you going to tell me what happened today?” Magnus said it and meant it as a question, not a prompt. He wanted to know but he also wasn’t sure if Alec would tell him. Half of him expected Alec to wipe his face and rise to his feet, telling Magnus it wasn’t his place to ask.

Instead, Alec answered him with a statement, “You saw a fire message on my desk.” He didn’t say it as a question. He knew the answer already but Magnus felt the need to answer him anyway.

“I did.”

It was Alec’s next question that caught Magnus off guard, “Did you tell Sebastian about it?”

Magnus knew who Sebastian was but he didn’t really understand why Alec would think he’d told Sebastian anything or… what Sebastian had to do with anything that was going on. He’d died, killed by the child Alec had helped escape but… well, that story seemed a little convenient now that Magnus knew it was Alec who'd helped her.

“I didn’t tell anyone,” Magnus said honestly, not bothering to ask why Alec had thought so in the first place.

Alec nodded in response, not even looking over to him.

Silence fell over them once again. They’d probably have sat there for hours, not speaking, neither of them moving if Magnus had let them. Instead, he countered Alec with his own statement, “You got that warlock out,” he said simply.

This time, Alec didn’t nod but he didn’t have to.

Finally, Magnus spoke again, “Are you going to tell me what happened?” Magnus asked, repeating the question Alec had ignored earlier. If Alec said no, Magnus would drop it. He wouldn’t have much of a choice but Alec didn’t say no. For a moment, he didn’t respond at all and then, he sighed.

“I killed us,” Alec said eventually and before Magnus knew it, Alec was moving and pushing himself off the cold tile floor. Standing, he held a hand out for Magnus to take.

Magnus wanted to ask. He wanted to insist that Alec explain what he meant but the look in Alec’s eyes and the way his voice had quivered when he spoke made Magnus hesitate, just for a moment. Maybe, he didn’t want to know what had happened at all. Besides, he didn’t need to know what happened to know that wasn’t good for anyone.

Magnus took Alec’s hand and he let his soulmate pull him to his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a filler chapter, especially compared to how tense the last one was but Magnus and Alec are finally starting to talk! Don't worry, I'll compensate with some tense chapters coming up soon.
> 
> You also may have noticed that I created a series for this fic. As we're gearing up to come to a conclusion, I'm realizing that the ending is probably going to be open for another fic to come after. Hence, the series! Feel free to subscribe. The title is very much subject to change, so don't be surprised if you look and it's different (also... uh... feel free to suggest names for the series because I absolutely hate naming things and I don't know if this one is doing it for me but I wanted to give everyone time to subscribe before this fic is over).
> 
> That's it. Thank you for reading and thank you for all the comments on the last two chapters. It's so fun reading what you guys think.


	10. Chapter 10

Alec pulled Magnus to his feet, letting himself soak in the feeling of his soulmate’s hand in his before he finally let go. For a moment, still standing alone in the bathroom with Magnus, Alec wondered what would happen if he turned back to his soulmate and took his hand again. He wondered what would happen if he murmured an apology and pressed wet tearful kisses into Magnus’ skin. He wondered what would happen if he led Magnus to the bed, pressed him into the covers and laid kisses across Magnus’ face, where he’d hurt him, across the bruise and the rune that was still shimmering on his cheek.

He wondered if Magnus would let him touch him like that. If Magnus would close his eyes and let Alec chase away the pain he’d caused, let him kiss around his neck, around the collar that Alec could not take off him. He wondered if Magnus would kiss him back, if he’d even want to.

He wondered if there was any universe where he was able to be with his soulmate like that or if they were cursed in every single one to live like this, always so far from each other, always kept apart, with Alec always being the bad guy in the story even though he wanted nothing more than to just love his soulmate and be loved in return.

They were all going to die anyway. It didn’t matter anymore. Maybe, Alec should let himself have this. Maybe, he should be selfish for once in his life and he should turn back to Magnus and try to mend as much of this as he could in a single night and maybe, he should let the feeling of Magnus drown everything else out, until they came for them and dragged them apart for good but Alec couldn’t do that.

Here, in this universe, Alec couldn’t be with his soulmate, even if it might be his last chance to ever do so, even if it might be his last chance to fix any of this. This Alec was not selfish. This Alec had never done anything just for himself in his life and he couldn’t start now, when so much was on the line. Even if it didn’t change anything, even if Alec knew they _couldn’t_ change anything that was coming, Alec still needed to do what he could. He needed to warn Jace and Aline. He needed to talk to Izzy. At the very least, they deserved to know what was coming.

He had to do something, _anything_ and he couldn’t do that if he stayed in his room, with Magnus. He couldn’t do that if he picked his soulmate over everything else that was breaking around them. Alec finally took a deep breath, murmured a soft goodbye to Magnus without turning back to look at him and then he opened the door to his room and made himself walk out into the world outside.

He’d been hoping to find Jace before he was pulled into a meeting but apparently, Alec had been too late. Alec had wasted time in his room, crying into Magnus’ arms and by the time he found his way to Jace’s room to speak to him, it was empty. Alec could have walked around and asked for him but he didn’t have to. He knew Jace was sitting in the room where Alec had sat, retelling the story that would screw them later, when the real interrogations finally started.

These of course, were not the real interrogations. This was the Clave’s chance to take everyone’s story while they were all still relaxed. They were hoping someone would slip up. They were hoping someone would lie. They were hoping someone like Alec, Jace and Aline would be caught red handed when the sword forced the truth out of them. They were hoping they’d catch not only the people who’d been involved but also those who knew and were willing to lie about it under oath.

Part of Alec knew all of this was useless. Warning Jace. Warning everyone else. There was no point. There was nothing they could do. Even if he had warned Jace before the meeting, nothing would have changed. Jace still would have had to walk it there and insist on a story that would soon be proven inaccurate. There were no plays left for them. There was no grand scheme to get them out of this and maybe, it would be kinder if Alec didn’t tell them. Maybe, it would be kinder to let them think everything would be okay for a little while longer. Alec certainly wished he had that luxury but he wouldn’t hide the truth.

They deserved to know, even if it was hard. They deserved to know what was coming before it happened and they were blindsided by it but Alec made no excuse to himself. Telling them was out of consideration and even if he secretly hoped that the moment he told them, someone would come up with some grand plan he hadn’t thought of to save the day, he didn’t delude himself with promises of a happy ending. There would be none and to hope for something to change was a fairytale that Alec was not willing to entertain.

He’d always been realistic. He’d always been grounded but sometimes, Alec was realistic to a fault. Sometimes, he got something in his head and he was so sure of it that he couldn’t imagine any other scenario. Like he had done with Magnus and thinking he’d betrayed him. Like he’d done every time he’d been _convinced_ someone had seen him be kind, that someone had seen him step out of line or smile at a downworlder- every time, Alec had been sure they would report him and that soon, he’d be marched to Idris to be burned.

Except, this wasn’t one of those times. Alec tried to think like Izzy. He tried to be optimistic. He tried to think of a way out and there just wasn’t one. No matter how good their story was, even if they managed to explain away the shadowhunter who had helped the warlocks escape, they were going to be taken to Idris and questioned anyway and there was no way of lying around the blade of a sword that forced your words out of your head.

Alec stood outside of Jace’s doorway, knowing he should be moving, knowing he should go back to his room or to find Izzy or to pretend like he was keeping busy but he didn’t move. He couldn’t force himself to. In his head, he kept imagining someone rounding the corner and seeing him leaning against Jace’s door. He imagined them asking why he was there, why he was waiting for Jace and Alec tried to think of the excuse he’d stammer out and he came up blank.

That alone was a sign that Alec should get moving but he didn’t. He just stood there and when Jace finally came around the corner and into Alec’s sight, Alec was so astonished that he’d showed up at all, even though he’d been waiting for that exact thing to happen.

For a moment, neither of them spoke. They just stared at each other and Alec reveled in it, in the knowledge that for just another second, he was the only one who knew they were doomed. When he said it, it would be real. He’d said it to Magnus but not really. Magnus didn’t completely understand how royally Alec had fucked up. For all Magnus knew, Alec might be being dramatic but when Alec told Jace, Jace would understand and maybe, it was worse to tell another person and realize this all was real than it was to stay quiet and keep it to himself.

But Alec knew he had to tell him. It was only fair and ignoring it wouldn’t make it go away anyway but that didn’t mean Alec knew how to say it. It was a few long moments before the words came tumbling out of Alec’s lips, simple and accurate. “They know,” was all he said and Alec knew he didn’t have to be more specific than that.

Jace’s eyes went wide and Alec knew he understood what Alec was saying. Alec watched as the realization dawned on Jace and it was a moment he wished he’d never had to partake in. Alec had always thought he’d go down alone, if he did. He’d always _wanted_ to go down alone. That would be okay. He’d be a martyr if he had to but _this_ was never part of the plan. This was what Alec had always been terrified of all those times he’d snapped at Izzy and hid what he was doing from her, all those times he’d tried so hard to keep everyone away. He was meant to be alone when it ended and now, he wouldn't be. Alec wished it was a comfort.

“What do you mean?” Jace asked lowly, his eyes shocked and disbelieving. “I just spoke to them. They didn’t seem to think anything except what we said.” There was something desperate in the way Jace spoke, something that made Alec want to turn away from him.

Slowly, Alec shook his head. “They know,” he repeated, his voice barely above a murmur. He spoke as if he could soften the blow with how quietly he said it but he knew it wouldn’t help. “They know a shadowhunter helped them. They’re going to question everyone and then drag us all back to Idris to stand trial with the sword. My mother told me this morning.”

Jace stared for a moment and then, he was stammering, “But maybe if they think it’s none of us they won’t take us.”

Alec knew that they both knew that wasn’t the case. Jace was Sebastian’s parabatai. Aline had taken the warlock here. Isabelle had made her opinions very clear for years. Magnus was Alec’s soulmate and he was new here, someone the Clave knew would rebel if he could and Alec? Well, Alec was the acting head when it all went down. Maybe, they’d take him to stand trial, thinking they’d just clear him right away. Maybe, they wouldn’t take him until someone else was inevitably forced to speak his name but either way, eventually, Alec would be there.

“They know a shadowhunter helped them get out. They’re going to question everyone,” Alec said simply.

Jace’s mouth parted slightly, like he wanted to say something but couldn't make the words come out. He looked like he was scrambling in his head to come up with a way to fix this, some loophole Alec hadn’t thought of but when he turned up blank, Alec wasn’t surprised.

There was no getting out of this.

They both stood in silence for a long time and Alec felt his heart sink a little lower in his chest. Even knowing that there was nothing they could do, part of Alec had still hoped. He’d hoped that it was him who was failing to think of something. He’d hoped that the moment he told Jace, Jace would spit out some brilliant plan that would leave Alec blindsided. He’d hoped that Jace would come up with some obvious way to fix this.

Alec should have learned better by now not to get his hopes up. When he was a kid, he’d hoped for a soulmate that he could love. When he got old enough to understand what his soulmate being a downworlder meant, he’d hoped he would never meet his soulmate and now, he’d hoped he was wrong just for that hope to be destroyed too.

Alec didn’t even notice that someone else had walked up on them, until he turned and found Clary standing there, staring at them both with wide eyes. Alec didn’t know how much she’d heard or what Jace had told her but she’d clearly heard enough to understand that it wasn’t good news.

Her eyes darted between them, intense and worried before they finally settled on Jace. They shared a moment staring at each other, one that Alec pointedly did not partaken in, before Clary finally spoke, “I was just coming to see if you were done…” She said, her eyes flickering hesitantly to Jace again.

Alec stared at the wall instead of either of them. He didn’t want to look at her. Alec was pretty sure she was Jace’s soulmate. Jace had probably told her everything and if they questioned Clary, she would just be another person whose blood was on Alec’s hands.

“I should go check on my brother,” Alec said finally before he was turning and walking down the hallway, away from them both. Alec _should_ go check on Max. He’d promised his brother he’d come back and hang out with him anyway but Alec didn’t think he could do that right now. He didn’t think he could go sit with his brother and act like everything was okay, even if this very well could be his last chance to do so.

Alec needed to talk to Izzy and Aline but for a second, like a coward, he imagined what would happen if he did not. He didn’t want to tell them. He didn’t want to do that again. Telling Jace had just cemented everything Alec had been terrified of and known was true. There was no getting out of this and how could Alec look forward to a conversation like that?

Alec forced himself to keep walking towards his sister’s bedroom. He didn’t know what else to do.

Clary hadn’t heard the full conversation she’d walked in on but she’d heard enough. She’d heard enough to know whatever Jace had gotten involved in, whatever he’d done, was not panning out well. She’d heard enough to understand that they were involved with the girl who’d escaped, which Clary had already assumed anyway. She’d heard enough to know that the Clave, her father, knew a shadowhunter had helped and she’d heard enough to understand that the moment they were tried on the sword, everything would come out.

Clary didn't know specifics. She didn’t know how her brother had gotten involved or what had led to his death. She didn’t know who killed him or why but she knew that Jace had gotten wrapped up in something bigger than all of them and she knew that they were probably very lucky that Jace hadn’t had time to fill her in on everything, like he’d wanted.

That’s when the plan had started to brew in Clary’s head. At first, it was just an idea, one she didn’t even know if she’d be able to pull off. Then, it turned from an idea into something more.

If the sword was forced into Clary’s hands, she really wouldn’t have any useful information to give the Clave. She could say she didn’t know the answer to most of their questions and it would be the truth. The sword didn’t care for suspicion. It only cared for fact and Clary didn’t have many of those.

Besides, that was just the back up plan. That was the reason Clary started to consider it initially. It was the reason she was the prime candidate to do what she was going to do but if all went well, they’d never question Clary to find out she’d lied. They’d never question her to know she’d taken the fall for something she didn’t do and they’d never know she was trying to cover up something she only knew a little about.

If it was anyone but Jace, Clary wouldn’t even consider it. She’d _need_ more details but Clary knew Jace better than anyone. Clary knew that if Jace had killed Sebastian or let him be killed, then this was a big deal. She knew that he thought this was bigger than them and he thought this was worth what he was risking, so Clary trusted him. She knew if he cared enough to endanger himself by getting involved, then it was worth Clary doing the same as well.

Of course, she didn’t say any of that to Jace. He would try to talk her out of it. He would be worried. He would probably, accidentally or not, tell her more than she needed to know and that would ruin this. No, Clary didn’t say anything to him.

They just stood there in the hallway, staring at each other for a few long moments before Jace hardened his jaw and nodded his head for them to disappear into the bedroom they were sharing. They both walked in wordlessly and Clary watched as he closed the door behind them, making sure it was locked before he took a deep breath and came to sit with her on the bed.

“At least, you’re not involved,” Jace murmured finally, almost sounding as if he was speaking to himself and not her at all. Clary wondered what he’d say if she told him right then. She wondered how he’d feel but Jace had his secrets and Clary had her own as well.

After a moment, Clary reached out and took his hand. Together, they sat in silence. Clary didn’t have a soulmate but if she did, she would have liked to have one like Jace. That’s why she’d been so willing to lie for him, when he’d helped his own faerie soulmate escape. It was an easy lie to tell and sometimes, Clary thought they both tricked themselves into thinking it was true- that they were soulmates.

If things didn’t go well and Clary did find herself standing, holding the mortal sword, she just hoped they’d ask nothing that would lead to Jace and that day. She didn’t know why they would ask anything other than pointed questions about what was happening here but still, Clary worried a little.

It was the only thing that made her hesitate. Other than that, Clary didn’t think she’d have any regrets.

Aline was questioned shortly after Jace. Isabelle following her. They were questioning some lower guards too, people who Alec knew didn’t actually know anything. They were questioning people who’d been on missions that night, those who’d been on patrol, those who’d been generally unaccounted for. They were probably making a list of everyone they suspected, everyone who they wanted to march right to Idris as soon as the word broke out about what was happening and that someone in their ranks had been betraying them.

Alec could imagine the list in his head now and really, they were pretty spot on. They’d bring Jace, Aline, most likely Isabelle just in case, probably Magnus, maybe even himself. They’d probably want Andrew to come just because he was their head of security and they might think he knew something more than he did. Alec was sure there would be a couple of other random people they’d want to check out too but overall, their list would be extensive and pretty on point.

Someone might come to him and ask to question Magnus now but Alec highly doubted they’d bother. Even if they suspected him of something, just for being new here and being known for a history of causing trouble, they wouldn’t bother to speak to him until they could force the sword into his hands and rip the words out of his throat. The word of a downworlder meant nothing to them, not if they weren’t certain he wasn’t lying.

Still, after Alec spoke to Izzy and Izzy insisted she’d speak to Aline, Alec had started to head back to his room to talk to Magnus. The conversation with Isabelle hadn’t gone any better than the conversation with Jace but Isabelle had been a bit more optimistic about it. She insisted they’d figure something out, that they just needed time to think but Alec wasn’t actually sure if she believed it or if she was just saying that.

Alec was pretty sure it was the latter because not soon after she’d said that, she’d murmured, “Maybe, we should run.” Which had been something that had occurred to Alec too. Alec could try to get Magnus out. If Isabelle wanted to go with Simon, they’d get Simon out and then they could go together. Jace and Aline, Alec wasn’t sure about but it was something to consider anyway. At the very least, it could be Alec’s last chance to do something for his soulmate. It could be the last chance he had to try to do something good for him, maybe to make up for a fraction of the pain he’d caused him.

Shade probably wouldn’t come, not after Alec had written to him specifically telling him not to. Shade wasn’t stupid. Alec knew he wouldn’t hear from him again but on the run would be better than dead. They’d have a chance of escaping at least. Maybe, they’d even find whatever safe place Shade and the other’s had found, though safe was always a relative word when it came to things like this.

No place was safe from the Clave but Alec knew they had somewhere they’d settled down, somewhere isolated enough for them to feel safe, somewhere far enough away from the Clave’s reach that they could use their magic and know the Clave’s sensors would not pick up on it. Alec had no clue where it was. He wasn’t told on purpose but Madzie was there now and maybe, if they ran they could find it, somehow.

But Alec knew he would not go with them, even if it would spare his life. Alec had started all of this because he wanted to help. He’d started all of this because he wanted to get downworlders out. Part of him, naively, had even thought they might change things but there was no changing the Clave.

No, Alec didn’t think his death would change anything either but how could he leave? How could he flee, like a coward? How could he run and leave all the downworlders he’d failed to live here under oppressive rules he’d personally made worse? How could he live with himself if he did that?

In the end, it didn’t even matter. Alec never made it to his room to talk to Magnus. He never got to ask if he wanted to run. He never got to tell him how bad this really was and that he hadn’t been dramatic earlier when he’d said he’d killed them. He hadn’t gotten to go back to him and say he was sorry and that he wished more than anything that things were different because on his way there, the alarms started going off.

Now, there were a lot of alarms in the Institute and Alec had memorized almost all of them. He knew what each pitch was signaling without even looking when this one started, sharp and loud in Alec’s ears, he felt his heart sink. It wasn’t the alarm of a demon attack or a downworlder escape or or any one of the other alarms that could mean something normal. This was the alarm of a meeting. This was the alarm that called when everyone was supposed to go to the lobby to await instructions.

It could be something innocent. Maybe, they just wanted to talk to everyone about demon activity and their jobs. Maybe, they wanted to use this opportunity to ask anyone who knew anything to come forward and maybe after, they’d send them all back to their rooms and their duties but Alec knew that wasn't the case.

When his mother had said they were doing an investigation, Alec had imagined they’d spend days here, that they’d question everyone in their own time and go through the folders and reports. He knew they were taking this seriously and working urgently but that was still a lot to do. He’d imagined they’d spend the week here at least.

He never imagined they’d call everyone into the lobby, announcing that their investigation was coming to a close. He didn’t think the day they’d started investigating that they’d tell everyone what was really happening, that someone around them, one of their peers, had betrayed them all. He didn’t imagine he’d walk into the lobby to see Valentine standing, with the portal to Idris already swirling behind him.

They didn’t have time to run. They didn’t have time for Isabelle to think of some fantastic imaginary plan. Alec didn’t have time to get Magnus out. He didn’t have time to make anything right or to tell him he was sorry or to ask if he’d ever be able to forgive him. He didn’t have time to tell Magnus how much he wished things were different and how much he had longed to love him the whole time he’d been here.

He should have done it before he’d left him last. He should have said _something_ to him, something more, anything more. He shouldn’t have had a breakdown and cried in his bathroom for god knows how long, wasting precious time that he could have used to get Magnus and his sister and anyone else they could outside of this building but he hadn’t.

He’d just thought they had more time. Everyone had but apparently, they didn’t even have that. Alec would have started crying, if he hadn’t frozen in the threshold of the lobby, staring forward with a dull sense of horror and panic, accompanied with the overwhelming feeling of being absolutely numb.

Of course, they didn’t have more time. Why would they?


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clary does something heroic.

Clary had never been scared of death. Her mother had died when she was young, following a failed rebellion against Valentine and the Clave at large. Valentine had always insisted that she died caught in the crossfire but as an adult, Clary wondered if that was true. She wondered if her mother had really just been in the wrong place at the wrong time or if she’d been there on purpose and been killed for her in subordination. She knew her father would never tell anyone if that was the case. Even if no one would openly go against him, it looked bad for his wife to have been so against him that she’d be willing to plot for his death.

That’s what the rebellion had wanted to do anyway. Kill Valentine, probably take over the Clave after that but their plans had been foiled before they’d even been a concern. The second Valentine caught wind of the whispers against him, anyone involved was dead. Some were granted actual trials and then put to death. Others, like her mother, just happened to die.

Clary would probably never know for sure but secretly, she liked to think that her mother had been planning against him. She liked to think that she and her mother had that in common and that they were both willing to give their lives for something greater than them. She liked to think that her mother had kissed her and her brother on the head before she’d left, hoping she’d change the world for them and not knowing she’d never come home again.

But maybe, that hadn’t been the case at all. Maybe, she’d really just died in a fight she had no place in. Maybe, if she was still alive, she’d be exactly like her father and Clary would have to reconcile the fact that both of her parents could be so horrible.

She preferred the first idea, anyway. Especially considering what she was about to do. It brought her some comfort. It made it a little more okay somehow, as if this whole thing had come full circle and now Clary was going to do what her mother had died trying to do- she was going to help. She was going to be a decoy and if that meant that the people who were really involved managed to get away and plan something else, _try_ anything else, it will have been worth it.

No, Clary had never been scared of death and when she walked into the lobby and saw her father standing there, she knew that it was her only shot to embrace it. She’d die someday anyway. She’d rather it be like this than it be years from now, on a mission to track some downworlders who were only trying to survive.

Clary wasn’t even sure if this was going to work. It was a little far fetched and if they still had the sword to interrogate her, they’d know she was lying fairly quickly but at the very least, she’d have bought them a few days. Clary wasn’t sure what they could do with that amount of time but it was something whereas now, they were completely out of time.

Yet, Clary hoped they wouldn’t have the sword to do anything. If they managed it, the Clave wouldn’t have the sword to interrogate her and in the end, they’d be forced to believe her. Besides, a lot could be done in a world where the mortal sword was not in the Clave’s hands. Clary imagined what they could get away with then, if they could lie about whatever they wanted.

Clary and Jace reached the lobby together. They stood back for a moment. Jace looked surprised, horrified even to find Valentine there but Clary was too far in her head to react like that. Besides, she knew her father. She knew he’d act quick, when his son was dead, when his people were helping their enemy.

Clary reached out and pulled Jace’s hand into her own. She leaned in so she could whisper in his ear, quiet enough that no one around them could hear her and all at once, she felt Jace stiffen beside her. “Steal the sword,” she murmured. “They can’t tell I’m lying if you steal the sword.”

Jace turned to her confused and bewildered but Clary was letting go of his hand before he could say anything to her, physically putting some distance between the two of them as her father, standing regal as ever, started speaking. He made eye contact with her in the crowd for a moment and Clary wondered if he saw something in her eyes that made him nervous because he looked away sharply and didn’t look back over to her again until she finally spoke.

Alec wished he could have felt fear. He knew he should be terrified. He should be quivering like a child but everything inside Alec had built up so much, until he’d exploded in his bathroom, in Magnus’ arms. Now, he felt like he had nothing left to offer. Even his fear had left him alone here to deal with this.

Alec tried to listen to the words Valentine was saying when he started speaking but none of them came as any surprise to him, so he found it hard to pay attention. Alec had heard it all before. There was someone who was helping the downworld among them. There was someone undermining their great government. There was someone betraying them all, leading a coup against the Clave and to those among the crowd who knew they’d been involved- They were all but caught.

It was very grand and theatrical, in a way that Alec had always associated with the Clave. Even though they were caught, they were also a message to everyone else. They were a message for everyone else to stay in line and Valentine would not let that message go to waste without using it.

Valentine kept speaking. Alec could hear him now, talking about his son, shouting the words really, “Sebastian died a hero, trying to stop those who would undo all of the hard work and sacrifices our people have endured these past few centuries-” But in Alec’s mind, he thought of Magnus.

He knew Magnus would have heard the alarm go off, calling everyone to the lobby, but would he have known what that sound meant? Did he just think it was a normal alarm or had he learned what the different sounds were by now? Was he wondering about Alec, wondering if he was okay? Was he wondering if he’d see him again?

Alec had the urge to turn around and go to him but he knew he couldn’t. He wouldn’t be allowed to leave but he imagined what would happen if he could anyway. He imagined opening the door to his bedroom. He imagined finding Magnus on the other side and he imagined pulling his soulmate into his arms. He imagined pressing his lips into Magnus’ and feeling the touch of another person for the first time.

He’d never even kissed anyone before. He’d never really wanted to. He’d never had time to think about it but now, Alec wondered if it would have felt nice, with Magnus. He wondered if Magnus would have laughed at how inexperienced he was and shown him where to put his hands, what to do with his tongue.

Alec was thinking about it to distract himself. He knew he was. He’d never been someone to daydream before. He’d always been so unavoidably stuck in the present but that had been when they’d had a chance to survive. That had been when they’d had a chance to make their own ending but now, they couldn’t and Alec found himself living in his head with Magnus- the only place he’d ever really be able to be with him.

That didn’t mean Alec was unaware of what was happening though. Above him, Valentine kept talking and Alec could hear every word, even if he tried to zone it out and think of something else. Valentine’s voice echoed through Alec’s head, disrupting even the pleasant things he tried to focus on.

Alec thought of his mother. Again, he wondered how she’d react when it all came out. She’d be so ashamed.

Valentine came to the end of his speech, or he seemed to because when Alec looked up, he’d fallen silent and simply stood to look around at the crowd. Alec wondered what he was seeing from where he stood. He wondered if he could see Jace. He wondered if Jace looked scared or worried. He wondered if he looked to Aline and saw anything in her eyes. He wondered how everyone else looked- if they were scared just by Valentine's words, if they looked sad about one of their own dying.

Alec couldn’t see anyone from where he stood but he could see Valentine and for a moment, looking out at them all, Valentine’s gaze met someone and it hardened for a second. Alec wondered who he’d seen but he supposed it didn’t really matter that much. It was just another thought he tried to distract himself with.

“Now,” Valentine started softly, speaking to them like children who’d just been reprimanded and were now in need of a kinder facade. “Some of you will be taken to Idris for questioning. Either way, the truth will come out. If _any_ of you have anything to share, I’d advise you do so today.”

His request hung heavy in the air. They all knew it wasn’t really a request. It was a threat.

“Those of you who are called will be questioned today. More of you will be questioned tomorrow and to be clear, this is compulsory. Refusal will be regarded as guilt.”

Valentine shifted and reached for a paper from one of the guards standing to his right. It was a list. Alec knew they’d have a list of course but he’d thought they’d at least bother to memorize it. Apparently, their great leader couldn’t put in that much effort.

“Aline Penhallow,” Valentine paused after he said it, letting everyone take in the name of the potential traitor among them. Even this, he would draw out and make a show of. “Jace Herondale,” he finally continued.

It was then that Alec heard a commotion among the crowd. Alec thought it might be Jace or Aline but when Alec turned to look he saw that Clary had yelled something out, making her father pause as she pushed her way through the crowd until she was only a few feet away from him.

For a still moment, Clary and her father simply stared at each other but even wordless, Valentine looked enraged. “What are you doing, Cassandra?” He snapped, the paper crumpling slightly in his clenched hands. “Go-”

Alec wasn’t even sure where he wanted Clary to go other than away but Clary clearly wasn’t planning on listening. “I did it,” She said instead, speaking loud enough that everyone in the room could hear her. “You don’t need to take any of them. I did it.”

For a moment, Alec thought everyone in the room stopped breathing. Alec knew that what Clary was saying was completely ridiculous. It didn’t even make sense that she’d have done it but she spoke so assured of herself that even Alec wanted to believe her.

Apparently, Valentine was not so easily swayed. “No, you didn’t. You weren’t even here. Go to your room-” Valentine moved and it looked like he was going to gesture for someone to grab her but Clary was speaking again before anyone could move.

“I did it,” she insisted, her hair whipping around as she met Valentine’s gaze with something equally as ferocious. “You know I can make portals the Clave can’t trace. You didn’t see me the night Sebastian died because _I did it_. It was me- I portaled here, I got the warlock out and I killed him when he followed me.”

Alec wanted to be impressed but his mind halted on what she’d said. _You know I can make portal the Clave can’t trace._ That was a crazy notion in of itself and yet, there was clearly some truth to it because the moment Clary said it, Valentine’s entire face changed. All of the anger left him and for a brief moment, he looked like he believed her and then, his face changed as quickly as it had the first time and all of the anger was back. “Shut up,” he hissed turning to finally gesture for someone to grab her but even the guards hesitated.

They didn’t look sure if they would get in more trouble for not grabbing her or for grabbing Valentine’s daughter and none of them seemed willing to be the first to move and test it. Clary kept speaking anyway and when someone finally reached forward and grabbed her arm, she yanked it away, speaking louder and louder as Valentine looked more desperate to make her stop talking.

Jace came up behind her, his eyes wide and panicked. He called her name but Clary seemed determined to ignore him completely or maybe she really didn’t hear him. Either way, he clearly wasn’t having any impact on what she was doing.

Alec himself didn’t even understand what she was doing. The moment they interrogated her, they’d see she was lying. All it was was a temporary diversion but… maybe, that was the point. A temporary diversion was better than nothing. If they took Clary to Idris and waited to make anyone else testify, it would buy them a little time at least but Alec didn’t understand why Clary would do that. She hadn’t been involved. There was no reason she had to incriminate herself.

Alec blinked and looked away from the scene in front of him, realizing for the first time that the room around him had erupted in chaos. Everyone who’d been scared to move a moment before was now watching Clary with an awe struck kind of horror, half murmuring to each other and half scared to look away for fear that they’d miss something. Valentine’s son had died and now, his daughter was claiming she’d killed him. It was certainly a captivating story.

Someone grabbed Alec’s arm and when he turned, he caught sight of his mother staring wide-eyed, almost looking excited. Alec didn’t really blame her. She’d been scared that Isabelle knew something and now, it was Valentine’s kid that was involved, not her own. That must be a very relieving feeling. Alec blinked at her moving mouth, realizing she was trying to speak to him too late. “What?” He asked, frowning.

She turned to him. “I _said_ , I’m not surprised,” she repeated, her voice a touch softer than it had been before, as if she realized that perhaps she shouldn’t broadcast what she was saying so loudly. “Her mother was always sympathetic toward them.”

Alec blinked dumbly for another few long moments before he was nodding. “Right,” He said, still struggling to follow. It was hard to focus on anything his mother was trying to say to him. He was still struggling to comprehend what was happening and what it meant now. He couldn’t focus on what his mother was saying too. “What if she’s lying?” Alec asked, finding the words falling out of his mouth before he could stop himself.

He shouldn’t have said it. He should have known enough to keep his mouth shut but it was an honest question. Alec knew she was lying. Clearly, no one else would believe this story. Clary hadn’t even been in the Institute but what had she said, she could make portals? Even if she could, no one would believe this would they? They all had to know she was lying. It was so obvious and yet-

Maryse frowned, turning to look to Alec with a confused expression on her face. “Why would she say something like that if it wasn’t true?” His mother asked. “She clearly felt too guilty to let anyone else get blamed, not like we wouldn’t have known the truth the second they were put on trial.” Maryse scoffed softly, turning to watch the scene that was still happening before them.

Valentine looked more enraged than Alec had ever seen him before and selfishly, he was happy that it wasn’t directed at him. He imagined having that kind of fury thrown at him and he knew as much as he wouldn’t want to be, that he would be scared. Clary herself didn’t even seem to flinch.

“She should have fled, if she knew what was good for her.” Maryse murmured, shaking her head.

Alec nodded in agreement but in his head, he was trying to think. What could their plan be now? How did this change things? If they weren’t taken to testify tonight, Alec could get Magnus out. That could be their plan before everyone inevitably realized that Clary had lied and it wasn’t her at all who’d done this. What Clary had done might have given them a chance to let everyone who wanted to run and that might be the only thing they could do with it.

Eventually, everything seemed to die down. Valentine, the guards and Clary disappeared through a portal to Idris before anyone could try to say anything to them. Valentine seemed desperate to get Clary anywhere that was away from all the people who were looking at her here.

In the moments right after they disappeared, everyone seemed too surprised by everything that happened to do anything but stand around and talk about it. Jace disappeared but Alec wasn’t sure if he’d gone through the portal or stayed. He hadn’t paid enough attention. Aline it seemed, had gone home the moment she could. Alec didn’t blame her.

If Valentine was smart, he’d have taken all of them anyway, just in case Clary was lying but it didn’t seem like anyone was able to think beyond the fact that Clary was claiming she'd killed her brother and plotted against her father. If all she’d wanted to do was distract her father, she’d done a good job.

Apparently, there was some truth to the portal thing as well. Maryse told Alec when he asked that Clary could make runes, like her mother could. That made her whole story a little more believable but still, the moment they actually questioned her, they’d all know she was lying.

Alec left his mother and found himself walking towards his bedroom without thinking about why. He should have gone to see if Jace was still here. He should have gone to find his sister but he found it hard to think of anything but Magnus.

He hadn’t expected he’d see him again. He hadn’t expected to have another chance to talk to him. He hadn’t expected to ever hear his voice again and yet, when Alec reached his door and pushed it open, Magnus was there.

Alec froze as he stared at him.

Magnus turned and opened his mouth to speak but he stopped himself when he caught the look on Alec’s face. He’d probably been about to ask what happened. He too, looked a little nervous. Alec wondered if he’d also expected to never see Alec again. He wondered if he’d heard the alarm and known exactly what was happening. They were soulmates after all. Maybe, he’d even felt Alec’s dread or maybe, Alec’s dread hadn’t completely been his own.

Alec took a step inside and closed the door behind him, only having the attention span the flip the mundane lock before he was walking forward and stilling at the foot of the bed, where Magnus sat. Alec was spitting the words out before he could even hesitate and rethink them. “I want to kiss you,” he said simply.

Magnus froze for a few moments looking stunned that _that_ was what Alec said before he was nodding, “Okay,” he said, breathlessly.

Alec opened his mouth, a flutter of nervousness crawling up his stomach as reality set in. He’d expected Magnus to say no. He hadn’t really considered he might say yes until he said it. “I’ve never done it before,” Alec warned.

Again, Magnus nodded. “Okay,” He said softly. “I’ll show you how,” Magnus offered, flicking a soft smile across his still bruised face.

Alec’s heart ached at the sight of it. He wanted to pull Magnus into his arms and hold him as close as he could. He wanted to kiss him, until the bruises on his face healed and everything was mended again but Alec couldn’t really do that.

Instead, Alec reached into his pocket and pulled out his stele. He started forward with it and when Magnus’ eyes widened, startled and scared, Alec paused again. “I just-” Alec fumbled for a moment, so nervous that he didn’t even know what he was trying to say. “I was just going to heal you. I didn’t before because I didn't want anyone to see but-”

Alec felt silent, his eyes almost pleading with Magnus to just let him do this. There was so little Alec could fix but he fix this, at least somewhat.

Magnus nodded again and Alec moved forward, finding himself crouched on the bed as he leaned forward and cupped the side of Magnus’ face, the touch so similar to what Alec had done before, when he’d carved an entirely different rune on Magnus’ cheek. Only this time, Magnus didn’t look scared of him. He didn’t look at Alec like he was a monster and for a second, Alec let himself not feel like one.

He traced the rune as gently as he could on Magnus’ face before he let go, watching as the bruise on Magnus’ face slowly went away and the swelling disappeared, as if it had never even been there at all. If it weren’t for the collar, Alec could almost pretend they were anywhere but where they were. He could almost pretend things were different and that they had a chance.

Magnus’ eyes flickered to the stele in Alec’s hands, murmuring a little nervously, “Get rid of that.”

Alec nodded and moved to shove it in the bedside drawer, close enough to grab if he needed it but entirely out of sight. When he found himself sitting on the bed again, he felt all of the nervousness flood back into him. He didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t even know why he asked to do this. He didn’t know how to kiss. He was going to be horribly bad at it, especially for someone like Magnus who’d lived for so long and probably kissed so many people.

Magnus must have seen the look on his face before he smiled softly, reaching a hand out to pull Alec closer to him. “Don’t overthink it,” Magnus murmured. “Just let it be nice,” he said, as if it was that easy.

Alec took in a soft breath before he was nodding. He wanted to tell Magnus that it wasn’t that easy. He wanted to tell him that it was so hard to let anything be nice here but it could be Alec’s only chance to do this with Magnus. After this, Magnus could be gone. He'd probably never see him again. It was their last chance. It was the end of the line.

Alec nodded again, more to himself this time. He was trying to calm himself down. It should be easy to let it be nice with Magnus. Even if he was horrible at it, Alec didn’t think there was a universe where this could be not nice, not when it was with Magnus. He couldn’t be _that_ horrible at it.

Magnus took his hand and pulled Alec closer until Alec found himself inches from Magnus’ face. Alec could feel his warm breath brushing softly across his cheek. This close, Alec could see every intricate detail in Magnus’ eyes. He could see the soft freckles across his face and the curve of his lips.

Alec had always thought Magnus was beautiful but he’d tried not to think about that for a long time. There was no use in letting himself get caught up in feelings for his soulmate, not when they were here but now, it might be Alec’s last shot to ever know what this kind of love felt like. He was so desperate for it that he could almost weep but Magnus was so close and he didn’t seem inclined to go anywhere anytime soon. Alec let himself look for a long moment, taking in every detail of Magnus that he could. He would probably never see him again. He’d never get another chance to look.

Even just being this close to him had Alec’s heart beating fast in his chest. He was so beautiful that it made Alec want to cry. He didn’t understand how someone could be as breathtaking as Magnus was.

Before Alec even knew what was happening, Magnus was pulling Alec a little closer and Alec found his lips pressing into Magnus’ own. A soft surprised gasp left his mouth at the feeling and instantly, Alec felt Magnus chuckling against him. Alec blushed instantly. He wanted to pull away and apologize but the feeling of Magnus’ lips chased away any thought of leaving. He didn’t think he’d be able to pull away from Magnus even if their lives depended on it. It just felt so good to be so close to him. 

Alec had been nervous that he wouldn't know what to do but it was so easy to forget about all of that when Magnus was touching him. Alec wasn’t sure how he knew what to do but he did and when Magnus moved against him, it felt like it was the easiest thing in the world to fall into that and follow him. It was so easy to know what to do when all he was trying to do was keep Magnus close and not let him leave.

Kissing your soulmate was supposed to be different from kissing anyone else. Alec had never kissed anyone else so he couldn’t really compare but he couldn’t imagine anything ever feeling better than this.

It felt like they were one. It felt like they were connected, like how Alec imagined a parabatai bond might feel. It felt like Magnus was part of him or that they were waves crashing in time together or whatever other sappy metaphor Alec could think of that wouldn’t quite capture the feeling.

Kissing Magnus felt like everything was going to be alright, even though Alec knew that was far from the truth. Kissing Magnus made it feel like nothing could separate them, even though Alec knew that very soon, they would be parted.

It was a dangerous feeling. It was one that gave Alec hope, even though he shouldn’t feel it. Maybe, that’s what it felt like to be in love. Maybe, that’s why people made such stupid decisions when they were in love. Kissing Magnus, Alec understood that feeling for the first time. He’d have done anything for Magnus in that moment. He’d have let the entire Institute burn to keep him safe.

They kissed for so long that when someone knocked on Alec’s door, sharp and loud, they both jumped away and froze, staring at each other as they gasped for air. Alec’s lungs were burning, he realized as he dragged in a desperate breath. He hadn’t even noticed and Magnus clearly hadn’t either, that or he’d simply not cared.

Someone knocked again and Alec finally blinked back to reality, moving to scrabble off of Magnus, off the bed and to the door. He opened it, his hair messed up, his breath still heaving in his chest and his lips, red from Magnus’ touch.

On the other side, Alec found Jace Herondale. Alec had the inexplicable urge to tell Jace to go away so he could go back to Magnus but he had just enough sense to stop himself. Jace’s eyes were red. He’d been crying and when Alec opened the door, he pushed his way in and stood until Alec closed the door behind him, leaving the three of them alone.

“We need to steal the sword,” Jace said without commenting on either of their appearances.

Alec sobered up in a second as he took in Jace’s words. “What?” he sputtered out, struggling to comprehend what Jace was implying. He _couldn’t_ mean the mortal sword. It would be impossible to steal it and yet-

Jace spun to look at him, his eyes wild. “We need to steal the sword,” He repeated again, emphasizing every word like Alec was a child struggling to comprehend him. Alec would have been offended if he wasn’t so bewildered. “The mortal sword,” he continued. “We need to steal it so they can’t interrogate anyone. How are we going to get it?” Jace demanded, glancing to Magnus and then back to Alec when neither of them spoke, “Well?” He snapped, clearly impatient.

Alec stared for a second before he slowly shook his head. His thoughts were still muddled, half of his mind yelling at him to go back to Magnus and kiss him again. “Jace, we can’t steal the sword,” he reasoned. “It’s guarded by the Silent Brothers, we couldn’t get in without them knowing.”

Jace nodded, his eyes flashing over to the bed, where Magnus sat looking just as confused as Alec was. “No, we couldn’t,” Jace admitted before he turned to look back to Alec again. “-but he could.” He said, raising a finger to point to Magnus.

Alec knew instantly what Jace was talking about. The Silent Brothers knew the moment someone walked into the City of Bones. They could feel their mind, read their intentions and know exactly why they were there, except… the collars stopped them. The collars were made to keep magic in but they also kept magic out. The Silent Brothers couldn’t tell if a downworlder went into the silent city and that was why downworlders were kept strictly away. Even if they were accompanying their owner, they weren’t allowed in under any circumstances.

“There’s a funeral for Sebastian in two days. We have to go. You can bring Magnus and we can find a way to sneak him in. The Silent Brother’s will be attending the wake anyway. There will be less of them to sneak by.” Jace stared, blinking, waiting for either one of them to snap into action and say something. “So, how are we going to get him there?” Jace demanded, hardly giving Alec a second to catch up to the horrible plan Jace was proposing.

They couldn’t steal the sword. The thought of it was laughable. It was one of the most well guarded things the shadowhunters had and yet, Jace had a point. They couldn’t sneak in but Magnus could. The question was if he’d be able to go all the way down there without anyone seeing him, take the sword and then get back out- all without alerting anyone of his presence.

Alec doubted it. He highly doubted it but then, from the bed, Magnus spoke, “I could walk there.” He said, still sounding out of breath from their activities before. “If we went a day early, I could walk that far but wouldn’t they know when I walked in, because of the collar?”

Magnus looked up to Alec and slowly, Alec shook his head no. The wards around the City of Bones were different. The strict harsh wards that they had everywhere else messed with the Silent Brothers runes, which were very similar to runes that kept the collar on Magnus’ neck and kept his magic in his body.

They would have no way to know if Magnus snuck in, that was, if he didn’t get caught but it wasn’t like they were the only ones that knew this. The City of Bones was very well guarded because of the flaws with their warding. They wouldn’t just leave the city unprotected from every downworlder who wanted to wander in.

“He’d never be able to sneak in,” Alec said finally, looking to Jace.

“He has to,” Jace said simply.

They all fell silent for a few long moments before Magnus spoke. “I can do it,” he said. Alec wanted to believe him but he didn’t think Magnus understood what he was getting himself into. There was _no way_ he could sneak in.

“You’d have to kill the guards and hope no one noticed,” Alec said finally and from the bed, Magnus nodded. He could tell that Magnus was more than okay with that but that didn’t make Alec feel any better. It was going to be nearly impossible for Magnus to go in and get out undetected but Magnus had apparently already moved on.

“What am I going to do with the sword after?” Magnus asked, leaving Alec even more worried that he didn’t understand exactly how hard it would be to even get to that point. Alec took a deep breath and tried to focus on the question but he had no fucking clue. What would they do with the most powerful sword in creation and where the hell would they put it, if Magnus somehow managed to get it?

Alec shook his head, struggling to comprehend how they were even considering this. “This is impossible,” he said finally, his rational brain catching up enough to understand that no, he wasn’t missing something, this was _impossible_ and so so stupid. “This is the worst plan. So much could go wrong.” Even just Magnus trying to sneak out to get to the city could go wrong in a million different ways.

“You have a better plan?” Jace asked and that terrified Alec even more because no, he didn’t. His better plan was getting Magnus out so he could run away and then letting himself and whoever else stayed die. “I didn’t think so,” Jace said finally.

Jace walked towards Alec’s bed and plopped himself at the foot of it. “Have you ever been to Idris, Magnus?” Jace asked.

Alec stood for a few long moments, struggling to understand that they were seriously considering this before he started forward, finding himself standing next to his soulmate. Alec wanted to say no. He wanted to say that Magnus couldn’t do this but Magnus clearly thought that he could.

He couldn’t just command him not to do this. If Magnus wanted to try, he couldn’t stop him, especially when they had no other plan but this plan was so far from obtainable. Alec felt crazy as he listened to both of them discuss it like it was no big deal. They didn’t seem to understand that the Silent Brother’s would see Magnus. He’d get caught and Alec didn’t even want to think about what would happen then.

“Alec, calm down. You look like you’re going to throw up.”

Magnus looked over to Alec as Jace spoke and then he reached out and gently pulled Alec’s hand into his own, giving it a soft squeeze before he was turning back to Jace again.

The feeling of Magnus’ hand in his own calmed him down somewhat but nowhere near enough. Either they were way too calm about this or Alec really was going crazy and he didn’t think it was the latter.

A few moments later, Alec was sent out to go get Izzy. She should be part of the conversation but Alec had the feeling he’d been sent out because they thought it would calm him down to go on a walk. Alec had used that trick on Max before, when he was frustrated. He wouldn’t admit it but… the walk did help. When he got back to his room with Izzy, it was a little easier to breathe. That was, until he opened his door and was reminded about what they were talking about and the panicked, sick feeling returned.

He was not the crazy one. He knew it and yet, Izzy seemed to find the plan all very reasonable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so big. If you made it to the end, congratulations! I try not to make them this big but I didn't want to leave anything out here...


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec arrive in Alicante. They attend a family dinner and at last, they talk.

Magnus had never been to Idris before. When he’d imagined his life a few months ago, he’d hoped he’d never go. The walls of Alicante were not something Magnus had ever wanted to be blessed with but standing next to Alec as they were portaled into the city, Magnus found himself surprisingly calm about it all. Idris was a place that a free warlock would pray they’d never be taken to but Magnus was not a free warlock anymore. The worst had already happened to him and he was reminded of that every time he felt the cold metal around his neck.

He wasn’t a free warlock anymore and Magnus found that Idris and the grand city of Alicante did not scare him even though he knew it was supposed to. Even the courtyard they landed in was surrounded by grand statues of the nephilim's angels and one statue in the center of the courtyard, showing the first collar being placed on a downworlder who was kneeling far more gracefully than Magnus imagined had actually been the case.

This place had been chosen to be the first thing shadowhunters and downworlders would see when they entered the city. It was meant to remind them of their place but Magnus didn’t need the reminder. He knew exactly what his place was here. He was Alec’s _thing_ but Alec’s thing was here for more reason than one.

He was here because he was going to do something. After so many years of running, hiding, trying to help his people stay in the shadows- Magnus was finally going to do something again. Something that mattered. Something that really really mattered.

He followed behind Alec, like he was supposed to, his head bowed obediently, not making eye contact with any of the shadowhunters who stopped to talk to Alec as they walked. It wasn’t his place to speak. Normally, Magnus would feel ashamed for falling in line so easily. The simple act of keeping his eyes down was as much of a surrender as anything else but today, Magnus was okay with it.

They could think he’d fallen in line. They could think Alec had done a good job breaking him in. That was all fine because Magnus was going to steal the sword and none of them were going to stop him. As far as Magnus was concerned, this was an _act_ and that was much easier to do than simply staying out of trouble or following his owner’s commands.

Magnus fell into the act so easily that when he and Alec reached Alec’s home - The Lightwood Family home, Magnus found himself looking up surprised and having to remind himself that alone with Alec, he did not have to act like anything.

Across from him, Alec pressed his lips in a thin line, clearly thinking. “Are you hungry?” He asked finally, looking down and appearing as if he’d wanted to say something else that he decided against. Alec still didn’t feel any better about their plan. He thought it was too dangerous and that too much could go wrong.

Magnus agreed but any plan was better than doing nothing and they didn’t exactly have a bunch of alternatives. Besides, if a lot of the Silent Brother’s would be at Sebastian’s wake, it only made sense to steal the sword then. It gave Magnus a fraction of a chance to actually do it without being noticed and they couldn’t leave that chance without taking it.

Still, it was obvious by the look on Alec’s face and the way he kept avoiding eye contact that he didn’t believe this would go smoothly. He looked at Magnus like you might look at someone who was going on a suicide mission and Magnus really tried not to think about that too deeply.

He didn’t feel he was going on a suicide mission but Magnus imagined most people who went on them didn’t in fact view them that way.

“No, I’m okay,” Magnus murmured at last.

Alec nodded, his eyes locked down onto the counter. His hands laid limply at his side, like he’d been hoping that Magnus would want something, so he’d have something to do with them. Finally, he frowned and turned almost aimlessly before he started heading down a hallway, leading Magnus into a room that must be Alec’s, though it looked more like a hotel room than anything else.

Alec closed the door behind them and standing there, he frowned again. “My mom will probably be here soon,” Alec said finally. “We can stay in here until… tonight,” at the last word, Alec frowned again, almost as if he hadn’t remembered what was going to happen until now.

Tonight, Magnus would leave. Alec would accompany him to the outskirts of town, even though Magnus had insisted he could do it alone. There, Magnus would keep walking and Alec would turn around and come home to insist that Magnus was in his room.

The next day, Sebastian’s wake would be held and hopefully, Magnus would be at the City of Bones by then. He’d kill the guards. He’d sneak in and without getting caught, he’d take the sword and he’d come back. It was a simple plan. Almost a little too simple. Almost simple enough to go horribly wrong.

Magnus tried to make conversation and Alec played along but it was clear that Alec didn’t really feel like talking. After a while, they lapsed into silence. Magnus thought about the day before when Alec had come forward and kissed him and he wondered if they’d ever have a chance to feel that connected again.

Clearly, it wouldn’t be happening tonight.

Alec had been hoping they’d both stay in his room for the evening but a couple of hours after they’d arrived, Isabelle Lightwood had knocked on the door, announced her arrival and told Alec that their parents wanted them to have dinner together.

Magnus wasn’t sure if Lightwood Family dinners were commonplace but if Alec’s face had been anything to go by, Magnus didn’t think they were. Alec stood up finally and moved towards the door, telling Magnus that he’d be back soon, when Isabelle stopped him.

“Mom wanted you to bring him,” She said, frowning a little apologetically.

At that, Alec froze. “Why?” He asked simply.

Isabelle shrugged once. “She wanted you to show him off,” she murmured. “Dad hasn’t seen him yet.”

For a moment, no one moved. Despite himself, despite knowing what he was going to do later, Magnus couldn't help but feel the anger rise up inside of him. For the past twenty four hours, he’d felt empowered but in a moment, Magnus felt like he had when he first arrived at the Institute and had a collar shoved around his neck.

Magnus had not seen Robert Lightwood in a very long time. Like Maryse, Robert Lightwood was a man he’d hoped he’d never see again and if he had, he’d hoped their situation would be entirely different. Magnus had hoped he’d have the upper hand. He’d hoped maybe he would have a chance to take revenge on Maryse and Robert Lightwood but there would be no revenge found today, not here, not with them.

Alec turned to look at Magnus, waiting for him to give some kind of signal but Magnus knew that there was no choice. Magnus was being requested and he’d have to go downstairs no matter what he wanted to do. Besides, rationally Magnus knew it was best for someone, as many people as possible really, to see him and know that he was actually here before he left.

After a moment, Magnus nodded, pretending that he had some kind of choice to begin with.

Magnus hadn’t seen the Lightwood Family dining room when he’d arrived with Alec but it was decorated just as tasteless as the rest of the drab house. The presence of Robert and Maryse Lightwood didn’t exactly make the decor any more appealing, especially when they both turned to look, staring directly at Magnus as he and Alec entered the room.

Alec stood partially in front of him, to a lame eye simply not caring he was blocking the sight of his soulmate. Magnus knew it was intentional. With his quick look around, Magnus noted that Isabelle was there but Simon apparently hadn’t been taken to Idris, that or he’d simply been excused from this little family event. The littlest Lightwood was also present, a boy Alec had mentioned once offhandedly.

Alec moved forward finally, inclining his head slightly towards his father, who Magnus assumed he hadn’t seen in a very long time. It didn’t seem like Alec left the New York Institute often and his parents, especially his father, seemed to stay here most of the time. Still, there was no warm hearted reunion between father and son. Robert Lightwood seemed more interested in looking at Magnus than greeting Alexander.

Magnus knew he should keep his eyes down. He knew he should just grit his teeth and bear this dinner, being as obedient as he could pretend to be but Magnus couldn’t help himself. He looked up and he stared Robert dead on. It was an act of rebellion but he also, more simply, just wanted to see what the man looked like.

He was older than Magnus remembered. He hadn’t aged exceptionally well. There were lines across his face where Magnus remembered none. He was bald now and even his eyes seemed a little more weary than Magnus had remembered him appearing.

Magnus wished he could enjoy it. He wished he revel in how poorly the man had aged but who was Magnus to speak standing here, with a collar around his neck, being paraded around like he was an object - which he was, for all intents and purposes, as far as the shadowhunters were concerned that was.

If either of them had aged more poorly, Magnus suspected it was him. It was ironic in a way. He never thought he’d have that problem.

Maryse was so pleased to go on and on about what a wonderful job Alec had done with Magnus, how she never thought she’d see the day when someone would manage to tame a beast such as him. Robert seemed less inclined to believe that Alec had worked some miracle on Magnus. Instead, he regarded Magnus like one might a feral animal but Magnus wasn't exactly sure what Robert expected him to do from his place, kneeling on the cold wooden floor beside Alec.

When Alec had first sat down, Magnus had hovered, not exactly sure what was expected of him but then Alec had gestured beside him without looking and Magnus had realized. That too had sparked anger in Magnus but after a moment, he’d moved forward and dropped to the ground, letting his knees hit loudly as he landed on the floor.

It hurt but it was worth the hush that fell over the room when he did it. Magnus of course, was not offered a plate or any food but he hadn’t expected he would be. It took a moment for the room to return back to the casual, if not a little tense, chatter that had been taking place before.

The smallest Lightwood spoke happily, telling Alec about his lesson earlier and faltering slightly when his father reprimanded him for something he’d done wrong in said lesson. Magnus got the sense that the Lightwood siblings would be much more at ease if it was just the three of them and their parents were elsewhere. Magnus understood the feeling. He too would feel much easier kneeling by Alec’s side like a pet if the older Lightwood’s weren’t in attendance.

That was even before the conversation had returned back to him.

“Didn’t Alec do a good job with him, Robert?” Maryse asked for a second time, sounding exceptionally proud of her eldest son.

After a moment, Robert hummed. “I suppose so,” Robert said at last, which was probably the best compliment any of his children were likely to get out of him. After a beat, Robert laughed softly, the sound preemptively making Alec tense beside him. “I thought he’d have killed himself rather than be given to a shadowhunter but I guess I underestimated him.”

Magnus’ hands tensed in his lap instantly. He was thankful that by Alec’s side, he was hidden by the table because nothing could stop the murderous expression from coming over his face. Then, Robert kept speaking.

“I always knew he wasn’t as powerful as he pretended to be.”

The other’s kept speaking, not even a lull occurring in the conversation but Magnus’ ears were ringing instantly and before him, all he saw was red. If he hadn’t had something around his neck, blocking his magic, he was sure he’d have sparks pouring from his fingertips but instead, all Magnus could feel was his magic jolting in his veins, useless and contained.

Magnus wanted to say something. He wanted to stand up and show Robert Lightwood that even without his magic, he wasn’t as powerless as Robert would like to think and he just might have done that, if Alec’s hand hadn’t snapped to his, clutching Magnus’ palm in a tight grip under the table.

For a second, Magnus had the urge to rip his hand away. He wanted to yell at Alec. He wanted to tell him not to touch him, not now, not like this but some smaller part of him relished in the feeling of his soulmate’s hand in his own. Some smaller part of him was comforted.

Magnus held Alec’s hand tight, gripping it hard enough that he was sure he was hurting Alec, though the man didn’t even flinch. They stayed like that for a while, until Maryse told Alec to send Magnus to get something from the kitchen and Magnus let go.

In that room alone, Magnus had stood and stared everything he could use as a weapon. Knives, spears, a _stele_ which had been discarded on the counter, probably from Max. Magnus could take revenge, if he really wanted to. He might not make it but he’d be damn sure to take one of them down with him.

They’d deserve it after everything Magnus had seen them do. Magnus had seen Maryse Lightwood slit the necks of warlock children, claiming to the Clave that they’d simply been hurt in the struggle and not made it. The truth was that she liked it. She enjoyed it and if she could kill them and get away with it, why wouldn’t she?

Magnus had seen Robert a little less but he’d still heard the stories. Children being torture. Werewolves being slaughtered by the hundreds. They’d deserve anything Magnus could manage to do to them and so much more.

But the smallest Lightwood was sitting in there too and as much as Magnus hated his parents, he did not deserve to see them killed in front of him. That was the difference between Magnus and them. Even here, even with a collar around his neck, he would not stoop to their level. He would not kill them in front of their children.

He had a plan anyway. He couldn’t die here or get arrested because he wanted revenge. He had a plan and part of that plan involved him being alive. Magnus took a deep breath and then, he grabbed the wine he’d been sent to get and turned back to walk into the room again.

The dinner couldn’t have ended any quicker. Magnus endured sitting on his knees in silence for the rest of it. He was blessed with being ignored. When it was finally over, Alec stood and spoke to his parents for another moment, discussing random politics that Magnus didn’t care much to listen to.

At last, Alec said he was tired and he’d be going to sleep soon before their busy day tomorrow. Magnus took that as his cue to stand up and finally stretch his numb legs again. Thankfully, no one seemed to care that he had and with Magnus on his feet, Alec finally turned and led them away, out of his parents' sight and back up into his room, where Magnus felt like he could breathe for the first time since they’d walked down there.

Alec apparently felt a similar way because as soon as the door was closed behind him, he closed his eyes and took a moment to drag in a few deep breaths before he opened his eyes again and looked at Magnus.

“I’m sorry,” He murmured.

Magnus wasn’t sure specifically what he was apologizing for. His parents, the fact that Magnus had to go to the dinner in the first place, maybe for everything. Magnus shrugged. “It’s fine,” He said even though it wasn’t. Alec couldn’t do anything to fix it and neither could Magnus. There was no point dwelling. The only thing they could do, _Magnus_ could do, was try and steal the sword. There was no point thinking about anything else, not right now.

Magnus moved forward and grabbed the clothes Alec had laid out for him. It was simple shadowhunter gear and it felt odd around his body. It felt odd wearing clothes again and what felt even weirder was when Magnus reached out and picked up the blade Alec had set out for him. He balanced it in his palm, staring down at it for a moment like couldn't believe it was real. Finally, he slipped it into his pocket. 

Magnus’ eyes flickered to the clock. They had everything planned down to the time Magnus would leave. Low and behold, it was almost that time.

Alec followed his eyes and seemed to have noticed as well. “We should wait a few more minutes,” Alec murmured. “There are people going to be walking back from the counsel hall now. We should wait for them to get off the street.”

Magnus wasn’t sure if that was something Alec was actually concerned about or if he was stalling but Magnus nodded anyway. Together they lapsed into silence once again before Alec finally opened his mouth to speak.

“Magnus-” Alec trailed off after he spoke Magnus’ name, looking conflicted. He stared at Magnus for a moment before his eyes flickered away and he let out a soft sigh. “We should just go,” He said finally.

Again, Magnus nodded. Without another word they headed towards Alec’s window, which they’d be sneaking out of.

They made their way to the outskirts of Alicante, where the houses became more scarce. They finally came to an iron fence, marking the end of the city and the spot where Alec would be leaving him. From here, Magnus knew to keep walking until he hit the lake and then pivot left slightly, until he came to one of the entrances of the City of Bones. Of course, the shadowhunters had to put the entrance so far away. It would be too convenient if it was any closer.

At the gate, they again lapsed into an awkward silence. Magnus had the feeling that Alec wanted to say something but like he had in his room, Magnus wasn’t exactly sure he was going to say whatever it was. Then, finally, Alec opened his mouth and surprised Magnus by actually speaking.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, his eyes cast down. This time, Magnus didn’t question what Alec was apologizing for. He knew he was apologizing for everything.

Magnus took in a slow breath. He wasn’t going to say it was okay. It wasn’t okay but Magnus understood anyway. “You tried your best,” Magnus said finally, meaning it. Maybe, Alec hadn’t done everything right but he’d done his best with everything that was on his plate. He’d just been trying to protect everyone and handle everything all at once.

Alec nodded in response but he didn’t actually look like he believed Magnus’ words. “I could have tried harder,” Alec said finally, apparently deciding not to just accept what Magnus said without comment.

“You tried your best to do good with everything you had.”

Again, Alec nodded softly and they lapsed into another beat of silence. Magnus didn’t think either of them were quite ready to part.

Finally, Alec looked up to him and tried beyond his sad eyes to smile. “I think we’d have been good together, if things were different,” Alec said, looking as if he was desperate for Magnus to just agree with him.

Magnus smiled softly. “Yeah,” he whispered, watching the small tears form in Alec’s eyes and pretending that he did not see them. “I think we would have been too. We’d have been a good team, in some other life.”

Alec nodded again and his eyes flickered down. Magnus thought he saw a tear drip down Alec’s face but he wasn’t even sure he’d seen it, until Alec brought his hand up to his cheek and wiped the tear away.

Magnus felt like he should say something else but he didn’t know what else to say. What else was there to say?

“I’d have loved you-” Alec started, his voice breaking softly as he fell silent again, unable to even force the words out.

Magnus didn’t need Alec to keep going to know what he was trying to say. Like Alec had during dinner, Magnus reached out and he pulled Alec’s hand into his own. “I’d have loved you so easily, Alexander.”

Magnus squeezed Alec’s hand and then slowly, he let Alec’s hand fall from his own. They couldn’t stand here forever. Someone would see if they did and that’s all it would take for their entire plan to fall apart. They’d already stalled for too long.

“I have to go,” Magnus said.

Alec nodded again and for a moment, Magnus thought that would be it but when he started to turn away, Alec lunged forward, stopping him.

Magnus would have flinched, had it been anyone else but with Alec, Magnus simply froze and before he knew it, Alec’s lips were pressing into his own. The kiss only lasted for a moment before Alec was pulling away again but Magnus felt every emotion Alec felt in their kiss, along with Alec’s damp tears.

He felt the regret and the sadness and the desperation but Alec didn’t say anything about it. He simply tried to smile, not quite managing the expression, before he was speaking again. “Be safe, Magnus,” Alec murmured. “Come back.”

Magnus smiled again, reaching out to press his hand gently against Alec’s cheek. “Of course, I will,” Magnus cooed. “Look what I have waiting for me.”

Neither of them really believed their situation here was ideal. Of course, if Magnus could choose to be somewhere else, free, he would but Alec smiled at his words anyway. It was a nice moment among the mess that was their lives, in which they both let themselves believe that everything would be alright.

Alec ducked forward after another moment of hesitation and he pressed his lips against Magnus’ one more time before he pulled away and was turning to disappear back into the shadows and make his way back home. Magnus watched him go for a moment before he too turned and disappeared out the gates and into the darkness that laid outside of the city.

As he walked, Magnus raised his hand and pressed it gently into his warm lips, trying to hold onto the fleeting feeling of Alexander’s kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for how long it took for this chapter to come out. I already hadn't updated in a few weeks and then I gave myself December off because I was busy but now I'm back to attempting to update regularly! I hope you liked this chapter. As always, I love comments soo much.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus makes it to the City of Bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for themes of death and blood here (not MCD though).

Alec made his way back home with an ache in his heart that he’d been trying to force down all day, not too successfully. Theoretically, things were looking up. At the very least, things weren’t spiraling down at an ever increasing speed until they all inevitably crashed and burned. They had a way out. It was a very slim and improbable way out but it was there and it was better than __nothing__ but-

But Alec didn’t want to let Magnus walk away. Something in his heart was screaming at him to not let him go. Maybe, it was just Alec’s tendency to assume that the worse would always happen or maybe, it was Alec being realistic about what would happen or maybe Alec’s body just knew something Alec didn’t because as Alec forced himself to keep walking, he felt like his heart was being ripped from his chest.

 _ _How-__ Alec wondered, pleading with himself for answers he did not have. How had he gone from doing what was best for everyone to __this-__ to feeling like he was going to die if he didn’t turn around, rush back to Magnus and tell him to __stop-__ tell him not to __go-__ tell him that they’d do something else, just stop, just don’t go alone, __please__.

Alec wanted to turn and run to him and beg him to come back but he couldn’t. That wasn’t what someone who was thinking about what was best for everyone would do. They __needed__ Magnus to do this. It was their only shot. It was their only choice and yet, Alec wanted to tell Magnus that he was more important than any of this. He wanted to tell Magnus that he didn’t have to do this even though logically, Alec knew that he did.

Magnus had to do this but for just a moment, Alec didn’t want to be the person who thought of everyone. He wanted to be Alexander, who thought of Magnus, his soulmate but there was no room to be that Alexander here.

Alec forced himself to keep walking. It was the only thing he could do.

White had never been Alec’s color and wearing it as he got ready for Sebastian’s wake didn’t make him feel any better about it. He’d never liked how he looked in it and he’d never liked what it meant. Shadowhunter funerals, more often than not, meant anger towards the downworlders who one way or another were normally blamed for the death.

Killed by downworlders? Their fault. Killed by demons? Downworlders summoned them, surely. Died of natural causes? Well, it was probably a downworlders fault, somehow.

Today would be a little different from all the funerals Alec had attended before. Today, the downworlders would be spared the blame. Now, it was Clary who had done it but people seemed torn between their anger at Sebastian’s death and their fear of Valentine being angry they were speaking ill of his daughter.

The morning before the wake was unnaturally silent, in Alec’s home, when they made their way outside, everywhere. Everyone seemed too scared to talk about anything, scared they’d say the wrong thing no matter what they said to who.

That silence gave Alec time to sink into his head and worry, as if he needed to do more of that. Magnus would be at the City of Bones soon. It could go so wrong soon, if it hadn’t already gone wrong. Magnus could be dead right now for all Alec knew. It could all be over and Alec would have no clue. He’d still just be here, hoping Magnus was alright and trying to ignore the sinking sense of doom in his chest.

Alec jumped to look up as a hand fell across his arm. His shadowhunter instincts made him think for a moment that it was an attack, that Magnus had been caught, maybe they’d questioned him already and now, they were coming for Alec but when Alec looked up, it wasn’t someone coming to arrest him. It was his mother.

For a second, Alec assumed she was simply coming to walk with him to the wake but then Alec realized she had been walking the wrong way, coming __from__ where they were supposed to be going, not towards. That and she had a confused, worried look across her face and that made Alec’s heart sink.

God, what? What now?

“It’s canceled,” she said at last, shaking her head a little like she didn’t understand.

At that, Alec froze. “Canceled?” He echoed softly. “What do you mean? The entire wake is canceled?”

Maryse nodded and with the confirmation, Alec felt no more enlightened. You didn’t just __cancel__ a wake. Shadowhunters didn’t tend to their bodies the way the mundane did. They had funerals quickly and they burned the bodies before they could start to decay. There was no reason to put off a wake for a shadowhunter and nor was there any reason not to make it a public spectacle, especially in this circumstance, especially with Sebastian.

It didn’t make any sense and Alec could tell that his mother was thinking the same exact thing. “Why would he do that?” Alec asked, knowing by the look on his mother’s face that she did not have an answer for him.

“I don’t know,” she said simply, frowning. “I’m sure Valentine has a reason,” she settled on finally, though she didn’t sound too sure of herself. “Maybe, they want to do more testing on the body.”

Alec nodded, though he didn’t think that was true. They have done everything they could to Sebastian’s body to figure out if the story matched the injuries and with the damage Shade had done, they’d only find evidence of a warlock, who’d burnt him and a blade wound beneath that, one they’d think had been Clary’s fault.

Alec’s mother reached for his arm, squeezing his elbow gently as they both started to walk back home, wordlessly. Alec realized something else as they walked, something that horrified him more than any concern about why Valentine wouldn’t burn the body today.

The wake was called off. The Silent Brothers would not be here and Magnus was already a days walk away, heading into a trap he didn’t know he was heading into. He might have already gone in. Like before, Alec considered if Magnus was caught already or if he would be soon. One was the truth, Alec knew. Magnus was going to get caught. There was no way around it. There was a slim chance before of Magnus pulling it off when the building was almost empty but with all of the Silent Brother’s there, he’d be lucky if he made it down the first row of steps, before someone stopped him.

Alec couldn't even be surprised. He’d known this would go wrong. He’d known from the moment Jace had proposed it that this plan would be the end for them, so he wasn’t surprised to learn it was already doomed but he was horrified anyway.

He’d hoped against any reasoning that Magnus would do it and he’d be okay but again, Alec was reminded that hope was a dangerous thing. He’d known better and yet, he’d gotten his hopes up with this impossible plan. Alec should have told Magnus not to go. He should have stopped him when he could have.

Alec wondered if he’d ever even see Magnus again. He doubted it. Maybe, he’d have to watch him be executed. Alec wasn’t sure what he’d rather, to never see him again or to see him like that but it didn’t matter anyway.

Alec was done hoping for anything at all. It never got him anywhere good and it had certainly never helped Alec’s soulmate.

Magnus reached the entrance to the City of Bones with his feet aching and his body covered in a thin layer of sweat. Before he’d been captured, he’d been used to walking for hours on end. Without feeling comfortable enough to use portals, walking was how they got around, regardless of how far they had to go. Now, Magnus had spent so long sitting in Alec’s room, doing nothing, waiting that his body wasn’t used to it anymore and when the city came into Magnus’ sight, he took a moment to crouch in some brush and just breathe. It would do him no good to jump into it exhausted and yet, that’s exactly what he’d have to do and without his magic too. If he’d had his magic, this would be a walk in the park.

Magnus missed being that powerful. He missed not having to question if he could do something because he knew he could. He missed feeling infallible, something he hadn’t felt in a long time, even before he’d been captured. He missed being Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, someone to be feared, someone not to be trifled with.

Now, he barely felt like he was Magnus and kneeling in the brush as he tried to catch his breath, he was reminded just how far he’d fallen. Magnus Bane would have stormed the city without a care, knowing if he encountered anyone, even the Silent Brothers, that he’d have the advantage. This Magnus, here, had to force himself not to feel scared.

He’d agreed to do this so easily but really, what were the odds he’d be okay? They were slim. Alec had known exactly how slim but Magnus didn’t feel like he’d understood until now. The odds of him being able to make it past the first few guards was not high. Who did he think he was, agreeing to this like he had a chance of surviving? He’d just been so excited to do something again. He’d been so excited to be able to help but Magnus was not who he used to be. Magnus was not Magnus Bane anymore. He wasn’t the High Warlock. He was barely even himself.

He was just a slave that belonged to a shadowhunter who would not be able to protect him if this went south- __when__ this went south. The fact that Magnus had ever been so confident in his ability to do this was laughable but Magnus couldn’t quite turn back now.

He was here and he’d either do this or he’d die trying. It was obvious which option was favorable but even if Magnus failed, it would effect more than just him. Everyone was relying on Magnus being able to do this but the reality was that he probably wouldn’t. He would probably die here, Magnus realized almost for the first time.

He’d probably never see Alec again. He’d certainly never be alone with him again. Magnus would die on the blade of a shadowhunter or be executed later, if they decided to turn him into the Clave instead of just slaughtering him.

Either way, this was probably the end for Magnus. This was probably the last thing he’d ever willingly choose to do.

Magnus took a deep breath. He tightened his hand around the blade in his palm and then he opened his eyes and rose to his feet, starting to walk towards the entrance to the City of Bones without hesitating. Realistically, he probably wouldn’t survive but he was Magnus Bane and if this was the last thing he’d ever do, he’d at least act like it.

Magnus killed the first guard quickly- or at least, he assumed the man was dead when he crumpled to the floor, his own blade clattering to the ground with him as he went entirely limp, not even looking like he was breathing when Magnus spared a glance downward before instantly returning his attention to the other shadowhunter, the one who was charging at him, snarling something about filthy downworlders.

Magnus felt his magic rise to the surface, jittering around and pushing against him, begging to come out and __do something__ but Magnus did his best to ignore it. It was hard not to act on it. It was hard not to let the blade fall from his hands and raise his palms up to blast the man into oblivion but no magic would come out if he did that and he’d only find himself empty handed and probably dead rather quickly.

No, Magnus tightened his grip on the blade. This one would be harder to take down. He’d caught the first one by surprise but this one was well aware of Magnus’ presence and unlike Magnus, he had runes activated - runes of strength, stability and countless others that all put Magnus at a great disadvantage.

Standing here, Magnus was pretty much a mundane but he was a mundane with centuries of experience, a mundane who had to do this or lose everything. __That’s__ what he had on his side. No matter what disadvantage Magnus was at, he __had__ to do this. It was his only choice. If he failed, everything was just over.

Magnus lashed out at the shadowhunter, managing to nick his side as the shadowhunter jumped back. For a moment, they both stood, weapons ready. The shadowhunter was young, Magnus couldn’t help but notice. He had to be about Alec’s age, maybe even a little younger. He’d probably been positioned here tonight against his will. He’d probably complained about it to his friends, wondering why he hadn’t been positioned anywhere else, somewhere more exciting.

He was probably excited now, at the thought of killing a downworlder. He was probably thinking about how he’d tell everyone about it, maybe even keep part of Magnus as a souvenir. They did that sometimes, Magnus knew. They __still__ did that.

The shadowhunter lunged for him suddenly, managing to grab Magnus’ arm with his free hand and slash out at him with his other. Magnus felt the weapon sink into his arm, stopping suddenly as it hit bone. Had the shadowhunter put any more strength into it, he could have cut Magnus’ arm clean off but he hadn’t and Magnus didn’t have a moment to stop and have a pity party for himself because he’d gotten hurt.

Magnus ripped his arm away, feeling the blood gush out, dripping down his hand as the blade came free. The shadowhunter didn’t give him a second to catch his breath before he was slashing out again, making Magnus jump back before he was lunging forward himself, bringing his own blade down in an arch that landed in the shadowhunter’s side.

Magnus felt something bubbling up in his chest. The feeling was so foreign to him that it took a moment to even place what it was. He hadn’t felt like this in so long but it was undeniable. He was __excited__. This feeling was exhilarating. When was the last time he’d fought someone? When he’d been captured? And that had hardly been a fight at all.

Magnus lunged towards the shadowhunter again, forcing the man to back up, watching as he scrambled to get control of the situation again and find some upper hand. Magnus didn’t give him time to do so. He stepped forward, pushing him further and further back until the shadowhunter finally hit a wall.

Magnus felt his heart pounding in his chest. He knew he must look insane, his cat eyes on full display, covered in his own blood and the shadowhunters too, grinning like he’d never felt something as marvelous as this before. What would Ragnor say, if he was here? He’d tell him that he was insane. He’d tell him not to lose his head when he was so close to danger. He’d tell him that killing, no matter the circumstance, was not something you should let yourself enjoy and yet, Ragnor was not here, was he?

Magnus brought his blade down on the shadowhunter, watching his frightened face as Magnus impaled him through the chest, feeling his blade hit the wall behind the man before Magnus pulled the blade back out and watched the shadowhunter fall to the floor, choking on his own blood as Magnus turned and let himself lean against the walk beside him, feeling his chest hiccup with something torn between a sob and a laugh.

Magnus looked up as the shadowhunter died, trembling slightly, pressing his bloodied hands over his mouth to quiet himself. His eyes were full of tears but Magnus wasn’t even sure if he was crying or if he couldn’t breathe or if maybe, he was laughing so hard that he couldn’t help but let his eyes water.

Magnus was going to die. He’d lived through centuries, wars and plagues. He’d watched the people he loved die. He’d watched people he’d cared about be born. He’d killed countless times and he’d almost been killed so many more too. He’d been on the earth longer than some of the rivers that were here now and yet, this is where Magnus’ story was going to end.

He was going to die alone, in a building full of dead shadowhunters, some he cared for once upon a time.

Magnus looked down to the shadowhunter at his feet. He took a deep breath and then, he forced himself to stand again. Magnus was going to die here and yet, he had not died yet.

That was something. It had to be.

Magnus wiped the blood from his blade and then with shaking hands, he turned to walk into the City of Bones. He’d never been there before but he’d heard about what it looked like and when Magnus found himself at the mouth of the stairs, he found it even more unsettling than he’d imagined.

‘Facilis descensus Averno,’ the stone read. Magnus wondered if any of the shadowhunters had ever paused here, read that and pondered just how easily their people had descended or if that was too far over their heads, if every one of them truly saw what they did as just and right.

Magnus took in another breath and then, he started to head down the stairs, having no clue that their plan had already gone wrong, that the Silent Brothers were already well aware he was there and that they were waiting for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ‘Facilis descensus Averno’ is ‘the descent into hell is easy’, in case anyone was confused and didn’t remember.
> 
> As always, I love to hear what you guys think!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finds what he's looking for. Jace meets a friend and has an interesting experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for abuse of a background character in this chapter. Also mild body horror, depending on how you define that.

Jace stood in one of the many training rooms scattered across Idris, pounding his fists into the punching bag over and over and over again, until his mind was numb and his hands were bloodied. Shadowhunters had a weird relationship with pain and Jace knew many of them, including himself, that used it as a tool more than something to avoid.

Pain was useful. It grounded you. If you were in battle, it was a warning sign. You’d slipped up. You’d come too close to getting hurt bad. You’d messed up and if you were smart, you’d take that as a sign to step up your game before you really ended up on the end of a blade, bleeding out. Jace especially had come to view pain as something useful and now, he was not using it as a tool to better his fighting but as something to stop him from losing his shit all together.

The only thing he could think about was Clary in a cell and the fact that he could do nothing about it. Jace had been in that position before. Clary had too. They were a… rambunctious bunch but it had never been like _this_. Every other time, it had been something to laugh about. It had been a funny inconvenience that they’d face no real consequences for but this wasn’t funny.

Sebastian was dead. Clary could be executed, if Magnus managed to get the sword. They’d all be executed, if Magnus didn’t and the _wake-_

Jace punched the bag one more time before letting out a groan he’d be embarrassed of, if there was anyone around to hear it. It had been stupid for Jace to get involved. He’d had fantasies of helping, of them finally being able to do something good but every other failed rebellion against the Clave had felt that same way too, hadn’t they?

There was no happy ending in sight for them. The Clave would always come out on top and in the end, their efforts would mean nothing. History books that kids at the academy were given would not mention them and after a year or two, they’d fade into oblivion as just another sad attempt to make change that would not be coming any time soon.

The downworld hadn’t been able to stop any of it and they had magic, strength, other dimensions to use. What were a handful of shadowhunters really going to be able to do, when the entire downworld had crumbled so easily?

“The bag offend you?” A voice spoke softly.

Jace jumped around instantly, his eyes darting to the figure standing across the room. Andrew, Jace recognized. Alec’s Head of Security. He had to have come for the wake, the wake that was now inexplicably canceled.

Andrew raised his hands up, the universal sign for ‘you look upset, don’t take it out on me.’ He gave a nervous laugh. “Sorry, I just… I heard you in here.” Andrew’s eyes flickered down to Jace’s bloodied knuckles, “Thought I’d come check on you.”

Jace frowned, taking in a soft breath before nodding. “Right,” he murmured, looking over to the punching bag that was now covered in red. “I just-” Jace shook his head. He couldn’t exactly insist he was alright when he was caught literally red handed, could he?

“It’s okay,” Andrew said, before Jace could continue. “You must be stressed with Clary and your parabatai…” Andrew trailed off at the mention of Sebastian, like he wasn’t sure if he was straying into dangerous territory or not.

Jace attempted a smile, nodding. “Yeah, it’s been-” He huffed a humorless laugh. “Well, what are you doing here? Come for the wake?”

Andrew nodded. “Yeah and uh, well I’ve been demoted too. I guess they don’t think I did a fantastic job as Head of Security considering everything that went down. I’ve been sent here until I’m reassigned.”

Jace frowned. “Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized they were doing that.” Of course, Jace had known they would demote people but before they could interrogate Clary? Alec’s parents still technically ran the Institute, Jace was pretty sure. Jace couldn’t understand why they’d only demote Andrew, unless- “They don’t think you were involved, do they?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Andrew said instantly, his eyes widening a little. It took Jace a moment to understand that expression on his face but… right, Jace had just asked if the Clave thought he was involved in the killing of his parabatai. To some, most actually, that would probably sound like an accusation. “Maybe they did when I first came here but I’m actually on guard duty now, so I think I’m clear,” he laughed a little nervously as he said it, looking like he was scared Jace wouldn’t believe him.

Jace nodded. “That’s good,” he managed to spit out. Guard duty. That meant he could be guarding Clary. For a second, Jace wanted to ask him for help, to get Clary out, give her a message maybe if but Jace had no clue if Andrew was trustworthy or not and besides, where could Clary even go, if he got her out?

“Yeah,” Andrew said as they lapsed into a rather awkward silence. “Well, I should-” Andrew gestured to the door and before Jace could think, he was speaking again.

“Would you like to spar?”

Andrew blinked, looking surprised.

“Unless, you have guard duty to get to…” Jace murmured, frowning.

“Uh-” Andrew looked to the door and then back to Jace. “No, I just got out a while ago actually. Yeah, I can spar for a while if you want.”

Andrew smiled and for a moment, Jace let himself smile back. He hadn’t sparred with anyone in a while and now that Sebastian was gone, Clary was in jail and they were probably going to die, Jace didn't think he'd get another chance anytime soon. Jace turned towards the weapon rack, leaving his bloodied punching bag behind. He snatched up two staffs before turning and tossing one in Andew’s direction.

“I don’t go easy on people,” Jace warned teasingly.

Andrew laughed softly, readying himself. “I’d be offended if you did.”

Jace grinned and after a second, he darted forward in an attack that Andrew instantly blocked before shoving Jace’s spear to the side and jabbing at his stomach. Jace took a step back, faking offense. “Ouch,” he called over.

Andrew grinned.

The City of Bones was more silent than any place Magnus had ever been. He’d expected it to be silent of course but no one had ever explained this kind of silence to him. No one had ever told him that it was so silent you could hear your heart pounding in your chest and you could hear every breath you took in and then out. No one told him that your footsteps bounced off the walls, no matter how carefully and quietly you tried to step and no one told him that in a silence like that, even your thoughts seemed to reverberate in the air and bounce back to you.

Magnus was so used to noise. The city was loud with the footsteps of shadowhunters, the sounds of blades slashing in the air, even the wind calling gently down to them. The Institute was always full of the noise of shadowhunters stomping about, giving orders, even heavy with the small noises downworlders would make, pressing themselves into the walls as to not be seen, looking away as if that would protect them from the gaze of everyone around them, trying to melt into the environment and be nothing but part of the decor.

But Magnus had never been in a place like _this_ , so silent that he was scared even his shadow was going to make noise as it moved through the dark. It didn’t help that inside the city, Magnus had no clue where he was going. Jace had told him that he just needed to get inside and make his way down until he couldn’t go down any farther. There, he was supposed to be able to find the sword very easily but Jace hadn’t told him that there were corridors that branched off every few steps, leading into the dark. Jace hadn’t mentioned there would be doors scattered around, so old that it looked like no one had opened them in centuries. He hadn’t mentioned that in a dark like that, it was hard to keep track of which way was down and which way wasn't. Magnus felt like he’d been thrown underwater and in his disorientated state, he didn’t know which way he had to go to swim up and hit the surface again.

It would be so easy to get lost down here and die among the cob webs and long dead shadowhunters. The Silent Brothers wouldn’t know he was there and Magnus might lay there in the dark dead for centuries before someone came along and found him again. It was a suffocating feeling, made only worse by the thick stagnant air that seemed to be heavy in this place.

Magnus was not claustrophobic but standing in that dark, he thought he just might go insane if he had to stay down there for any extended period of time. He had no clue how the Silent Brothers did it but Magnus was fully intending to not get the chance to ask them.

He was here to grab the sword and then, he was going to leave. It was as simple as that.

Magnus kept walking, trying to keep his eyes forward, his hand pressed against the wall to keep leading him down into the dark. Magnus was pretty sure shadowhunters normally used witch lights when they made this trip but Magnus wasn’t that lucky.

Thankfully, after what could have been ten minutes or an hour, Magnus really wasn’t sure, he seemed to hit the ground at the bottom of the stairs, where the floor leveled out. It didn’t seem like it was possible to go down further anymore and that had to be a good thing. Magnus looked up and breathed out a soft sigh of relief when he saw all the torches lining the walls.

This had to be where Jace was talking about. Magnus started forward, wasting no time hesitating. He just had to get the sword and get out. It was that easy. Just get the sword and leave. What could possibly go wrong?

Jace threw Andrew back, knocking the man’s weapon to the ground and then dropping his own as he dove at him. Andrew grappled with him for a moment, struggling to get back the control Jace had managed to seize. He almost got it when he threw his leg around, trying to force Jace off him but Jace repositioned and managed to grab one of Andrew’s arms and hold it down while delivering what would have been a killing blow, had they been actually fighting.

They both froze like that, panting, recognizing exactly who had won but not being willing to give into it just yet. At last, Andrew laughed and eased in Jace' grip until Jace himself let go and sat up, moving off Andrew and back onto his feet. He reached out to help him up and it was almost as soon as Andrew’s hand clasped in his that Jace heard a loud, pained shriek.

Andrew froze still on the ground, his hand held tight in Jace’s. They made eye contact but neither of them moved to jump up and spring into action. Instead, they stilled, listening, waiting. At last came the sign they’d both been waiting to hear, the sound of a man, undeniably a shadowhunter, yelling in the hallway.

“You’re lucky I don’t slit your throat right here for that-” The man was saying, loud and infuriated, speaking over another voice that was quieter and trembling with fear even though Jace could not make out the words. At last came the sound of a loud hit striking through the air, either a hard slap or a fist, making contact with skin. Whoever else had been talking fell silent with not even a whimper leaking out.

They heard the man’s voice fade out as he stomped down the hallway, away from them, still spewing a mess of threats that the man could very easily follow through with. Jace wasn’t sure who it was he was speaking to but he knew it was a downworlder, which meant that there was no situation to step into, no one to defend, not if they didn’t want to be accused of a crime anyway.

Jace tightened his grip on Andrew’s hand before pulling him to his feet. He’d gone pale and for a moment, Jace wanted to say something, just to see what Andrew would say back but that was the brilliance of what the Clave had done here. There could be hundreds of them in this city that did not like the way things were and would be willing to stand up and make change but when they were all terrified of speaking to each other, there might as well be no one. You might as well be alone.

If Jace hadn’t caught Alec in the act with Sebastian, he’d have never said anything to imply he was sympathetic towards them and Alec would have never said anything of the sorts to him either. They’d have each carried on, not knowing the other could be an ally.

Andrew could be an ally but he could just as easily turn Jace in for murmuring something untasteful about a downworlder, for dating to speak of them like they were real people and that was not something either of them could risk, not now anyway.

Jace let go of Andrew’s hand and turned away. “Again?” He asked, heading towards their spears that were discarded on the floor.

“Sure,” Andrew responded and just like that, the two of them were scared into compliance.

Magnus made his way through the dim flickering light of the torches until at last, he saw what he was looking for. He saw the grand circular room at the end of the hallway, lit with more torches than the hallway before it and he saw the mortal sword displayed rather plainly on dark stone.

You wouldn’t even know the sword was anything special, unless you knew what it was. It was such a striking difference compared to the grand show of power in Idris. Anything of power was on display - including but not limited to special weapons and warlock marks they’d collected.

Here, there just a sword in a fire lit room deep underground, resting on some plain rock that had probably been here for centuries. Magnus had always been fond of a grand show of power himself but even still, he couldn’t help but admire the Silent Brother’s style.

Magnus darted forward, his eyes locked on the one thing he’d come for. He pulled the sword into his grasp and for a moment, staring down at it in his hand, he was a little disappointed. He’d imagined that the moment he grabbed the sword, he’d feel its power coursing through him. That he’d feel the angelic grace or whatever else it was the shadowhunters believed these heavenly instruments held.

Instead, it felt like a sword, not an overly heavy one or an exceptionally light one, not aged and wither but not appearing new either. It was simply a sword and if Magnus had seen it in a shop, and not already known what it was, he might have pass it by without a second glance.

Magnus turned. He’d have time to dwell on how much the shadowhunters had amped up this piece of metal later but when Magnus did turn, he stopped cold in his tracks. Magnus had assumed he was alone in the room but now, he realized he’d made a grave error. People Magnus could normally feel.

You could feel their weight in the air. You could feel their stare on you. You feel the minuscule shifts as they moved and you could hear the air as it left their lungs but the Silent Brothers were not people, not exactly. They did not take up the same space people took and as Magnus looked, he realized his miscalculation had probably just cost him his life.

There was a Silent Brother in front of the entrance way Magnus had come from and two standing at the sides of that one, followed by two more - making an arch throughout the room that trapped Magnus where he stood with no other exit to flee to and nowhere at all to go. They were supposed to be gone but as Magnus looked around, he realized whoever had told Jace that was mistaken. They were all here and that couldn’t mean good things for Magnus, could it?

They spared again but this time there was a heavy silence that hung over them. Neither of them laughed like they had before. They didn’t smile. Whatever nice moment they’d been having was gone and now, there was only training. It didn’t quite feel as enjoyable as it had before but it beat pounding his fists into a punching bag that did not fight back, so Jace kept going.

They went for maybe two more rounds before Jace froze, letting Andrew push him back until he fell to the ground, not even raising his hands to try to defend himself. Andrew moved to attack but stilled at the last second, peering down at Jace with an odd look coming over his face.

“Jace?” he asked quietly, frowning. “Are you okay?”

Jace opened his mouth to say yes but before he could even get the word to come out, he was choking on a scream that ripped it’s way out of his throat. Jace wither in pain, scrambling mindlessly to grab at his side but the pain didn’t ease and the only thing Jace could do was clutch at his own skin, digging his nails in, trying not to let the horrible scream he’d just managed to force down to rip it’s way out of throat again.

Andrew was at his side instantly. He was saying something, yelling for someone to come but apparently no one heard him because a few minutes later when that horrible feeling eased back, he and Andrew were still alone.

Jace dragged air into his lungs, gasping for it with shaking breath, covered in a layer of cold sweat and trembling all over.

“Are you okay?” Andrew asked. He looked terrified but Jace didn’t even know what to say. _No_ , he thought. _I don’t know what the fuck that was_ , he wanted to say. _I’ve never felt something so horrible in my entire life_.

Jace scrambled to sit up, pulling himself away from Andrew’s terrified touch. Jace pulled himself to his feet, stumbling and almost falling to the ground on his trembling, unsteady legs. Jace turned away from Andrew and ripped up his shirt, staring horrified at his parabatai rune which had faded into a scar after Sebastian’s death but was now was shining dark red, the color of blood, the color of nothing ever good in the shadow world.

Andrew grabbed his arm. “Are you okay?”

Jace ripped his shirt back down before Andrew could see. “Fine,” Jace snapped, moving to dart out of the room before Andrew could say another word. He stumbled outside, trying to stop the tremble that had taken over his entire body, trying to make his lungs work with ease again, so he didn’t have to fight for every breath he dragged in.

Jace didn’t know what happened but he knew one thing. He could feel Sebastian that chilled Jace down to his core. His parabatai was dead. He’d done it himself. So, what the fuck could this possibly mean?

Jace tried to walk home but halfway there, he leaned over and threw up all over the ground. That would have been fine. A normal reaction even to whatever horrible thing Jace had just experienced, if everything he’d thrown up hadn't been pitch black and burned at his throat like only ichor did.

Jace took another few steps before he stopped and threw up again, this time seeing his own blood mixed with whatever that horrible black stuff was. _What the fuck_ , Jace thought, shaking harder now than even before. _I’m going to die_ , Jace thought, just before he hit the stone walkway, unconscious even before his head cracked against the ground hard enough to leave him laying there, bleeding.


End file.
